Friday, July 30, 2010

HEY BLOGGER KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT’S NUDE BLOGGING TIME, UNCLE POT!
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)



Alright peeps! Let’s settle down now…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

Okay! Thank you, now lets get on with the post…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

SHUTIT, DAMMIT!
(cricket - cricket)

Thank you! Now own with the show.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!
******
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend..

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico!
*****

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
*****

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
*****

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

...Apparently the correct answer is:

'Fiji Islands'.

Now! Does anyone want to come and sit on my lap and tell me what you have learned today?
(crickets - crickets)

Ingrates!
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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hauling Dogs and Obama's Failure With The Media



Gotta go to NY again today. Dem dogs need a home so I gotta do it. Dammit!

But before I go, let me leave you with a few standup comics views on our under-impressive president, barry ’the ears’ Obama - he doesn’t deserve capital letters. Thanks to Weezer for these chuckles…


STAND-UP COMEDIANS, MORE THAN ANY OTHER GROUP, HAVE THEIR FINGERS IN THE WIND
ACCURATELY DETECTING WHICH WAY IT IS BLOWING.

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and we think 25 to life would be appropriate. --> Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --> Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --> Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. --> Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --> David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! --> Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. --> Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --> David Letterman

Talk About Milsupport - I Did

I got a call a few weeks ago from a friend and Vietnam Marine chopper pilot and who is also a retired Air Force gentleman (and yes, I do know some gentlemen) telling me his Parish was working on the idea of starting a Milsupport Ministry. They were looking for someone well versed on the subject to attend a meeting and give some pointers and ideas. Well, that person was busy, as were the next 50 or so they ask, so he ask me to do it.



I agreed and tonight was the night. I don’t mind, and even enjoy standing in front of strangers and talking. Though you graduates and masters of Toastmasters would be cringing in the audience like a kid in a classroom listening to the teacher scrape her nails across a chalk board, things went well. They had some very good questions and, though I had handouts of suggested items and instrucitons, many were taking notes (or doodling on the handouts.)

It was a room full of vets, a couple of which were Mustangs (men who joined as enlisted and went on to become officers) and people who were raised as military brats or were married to men in combat situations from Vietnam to the present.

I only talked for about 20 minutes and, as I said, handed out some information and examples of how to send and what to send to the troops. No one fell a sleep (the coffee was strong.)

Then a lady who was both a Marine milbrat and Marine wife with 5 kids, also gave a talk on the family side of military life. She talked her experience as both a brat and wife and about how the Parish could support the families with deployed people.

It was one of the most enjoyable evenings I had in many a day. Great people, good snacks and great coffee. Those Catholics really know how to put out a spread.

But more importantly, there will be some of our guys and gals getting some surprise packages in the mail soon. And that’s a good thing.
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

How To Write More Gooder



In my continuing attempt to educate and enlighten you, my peeps, I found this awesome article at Christine’s place, here, and though you writers out there could use the advice. You’re welcome!

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Profanity sucks.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Now, peeps, go forth and do gooder writing.
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Monday, July 26, 2010

Well?

Hey Y'All!

Ya Like My New Look?

I even have my nude blogger up there.

Pimp My Ride



Been There; Done That
Just Not In The Back Window

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Redneck Monday - Old Farmer's Advice


When I started Redneck Monday I told you peeps, and I’m telling you new peeps, that knowing a redneck is a good thing. Redneck and Hillbillies are the backbone of this country.

They are your best friend and your worst enemy. They are loyal, loving, caring, giving, religious and patriotic to a fault. They will be there with food and clothes in your time of need. And will help you fix anything that needs fixing. Some are not well educated, but are the smartest people on earth. They know life.

There is no p/c bullshit with them, either. What you see is what you get. They will tell you like it is and expect the same from you. They may get mad and hit you, but they will also pick you up and buy you a beer.

Hillbillies are the people who run the hills, operate the stills, run the garages and filling stations, build your homes and pave your roads. They work with their hands and use tools and equipment.

Rednecks, on the other hand, are your farmers and others who work outside where the sun beats down own their necks - thus the red neck moniker. Some hillbillies cross over into the redneck line because of being outside. But regardless, they are good to know.

One of the best known and respected redneck is the farmer. The lovers and cultivators of the land and who provide our grocry needs. These men are men of wisdom and sage. To prove my point, here are a few farmer sayings that could help you through life.

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer..

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.


There, now. Don't cha feel a little smarter?
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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Redneck Monday on Sunday

There's a lot of truth in this...



