Monday, August 27, 2007

The Doctor Says

A friend of mine sent this to me. I Love this DOCTOR!


HEALTH QUESTIONS & ANSWERS SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A:
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn! And what are these - Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A:
Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:
You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A:
Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A:
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:
Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Friday, August 24, 2007

A Little Humor - Very Little

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
*****
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy gown. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*****
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
*****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
*****
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

My Suprising Book

This is what my book is about. Wouldn't you know it would be a history book, since I have lived through much of it?




You're A People's History of the United States!

by Howard Zinn

After years of listening to other peoples' lies, you decided you've
had enough. Now you're out to tell it like it is, with all the gory details and nothing
left out. Instead of respecting leaders, you want to know what the common people have to
offer. But this revolution still has a long way to go, and you're not against making a
little profit while you wait. Honesty is your best policy.



Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.



I can live with it, too, since I thought the most relevant comment I have ever read in a book that pertained to me was, "You ain't shit, boy."

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Movie Of The Year That I Don't Rememer

Well now, let’s see. Grizzbabe wants details and Her Indoors wants a movie review of the night in question. HID first! I couldn’t tell you what the movie was about. Honestly, I don’t even remember which movie it was, and if I could remember, I couldn’t tell you what it was about. I was too preoccupied to pay attention.

It was a week night back in the summer of 1980 and I was bored. There was nothing on television but re-runs, and I was newly divorced and didn’t really have a girlfriend to pal around with. So I started out to get something to eat. On the way I passed the neighborhood theater and decided to check out a movie that was playing. It wasn’t a first run type movie, just one that had been out for a while. The theatre was air-conditioned and it was something to do, so I went in.

I was enjoying my popcorn and coke when a couple came in and sit down a couple of rows in front of me. There weren’t many people in the theatre because it was a week-night, and because it wasn’t a first run movie. After the movie began they started looking around and talking to themselves. Then they go up and came back to my row and sit down; she was between us. She had on a skirt that buttoned up the front and a low cut blouse – for convenience I soon found out. Anyway, he put his arm around her shoulder and started massaging and rubbing her boob. So I watched.

She was sitting with her legs crossed and her foot was next to my leg. When she came she stiffened and kind of kicked me. Kind of like trying to get my attention – which that had from the moment he put his arm around her. Anyway, soon he got up and left to get a soft drink. She looked at me and said she was sorry for kicking me. I ask her if they did stuff like that all the time and she said that she and her boyfriend did. So I ask her if I could, too, and she said yes. It was about this time in my life that I realized prayer actually does work.

He came back a few minuets later and unzipped his pants. Then, as fast as a New York Pickpocket in Times Square on New Years Eve, she had done the same thing to me. Then she unbuttoned her skirt part way down. Seems she had came commando. So she started to work on both of us and we took turns working on her.

It was amazing how active she could be without moving her shoulders and head. No one in the theatre knew what was going on, and believe me, she could have been a jack-man on a NASCAR pit crew. And she did it all with her eyes closed – not that she needed them.

Anyway, she (we) enjoyed it so much that she did it again. Twice in one movie! I was so proud. Afterward we were standing out front of the movie and they told me they lived on the Southside of Atlanta. I was on the North West side. If they had been caught they didn’t want to be in their area. They wanted to get together and do it again sometime and asked for my telephone number. I gave them a fake number. I really didn’t want to get involved with something like that on a regular base, so I lied. Just adding the episode to my life experiences was enough.

And I also didn’t go back to that theater again for almost a year. Just in case. But I must admit that there have been times I wish I could bump into them again. For the life experience, you know.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Interview

I agreed to be interviewed by her indoors, who asked me the following five questions.

1. How and when did you meet your partner?
I met Sweet Tea in college. We were both late learners. Me because I just hate school and could only stand it for short periods at a time. ST because she dropped out of school to have her kiddies and move from NJ to CA.

After her divorce she knew she couldn’t raise her kiddies without an education so she went back to school. Three kids (one from her husband’s first marriage) and a full time menial job at a bank and she refused to give up. She started college on a math scholarship to Rutgers, changed her major to chemistry because of ass hole first husban; dropper out a year later to marry and move because he had graduated.

As for me, a friend at work and I were talking one day about me ever getting married again. It wasn’t likely because I had no desire to be married. So that night at school I was thinking about that conversation when a cute lady walked up to the teacher to give him some papers and I though to myself, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I ended up marring her?”

So, after class we were both in the student union waiting for the next class to start when we both walked up to a third student we both knew and started talking. We three, and a couple of others, became a team and met before and between classes until I got fed up with school again and dropped out. (I eventually graduated from another college, but went back and got my masters from this school. ST, Marni and I are all alumni.) But I stopped by one night to pick up some stuff from another friend and ST was there. We started talking, I ask for her number and we started dating. Five years late we were married. When I ask her to marry me, I gave her a ring and ask her to be my tax deduction. She said okay and we were married on Decembe 31st – so I could claim married with two dependents on the tax form. She has been my best tax deduction ever since.

