As many of you know, e.craig, brother dave and I were in the Navy. I was a radarman, I don’t remember what e.craig did, but brother dave was a pecker-checker (corpsman – medic – medical personal.) We all served on board a Navy destroyer – me the USS Frank E. Evans (DD754) and e.craig on board the USS The Sullivans (DD 537.) So they will appreciate this little description of Navy life as compared to civilian life sent to me by one of my old Navy shipmates (Quartermaster Chuck.) The only exception I have to this little ditty is the mention in number 12 of curtains. Only submarines and the new fangled Aircraft Carriers have curtains over their racks.
If you were once a US Navy sailor, you will no doubt relate. If you weren't, now perhaps you will understand what the life was like.
How to Simulate Being a Sailor
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawn mower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day , whether it needs it or not.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
35. Have your wife get you up at 0330 one cold morning, stand you on your front porch with 2 Coke bottles tied around your neck while she throws cold water in your face for 4 hours, and then ask you if you want to ship over.
THE OLD A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, computers with light-speed processing...and more."
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.........so, we invented them! Now, you arrogant little s#@t, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was amazing.......
********** I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
********** A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
Two new post today. I'm feeling generous and it's suck-ass Tuesday,too. So enjoy both - if you can.
Here are some rare and unknown facts about me that you might like to know. Or not! My friend, Chuck, sent this to me in an email and I am including him on my return email list because he keeps sending me shit like this and I never respond. So let his email file fill up for a change. If you choose to fill this out for yourself let me know so I can read your stuff, too. If you choose to me more serious, that is good, too. But why?
1. What is your occupation? I occupy my easy-chair 2. What color are your socks right now? White – I’m Southern ya know 3. Where's the question? I think just before the answer 4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bacon, cheese burger and hash browns 5. Can you drive a stick shift? No, but I can drive a manual transmission vehicle. We haven’t used sticks in years. 6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Carl. 7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well, I wouldn’t sleep with him, but yeah, I do. 8. How old are you today? Same age as I was yesterday and tomorrow - 63 9. What is your favorite sport to watch? NASCAR and Nude Mud Wrestling 10. What is your favorite drink? Sweet Iced Tea 11. Have you ever dyed your hair? No! Didn’t have too! It dyed itself from dark brown to gray. 12. Last time you hugged your child? Don’t know. Couple of weeks, maybe 13. Favorite food? Cheeseburgers 14. Last movie you watched? North by Northwest on TV last night 15. Favorite day of the year? Any that I can enjoy 16 How do you vent anger? I scream and yell and stomp my feet. Then I look around to make sure no one saw me. 17 Your favorite toy as a child? My guns and gun belts! I would modify the scabbards for fast draw so I could get the drop on Jessie James and Bill the Kid – desperados all. Oh, yea! A few Indians, too! 18. What is your favorite season? They all have their good points. 19. Ocean or pool? Air-condition den! 20. Cherries or Blueberries? Plums 21. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? If I had any I would like to hear from them. 22. Who is the most likely to respond? To what? 23. Who is least likely to respond? Those who don’t 24. Living arrangements? It is agreed that I can go on living as long as I obey Sweet Tea. 26. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet 27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this? I don’t send shit like this to friends. So if you are reading this, sorry. 28. What did you do last night? Slept 29. Where would you most like to go? To the bathroom without a since of urgency 30. What inspires you? Our men and women in uniform – and I don’t mean Sonics servers 31. What are you most afraid of? Obama being elected 32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? 33. Favorite dog breed? Any that doesn’t bark, shit and piss in the floor and eats Democrats 34. Favorite day of the week? Payday 35. How many states have you lived in? Three: Confusion, Denial and Depression
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave; I look just fine.
POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
This is another email I received and to be honest, the poor people in Iowa make me very proud of my country. These are the can-do people that band together and face tough problems with solutions. They are what make our country great. And, although I cannot imagine how hard it is for them, I find them very encouraging...even though they are not getting the same media coverage, I don't think it bothers them...they have more important things to attend to right now. They are the true backbone of our country, and I wish I could go and work right beside them.
Northern Approaches [John Derbyshire] A reader from the Wolverine State wonders: Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods?
Where is all the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn't solved the problem? Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?
Why isn't the Federal Government relocating Iowa people to free hotels in Chicago?
When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?
Where are Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks?
Where are all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes and big screen television sets?
When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a "vanilla" Iowa, because that's the way God wants it?
Where is the hysterical 24/7 media coverage complete with reports of cannibalism?
Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates white, rural people?
How come in 2 weeks, you will never hear about the Iowa flooding ever again?
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
I love my Country and Western music. I really like the older songs and some of the titles like, “Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone.” Below is a list of song titles sent to me by email and I thought you would enjoy them, too.
COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day