Kinda brings a tear to ya eye, don't it.
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Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Wisdom Of Youth On Relationships


How is it that kids are so much more aware of the human nature than those of us who raise them? Maybe we should stop and listen to them sometimes.

These are questions asked to some very astute young people. Their answers are amazing.

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Friday, July 23, 2010

Archaeology - Georgia Style


Archaeologist digging in New Your found, at a depth of 10 feet, traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wires, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the discovery in New Yorker".

A week later, The Atlanta Journal, the major newspaper in Atlanta, GA, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Winder, GA, Bubba Ledbetter, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago GA had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be from Georgia!

Cpl. Joe L. Wrighsman - America's Hero



Take a few minutes and go to America‘s 1st Sgt‘s site here and read about a true hero.

We are so blessed that there are young men of this caliber walking among us. Without any regard for his own safety, he went to the aid of another who was not a Marine nor an American.

And the men who went to their aide are just as brave. As are all our guys and gals serving our country and sacrificing for a greater cause. Bless'em all!

God best this Marine and may he have light duty guarding Heavens Gates. And I pray for peace and loving care for the family he left behind.

Simper Fi, Cpl. Joe L. Wrightsman! Well done!

FYI - The 3rd Marines, 3 Battalion is know as America's Battalion. Thus America's 1st Sgt and America’s Hero.

Obama Inherited His Own Huge Deficit

I have noticed that when I post anything political, I get very few comments, if any. Understand, I am not trying to cram my political views down your throat, but I do want to let you know my views and beliefs. I am a firm believer in my country and the tenants upon which she was built. I do not believe in Barrack Husain Obama and his Socialist ways. I do believe he is a closet Muslim and is also dedicated to destroying anything that has to do with individual rights or freedom. Totally government control over ever aspect of our lives with him as the HMFIC (Head Mother Fucker In Charge.) And the American people (but fewer every day) believes in is lies and manipulation of the truth. So here is my latest post from my friend Val. Copy and send it out in your emails, too. If you care.
*****
The Washington Post babbled again recently about Obama inheriting a huge deficit from Bush. Amazingly enough, a lot of people swallow this nonsense. So once more, a short civics lesson.

Budgets do not come from the White House. They come from Congress, and the party that controlled Congress since January 2007 is the Democratic Party. They controlled the budget process for FY 2008 and FY 2009, as well as FY 2010 and FY 2011. In that first year, they had to contend with George Bush, which caused them to compromise on spending, when Bush somewhat belatedly got tough on spending increases.

For FY 2009 though, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid bypassed George Bush entirely, passing continuing resolutions to keep government running until Barack Obama could take office. At that time, they passed a massive omnibus spending bill to complete the FY 2009 budgets.

And where was Barack Obama during this time? He was a member of that very Congress that passed all of these massive spending bills, and he signed the omnibus bill as President to complete FY 2009. Let's remember what the deficits looked like during that period: (below)



If the Democrats inherited any deficit, it was the FY 2007 deficit, the last of the Republican budgets. That deficit was the lowest in five years, and the fourth straight decline in deficit spending. After that, Democrats in Congress took control of spending, and that includes Barack Obama, who voted for the budgets. If Obama inherited anything, he inherited it from himself.

In a nutshell, what Obama is saying is I inherited a deficit that I voted for and then I voted to expand that deficit four-fold since January 20th.

There is no way in hell that this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference. Lets work on a Change You Can Believe In.
'

The Bagpiper


As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and notice the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that afore and I've beena putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years!"

Apparently I'm still lost....
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Old Couple On The Porch

Copied From ACE

Forgetter Be Forgotten


Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the devil was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH A LOT

Shame On Georgia


I'm a Red Dirt Georgia Boy, born and bread. I love my state. I love my Southern Hertige. I love GRITS. But sometimes my people can really piss me off.

Yesterday I spent the day working at my local precinct because it was election day. Fourteen hours makes for a long day, especially when you are just reading, talking, walking around wondering were everyone is.

Admittedly, Georgia is set up for early voting and many people take advantage of that feature. But most vote on election day.

Not so much!

With over 2,800 plus or minus voters registered, we had 378 people come in today. What is wrong with your people? This country is in a turmoil and your voice needs to be heard. Are you that fucking lazy? Regardless of what you think, your vote does make a difference. All the totals are made up on one vote at a time. Make yours one of them.

A lady coming through today said she heard on the news that Georgia is 48th in the Nation in voter turn out. I don’t know if that is true or not, but there sure weren’t any souls marching through my precinct.

Sham on you, Georgia.

At A Local Bar The Other Night...


