Wednesday, March 31, 2010

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS


Garden Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophis sirtalis, can be dangerous. Yes, pretty little grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Let me explain...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted; the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over. The lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it sparked and started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. The dog, who was startled, jumped up and raced into the street where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, knocking out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife told her husband to bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
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This Little Lady Impressed Me


This morning I had just returned from working out at the gym and was sitting in my recliner waiting for the sweating to stop (don’t worry, it’s leather and cleans quiet easily) before taking a shower and caching up on my emails (tens of them had poured in) and reading my daily blog reads when off to the side of my lap top I could see the television and The View was on. It was a rerun of a show I saw a couple of weeks ago. The Self-absorbed Bitches were interviewing Danielle Steele (you know her - the writer of a gazillion books) and I have to say she really impressed me.

I’m not a fan of ‘chick books’ or romantic novels. But I have read a few of her books, my favorite being Santiago Blue - about the women who flew for the Army in WWII.

She is a lady of slight build, very soft spoken and, from her body language, very shy and withdrawn. Not that she didn’t answer every question with clarity and grace, but that she set with her arms tight against the body and her hands folded in her lap. Like a frighten mouse. But a frighten mouse who was very intelligent and spoke in a soft but clear voice. I wanted to hug her.

One thing that really impressed me is that she has 9 children and spent twenty seven years at home raising her kids and doing her writing at night. She only traveled when she absolutely had to for her books. The rest of her time she spent being a mom and raising her kids. Probably one of the richest authors in the world yet she lived a humble life (compared to what her wealth could have brought her).

In answer to one question, she never writes about steamy sex exploits. She said it was more exciting to just let the bedroom door shut on the reader and leave the rest to the readers imagination.

She had a bad childhood. Her father taught her to be ‘ugly’ as that helped a girl be more intelligent and that her mother, a former beautiful model, gave her grief, too. She was raised in wealth but felt ugly all her life.

Asked about how she writes, she is afraid of computers and still types out her books on a 1949 typewriter she is trying to keep together. Imagine!?!? Where do they even sell typewriter ribbons, much less one for a 1949 typewriter?

One of her funniest moments to me was when she said that she couldn’t use an electric typewriter because when she rested her hands on the keyboard to think she would type out two chapters in Polish.

All the money, all the fame, and she is still a gracious and sweet woman. Makes me wonder how many other famous people are just as genuine. Do you know of any?
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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Kids Questions on Religion


Kids listen, but they don't exactly hear things the same way adults do. And they have questions. Especially when it come to religion. Here are a few questions, comments and observations from some of our ‘little people.’

3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.'
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A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
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One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!'
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
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A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
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Racist


“Cool it with the ethnic jokes. Here comes Polish Sausage.”

A customer in a store is clearly having trouble finding an item. A clerk approaches him and the customer asks, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy (clearly offended) says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?’ If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “Well, no, I probably wouldn’t!”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

Monday, March 29, 2010

Redneck Monday - Goofie Sayings


Here are a few more sayings us good old boys (and some gals) like to say during the course of a conversation. I know, I know, they are great and you can use them anytime you need to make a cool statement or put an emphases to your yammering.

No thanks you’s are necessary either. It is my pleasure and my aim to keep you educated.


That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.

That’s slicker than greased goose shit.

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slicker than a minnow’s dick.

Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat shit on linoleum.

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles fucking in molasses.

His pants were so tight, if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken shit on the pump handle.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my ass in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

That's as hard to do as trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doorknob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for a night with him.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

It was hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

Let's make like a cow turd and hit the trail.

If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.

Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

It's hotter than two hamsters fucking in a wool sock.

If I had a swing like that I would ride it every night.

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.

That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

I thought we were tighter than midget pussy.

His dick was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Did I Post This Before?


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, “Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.”

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the microwave to reheat it.

As I head toward th e kitchen with the coffee, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the coffee on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.

The bills aren't paid.

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter.

The flowers don't have enough water.

There is still only 1 check in my check book.

I can't find the remote.