2. What is your idea of a good night out?
A good dinner and a movie with ST. Or any night with the grandkids.

3. What are your hobbies?
Reading, NASCAR, history and the grandkids.

4. What would be your ideal/dream vacation?
An ALL EXPENSE PAID cruise around the world visiting all the historical places I have read about all my like.

5. Tell us about the worst job you have ever had.
I’ve neve had a “worst job.” There have always been good things about every place I have worked. The one that I would not like to go back to, though, is when I worked for a blow-mold injection company making plastic bottles. I had to work the third shift and I hated that.

I enjoyed knowing most of the people I worked with, though. But it was at a down time in my life, and I had lost all my self-esteem. But the best thing that ever happened to me was getting my hand caught in a machine. I was line chief and was helping one of my men who had two machines down for cleaning at one time. A wire that was under the machine had corroded through and broke causing the mold to close on my hand while I was cleaning the head, braking several bones and causing me to be out of work for three weeks.

During that time I had nothing to do but think about where I was in my life. I didn’t like where I was so I started looking around. I found an entry level job with this company and took a pay cut to take the job. Within a year I was a supervisor over twenty women (something I will never do again.) But it was from there that I got my act together, finished college and went on to meet ST and accomplish more that I ever thought I could.

But if it wasn’t for that lousy third shift job there is no telling how I would have ended up. I was on my way to being a drunk and probably being killed by a jealous husband – another byproduct of the company.

Was all the TMI for you? I can ramble on if given the chance. You can wake up now. HEY! I said you can wake up now. Go on. Get out ‘till next time.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Prayer At Work

How to tell if you need to pray at work.

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing “Good Morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the s#@% out of her,”
…you need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, “Office meeting in five minuets,” and you think, “What the f#!&% do they want now?”
…you need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, “Which one of you sons of b#@&% turned my computer off?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something and a third party comes in and says, “Well, at my last office…” and you want to say, “Who the f#*@ cares?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you’re in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minuets waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor and you think, “That Lazy b@$*!%^.”
…you need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, “What the h#^^ does she want now?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and comeback to find a mountain of paper work sitting on your desk because no one else would do it, and you think, “Ya’ll Sorry A## M#&*%@ F%#^*.”
…you need to pray at work.

If you ever thought about poisoning, chocking, punching, or slapping someone that you work with,
…you need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it’s going to lead to listing to their whole f#^*% life story,
…you need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out…
You DEFINITELY need to pray at work.

And as for the government,
The government should change its national symbol from the bald eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

NOW, LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Too Hot

The grand kids are back in school, now. But we went to Florida to take advantage of the last few days for summer freedom. We were in Panama City, and man has that place changed. The three hurricanes that hit the gulf cost summer before last was a Godsend to those people. Everything was torn up and, now most everything is new and higher – both in price and height. But the ocean was great.

Personally I loved the smell of the salt air and the fairly warm ocean water. There was a storm about 10 miles off the coast that had the waves coming in pretty high and strong. There was a 10 to 15 mile per hour breeze that kept things cooled off, and it was wonderful for about 15 minuets. Then the constant pounding of the waves, the sand sliding out from under your feet and the need to lean into the waves got to be annoying. But I had to stay because Bug was holding my arm and “riding” the waves as they came by. Occasionally she would let go and dive into a big wave, come out wiping hair and water from her face and, opening her eyes and not seeing me in front of her, I would hear, “Paw Paw?” I would have stayed till midnight if she wanted too.

Sweet Tea LOVES the ocean and Bug does too. J-Man and I lean more toward the pool. He is amazing in the water. Both the kids are. But J-Man seems born to swim and dive and do tricks in the water. He’s amazing, and funny. We were sitting around the motel room that evening and something on the TV got us taking about kissing. I said it the low, sexy voice of some comedian I heard, “Come here, baby, I’m the Love Doctor and I want to play some tonsil hockey.” J-Man laughed and said in the same voice (or as close as a twelve year old can come to low) “Come here baby and let me clean your tonsils.” And started flicking his tongue around. I laughed for most of the night. Even after he went to sleep.

But, as with all good thins, it must come to an end. We came home Wednesday to a house that had a broken air-conditioned. The inside temperature, when we got home was 85 degrees. I’m glad it was almost dark. The next day I called a few repair places until I got one to agree to come that afternoon. At the same time I had a virus, bug, worm piece of shit get into my PC and I had the help desk on the phone for over four hours. So between the two, I couldn’t leave the house. When the repair man finally showed up it was 97 degrees in the house. It was 99 degrees outside (with a heat index of 105 to 110 degrees,) but there was a breeze out there. The house was just stale, hot air. After that, it so easy for me to see how there are so many deaths from the heat every year. BTW, it is not global warming. It's called SUMMER. Anyway, I was only in my shorts and sweating like a lumberjack whore on payday. I was getting nauseated and feeling ill by the time he got the damn thing working.

