Tuesday, May 29, 2007

John Enters

Her Indoors had an interesting post. One of her blogging friends gave her this suggestion and I though I would do it too. Man, how can something so random be so close to my personality? It's freaky.

Here’s what you do. Go to Google and type in your name and the word “needs.” I put in John (because that in my first name. See how easy it is. I figured it out on my own, too,) and “needs.” Like this, if you are having trouble keeping up with this: John needs! Then list the first 10 things that come up under your search. The list below is for real, people.

John needs…
1. Operation after hooker bites penis.
2. Your Bone marrow.
3. To get his patootie back here.
4. My life work.
5. Help – AnimeNation AnimeForums. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
6. Sex, Lies and Scandals
7. More Paper
8. Needs your help please. – Now that is more true than you may think.
9. New ideas.
10. Called to service again.

Strange and interesting. Try yours and let me know what happens.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

For The Love of Bug

I love my grandkids and would do anything for them, even if it means going through pain and embarrassment. Such is the case with Bug. Marni and I have been trying to get her to get her ears pierced for quiet a while. She didn’t want to because, I though, it would hurt. So, to let her know that it didn’t hurt, I said I would get my ears pierced, too, if she did it. She said no to that, too.

What I didn’t know is that she and her mother had decided to wait until after soccer season to have it done. Smart move, since there is so much sweating and dirt involved. By waiting until after the season would help keep down the possibility of infections. But did they tell me, NOOOOO.

So two of my favorite females went to the mall last week and got Bug’s ears pierced. We talked on the phone about her experience, but nothing was said about my promise. Whew! I missed the bullet. Until 10:00 p.m. when the phone rang again. I said hello and the sweet little voice on the other end said, without any hello or anything, “Another thing about my ears being pierced, you have to do yours, too.”

Damn! I told her I was surprised that she remembered since it had been a while since we had talked about it. She said that she didn’t remember. It was J-Man who reminded her – the little shit.

But I said that I was a man of my word and that I had promised, so I would do it. This is what we did last night at the mall. I got my ears pierced. I have not secretly harbored a desire to have it done. It is not anything I need to make me look good and/or sexy. I already have that in a wrinkled old man sort of way. But I promised.

I chose a 3mm titanium dull finished little doorknob looking thing. I chose that one because it is like my personality and lifestyle - dull. But I kept my word to Bug. I just hope the world doesn’t think I am trying to look young, at least until the holes heal and I can get my chain that is attached to each ear and hangs down under my chin. I can then have a place to hang my glasses and ink pins, maybe coat hangers when I am getting dressed in the morning. Or to use if I fall down and can’t get up.

But I kept my word. Next time, I will lie like a husband caught with a pair of bikini panties in his glove compartment.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

New Drugs For Women

Depressed? Overworked? Job Suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries? Well here is a pill for you. When life blows…fukitol.

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pi cku p trucks.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.