I can't find my glasses.

AND,

I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward or send this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Email From Retired Sailors


From: Retired U.S Navy Personnel

To: The American Public

We in retirement take exception to everyone saying
that Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending
like drunken sailors.

When we were drunken sailors,
we quit when we ran out of money.

PLEASE DO NOT INSULT US...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Somebody New Fer Ya


Okay, peeps, I have something for you. A VIRGIN. I met a great lady on Face Book awhile back who has been thinking about blogging for some time. Now she has set up a bog and she can use your support. Her name is Stacie and she is a Texas gal, has a daughter who is about to go to college, and she loves cooking. Her motto is STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN.

She is an avid collector of cook books, a teacher, a reader, a little OCD, plays games on FB and is a great writer. And she's cute, too. Not that it means anything to me of course. But she does keep me chuckling when we text and she has some cool stories.

So give the girl a chance will yah? Be gentle with her as this is her first time. You can rough her up later, if you like. And you will like her.

Her site is Cooking Up Trouble Texas Style . Go on over, ya know ya wanna.

Give her the love.

Obamacare New Medical Symbol

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts our new Health Care Plan.



As for the seniors, buy some condoms, we are going to need them.
Might as well stock up on Vasoline, too.

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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Your First Concert

Over on Face Book I reposted a post from a friend about first concerts.


My first was a Peter, Paul and Mary concert back in ‘66 or ‘67 at the old Civic Auditorium in Atlanta.


However, some of the comments I received over on FB were pretty cool.

So tell me about your first concert. Who and when and where! Some of you probably saw Mozart and others might have seen Miley Cyrus for your first concert. Anysong, let us know…

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Words of Wisdom from the Coffeypot

My words of wisdom today:

Never piss off a woman that owns a backhoe...



Wednesday, March 24, 2010

They Walk Among Us


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was
north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us !
--------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said, 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

And finally,

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House!!!

The Internet In Florida


THE INTERNET IN FLORIDA

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem

SERENITY NOW:CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago:
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Monday, March 22, 2010

Redneck Monday - Redneck Lent


Redneck Monday is coming to you from the Nude Blogging At The Motel room in Winchester.

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, BJ (Bubba Jr.) would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic

Faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. At the end of class the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

“You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Let Me Tell You... and I'm On The Road Again


“Let me tell you about this idiot who called me yesterday. Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, ya know, and yesterday I get this call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.”


That’s it for today, peeps. I have to make a special run to NY with another load of dogs moving into forever homes. This will be the third trip this month. My second and another couple took a load up this past Thursday.

I’ll check in when I can. Maybe Monday night. Caio!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Pimping an Army Dude


I was reading my blog friend who calls himself Charlie Sherpa over at Red Bull Rising and found this prayer posted. He said that Eleanor Roosevelt carried with her during WWII.

"Dear Lord,

Lest I continue
My complacent way,
Help me to remember that somewhere,
Somehow out there
A man died for me today.
As long as there be war,
I then must
Ask and answer
Am I worth dying for?"

I am going to print it out and carry it with me so that when I open my wallet I will see it.

Charlie was writing about an Iowa native, Captain Dan Whitten, West Pointer, who was killed in February. His humvee hit an IED and wounded one of his men. He jumped into another humvee, drove to his destroyed vehicle and got the wounded shoulder. He was taking him to an aid station when his himvee hit another IED and he and another trooper were killed.

Go over and read his story linked by Sherpa. And keep coming back as this boy can write.

Now...keep reading below as I have several side-splitting post and videos for your viewing pleasure. Go on, now. Keep reading and commenting. Don't make me come after you...
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I WAS CONFUSED UNTIL...


I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

You're welcome!

Dunkin Donuts - It's Spiritual

Lord, ain't it so true!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Liu Qian - Magicain

This Is Amazing To My Simple Mind.

Absolutely Amazing - Where Did He Get 3 Silver Dollars?

Two Ultimate Fighting Matches

This is why I don't fight.

It would happen to me as sure as I'm setting in my chair right now.