So, three hundred dollars later, I was able to leave the house and go to the Waffle House where I just set in a sweat soaked shirt (I put it on when the repair man showed up because I didn’t want to distract him with my awesome old man body physique) in the freezing air-conditioning. It was heaven, and I will never complain about the WH being too cold again.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Aother Meme

My sweet daughter, Marni, has tagged me to do this meme because she said I have nothing else to do. Smart ass! Doesn’t she realize that my day is as full as hers? There are between 9 and 15 television shows, lunch at the Waffle House, honey do’s at the store, a nap, overtime in the bathroom and other time consuming activates that keep me pretty busy. She’s lucky I have a spare minuet to read her site, much less do these meme’s. But in doing so, I never realized so much shit happened on my birthday.

So, onto the rules:

You go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (month and day)

Then you write down 3 events, 2 births, 1 holiday, and tag 5 friends.

Events:
1886: Mormon prophet, John Taylor, receives a controversial revelation on plural marriages that now divides the factions of Mormonism. The Dumb Ass.

1968: The musical Hair opened in London, where it played 1,998 performances until a closure was forced by the roof’s collapsing in July 1973.

1998: Google is established.

Births
1934 – Wilford Brimley - American actor
1943 – Meat Loaf, American singer (So it says!)
Also 1944 - coffeypot

Holiday
World Tourism Day

And now to do the obligatory tag.

coffindoger - Trish - Just because.
crazy cat woman - Because she is as crazy as I am.
Heidy - Because she is always unique.
Itchy - Because she lives in Virginia.
KB - Because he needs the exercise in writing on his new blog.

Later dudes and dudets.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'v Been Tagged

I was tagged by Cindydianne. It is difficult for me to come up with eight things that might interest you because I am so damn boring. But I was tagged, so here goes:

Each player should post these rules first. Each blogger lists 8 random facts about themselves or their habits. At the end of their list should be the people who they are tagging! Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that you have tagged them.
Here are my 8 Things:
1. I am tall and slender (6’3’ normally 205lbs) however I have put on about 15 lbs and it all went to my gut. Now, when I lay down I look like a water hose with a bubble in it.
2. Back in the 70’s I raced a stock car on three of the local dirt track bull rings. But I maxed out on talent and ran out of money at the same time. But I am still a huge fan.
3. Due to not practicing the most rigorous and dedicated form of oral hygiene, combined with a dab of Diabetes, I now have an upper denture. It drives the grandkids crazy when I take it out and touch my nose to my chin, especially if I do it in a public place like the mall. When I do it they run away. I guess I embarrass them – which is the reason I do it.
4. I’ve had diarrhea for over a week – and I still have the extra 15 lbs. Went to the doctor and she said that I have too much bad bacteria in my lower intestine. I have to build up the good bacteria (good?!?) so I am on an Activia diet. It takes a couple of weeks for it to work, so, with any luck I’ll lose the 15 lbs without having to do anything different.
5. I love to laugh more than anything in the world. I find humor in EVERTHING – even myself. Poor Sweet Tea has no since of humor and she looks at me with a mixture of what is he laughing at and is he nuts. She laughs AT me sometimes, but that’s okay. At least she is laughing.
6. I had some polyps taken out of my nose a few years ago and I now have a difficult time smelling things when I am suppose to. If you stick a bottle under my nose and say smell, I can’t. But if you leave the bottle open for a while I will finally get a whiff. By the time I smell it, everyone else has already passed out. That’s the reason I have to be careful with silent farts.
7. I love history and visiting historical sites. Especially Old West and Civil War stuff. I believe that the men in the Civil War were the bravest men who ever fought a battle. What made men walk shoulder to shoulder onto open fields and face dreadful cannon fire for no more reason that love and loyalty to state and their fellow comrades is so beyond me. I’m not sure I could have done it. I’m a pussy, ya know.
8. I almost killed a man one time. But I changed my mind. And I sobered up. I don’t know which happened first, but I’m glad it did. Being someone named Bubba’s bitch in not one of the top activities I yearn for. But a big mouth and alcohol and carrying a gun and immaturity do not mix. It wasn’t until the next day that I fully appreciated what almost happened, and to this day I don’t carry a firearm with me or in my car. Like I said, I’m a pussy.
Now I have to tag some other eager beavers. So:
1. Coopergreen – But I can’t go to his site and leave a message because he has a fucked up system that will not let me comment for some reason. Recon it’s just me?
2. Eclectic Tales - Old Lady
3. GrizzBaby
4. Pug's Place - Lori
And anyone else who wants to participate, welcome. I would like to learn more about you.