But this one is a classic.

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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Other Side Of Mt. Rushmore


Ever Wonder What The Canadian Side Of Mt. Rushmore Looks Like?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St Patty's Day Me Lads and Lassies


Me, my truck (the Tin Can)and my Irish Shirt.
Tis the day ya know!



This is my "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button I wear on my two year old, beat up belt.
(It hasn't worked yet, but I have to keep on hopeing.)

As for today...

Faith and Begorrah (by Faith and by God)

Today is the day we Irish celebrate St. Patrick (a Scott who was kidnapped and enslaved by the Irish. Escaped and saw the light, went back to Ireland to preach the Gospel - or drink Guinness - or something like that.) He did help rid the islands of snakes, but not in the literal term. The ‘snakes’ mentioned in all the hoopla of St. Patrick’s Day was the English which he helped drive out of Ireland. But the Irish have been fighting among themselves ever since - over religion and the rule of Great Britain.

But for me, I just get to wear the green and maybe drink a beer or two. I’m not Irish American. I’m American. American by birth and Southern by the Grace of God.

It is a fun day by those who are responsible. So I wish for you that you are in Heaven An Hour Before The Devil Knows Your Dead.

And an Irish Wish For You.

“May there always be work for your hands to do,
May your purse always hold a coin or two,
May the sun always shine on your windowpane,
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,
May the hands of a friend always be near you,
May god fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.”

Some Irish Toast

*May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

*May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

*May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.

*May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

*May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.

*May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband(or wife).

*May the sound of happy music, And the lilt of Irish laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.

*May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

And some Irish Drinking Toast for yea

Here's to me, and here's to you, And here's to love and laughter- I'll be true as long as you, And not one moment after.

Here's to you and yours, and to mine and ours. And if mine and ours ever come across to you and yours, I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours, As mine and ours have done for you and yours!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

Erin Go Braugh (sometimes Bragh) - Ireland Forever!
And
God Bless America and Long Live The South!

Dogs Trained For Serivce

It is amazing how mans best friend is so trainable and willing to learn.

Accordingly, our EMS has introduced trained service dogs to help cut costs.

Canines have been used for police work, search & rescue, tracking, service dogs, and a variety of other tasks.

Now they're assisting EMS and doing so at a much lower cost.

See the example below:


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Nun's Lunch


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "And do you of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'

The worker yelled back,"Cos his wife's here with his lunch".

(I sure hope God and The Pope have a since of humor.)
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Redneck Monday Addendum - Fishing For Catfish


Now, here is a genuine red neck performance.

Don't get much Redneck’er than this.

Now you know why I don't fish anymore. I sobered up!!!

I used to hear that if a snapping turtle bit you he would not let go until it thunders! On of the men I use to work with had a nickname of "Boom Boom" because of that very belief. He got his hand snapped by a snapping turtle and he was trying to shake it of yelling, "BOOM, BOOM" trying to sound like thunder.

Man it's great being a redneck.

Redneck Monday - Redneck Comments


Us'en Rednecks have a way wif words. There are hunnards of'em, but I won't tell them all to ya rat now. Just a few to wet ya wissle. If'fin y'all have any quessions, just leave'em in that thar comment box and I'll get to'em shortly.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.( bad shot)

I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse...'course, can't hurt none either.

I'd love to have a dress just like that, but I don't go to many Puerto Rican proms.

Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.

He's so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.

Nuttier than a Squirrel turd.

I'd rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than...

You catch more flies with jam than you do with vinegar.

As easy as herding chickens.

Richer than 3 feet up a bull's ass (bull manure is especially good fertilizer).

Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.

I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!

She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

She's as useful as a tit on a boar hog.

Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

You're as handy as a cow on a crutch.

You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play her.

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two pecker’ed billy goat.

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

Busier than a stump full of ants.

That dawg won't hunt.

It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Pay Attention To Thomas Jefferson


HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW? - Jefferson paid attention and heeded what history showed did not work. Today's generation chooses to "make their own mistakes" rather than learn form the past. If only we were not so arrogant.

Check out these statements from President Jefferson:

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of
patriots and tyrants.

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

Thomas Jefferson also said in 1802: 'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property - until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.'

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A Day Without Snow and Rain - Almost

Woke up this morning to sunshine. No rain, no snow, no freezing weather! Just a pretty morning. Strange feeling! But since we have the grandkids, we felt even more the urge to go out among the world and commingle. So the first trip (and no day can start without it) was to the Waffle House to fortify our bodies for the impending day.

While there we talk about all the options and decided that the zoo would be a great place to go. The Grant Park (not named after that Northern Interloper, U.S. Grant but for a railroad magnate, Lemuel P. Grant) has two major attractions; the Atlanta Zoo and the Cyclorama, a huge circular painting depicting the Battle of Atlanta.

So, in 50 degree, chilly, windy weather, off we go.

This is Judy and the kids walking into the park.


This is me and my two favorite ladies, Bug on the left and Judy.


Bug and J-Man goofing off in front of the Pink Flamingos.


There has to be someone different in every crowd - even in nature.


We visited an aviary full of parakeets. These two were actually kissing and there was the beginnings of a nest being built.

Then we saw a variety of animals, but most were kept inside. I didn’t get pictures of the monkey house, the big cat house or the reptile house, except for the black mamba. Next time!







Judy on the phone with an old colleague who is moving back to Georgia with her job, and yours truly outside the gorilla exhibit.


J-Man with one of his favorite creatures, the Orangutan.


The Atlanta Zoon is fortunate to have a collection of Panda’s from China.
We pay almost 2.5 million a year for each of them.
They also have two babies that will be (must be) shipped back to China soon.


Then there is the petting zoo.

But the highlight of the day was the Merry-Go-Round.


After the ride began moving, it was like a wild ride for me.
YIPPEEEEEE!


We then went to the Cyclorama ( no pictures - their rules).

Then finished up the day with a fun dinner at a Japanese restaurant (fire, knife tricks and all.)


Trust me, peeps, there are many more pictures to show you, but this is enough. We did dodge a few minor drizzles and was in the Cyclorama when the big rain came, but the day was just perfect. I love being with my little buddies and seeing things thought their eyes.

I now return you to you daily blog readings.

Coffey Out!
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Friday, March 12, 2010

What Tolerance Looks Like

Something I don't have.

I have a t-shirt with a vulture sitting on a cactus and the caption says, "Patience My Ass...I'm Gonna Kill Something."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

How and Why The Arabs Made Our Basic Numbers

My daughter, Marni, sent this to me. Whether this is true or not, it is very interesting…

How numerals 0 - 9 got their shape:

Do you know why numbers look like they do? Someone, at some point in time, had to create their shapes and meaning. Watch this short presentation and then you will know how our Arabic numbers were originally created a very long time ago and what logic the people that created them used to determine their shapes. It is really very simple and quite creative? You have to admire the intelligence of a person that created something so simple and perfect that it has lasted for thousands and thousands of years and will probably never change? Give it a look-see.



You no doubt noticed when the presentation gets to the number "seven" that the 7 has a line through the middle of it. That was the way the Arabic 7 was originally written, and in Europe and certain other areas they still write the 7 that way. Also, in the military, they commonly write it that way.

The nine has a kind of curly tail on it that has been reduced, for the most part nowadays, to a simple curve, but the logic involved still applies.

Coo1, huh?

Husband and Wife For Real


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A wedding tragedy is when you marry for love and then find out he has no money.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
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Monday, March 08, 2010

There Is A Communist Living In The White House

Again my buddy, Bob, over at Nobody’s Corner, has a great post. So I stole the damn thing. I love it when y’all do my research for me. Thanks, Bob!

Victoria is cute and funny, but this one isn’t a joke. It’s the truth (as I see it.)



Now everybody sing along...

Redneck Monday - Things A Redneck Will Not Say


40 Things You’ll Never Hear A Redneck Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

AIDS Warning


SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

and most of all,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS
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