So, having already downed a few power drinks at the bar, a woman turns around and faces the man standing next to her, looks him straight in the eye and says:

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
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Monday, July 19, 2010

NUFF SAID


Nuff Said!

The Best Wedding Ever

The reason guys are not wedding planners...

Redneck Monday - You Might Be One If...



There's No Doubt You're A Redneck Iffin ...

...You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.

...Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

...The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

...You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

...Your best shoes have numbers on the heels.

...Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

...Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

...You trim your beard and find a french fry.

...You see a sign that says "Just Say No To Crack!" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

...You've ever used pantyhose as a coffee filter.

...You've ever asked a widow for her telephone number at the funeral home.

...You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at your reception.

...You've ever backed down an exit ramp.

...You come back from the dump with more than you took.

...You consider a six pack of Pabst and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

...Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

...You've ever "hit on" somebody in a V.D. clinic.

...You think "the dishwasher is broke" means your wife has no money.

...Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

...You've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

...You've ever had sex in a satellite dish.

...Somebody hollers "Hoe Down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

...You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.

...You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

...All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

...Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

...Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

...You know at least twenty people, including yourself, who are related to that feller playing the banjo in "Deliverance."

...Your mother-in-law does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Policeman to kiss her ass

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The One Flaw In A Woman



Do you know what the one flaw is in a woman?

http://www.theoneflawinwomen.com/

And I thought it was all about the sex - or lack of it.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Saturday Night Irony Humor

How 'bout some Saturday night humor. To tired from the transport trip to do much else. I old, yah know. I got these from my blogging friend, ACE.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not to his own facts."
Daniel Patrick Moynihan

You Can't Teach Stupid - It Comes Naturally















Thursday, July 15, 2010

Gotta Go Again


Gotta go again...but not to pee this time (well, soon) but to NY with another load of dogs heading to forever homes.

If not too tired, I'll me nude blogging Friday night at the motel. Otherwise, I'll check back you peeps on Saturday night.

TTFN
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Doctor What Is It


A naive young woman goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm
getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions."

He says, "All right."

She says, "All right...what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?"

The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis."

She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?"

The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans."

She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?"

The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Happy Kangaroo and Happy Dicks



Now I honestly believe that I was reincarnated from a kangaroo.

And speaking of Dicks…

Greatest Headline in the History of Sports Journalism

Happy Dicks was a linebacker at the University of Georgia in the mid 60's, which will make this article about the journalist from Georgia, the late, Lewis Grizzard, AÖ '68, that much funnier.

On the eve of the Georgia - South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was hanging out with three Sigma Pi brothers (the Hound, Tex , and Bake), drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on Atlanta Highway. We were discussing the upcoming game against the Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key players out with injuries, including our starting DE, Billy Payne (who ran the Atlanta Olympics and is now Ch of the Board at Augusta National) and his roommate, MLB, Happy Dicks.

About 10:00 that night, another fraternity brother, Lewis Grizzard, came in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy (the first of many--all with the same name--Plaintiff). In addition to taking a full load at the University, he was working two jobs to help pay for (as he called it) "this expensive habit." A talented young man, he was writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.

Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced, "Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you'll witness journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my editor - and there's a good chance of that happening, since he looked drunk earlier this evening - you'll enjoy the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four of us went back over to the Fraternity house to get a head start on the weekend.

The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever - all because of the headline, which read:

DOGS TO PLAY COCKS WITH DICKS OUT.

There's no doubt about it, it was "the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

He was certainly one of a kind. Grizzard, I mean.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

RESTREPO and Earl - A Great Couple Of Days

Monday and Tuesday have been awesome for me and Judy. We drove down to Columbus, GA, to Ft. Benning to watch the screening of RESTREPO, a documentary by Sebastian Junger and Tim Herington.

These two guys made 10 trips to be with the men of Battle Company, 2nd of the 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team in the Kornegal Valley of Afghanistan - one of the deadliest places on Earth.


The outpost was named for Juan ‘Doc’ Restrepo, a medic killed a few weeks after arriving. His death affected all the men and when they pushed into the Taliban’s territory, they named the out-post after him.

The documentary speaks for itself. Very few questions are asked and you can hear a few comments from Sebastian and Tim, but it is mostly the voices of the men in the platoon.

I thoroughly enjoyed the viewing and have many feelings and thoughts about what I saw. But mostly just know that war is dirty, nasty, stinking, frightful, funny, boring and cruel, and it doubles my feelings of love and respect for all those dudes and dudetts over there.

Also in attendance and stood for a Q&A was the then Captain now Major who was prominent in the movie and his Colonel. I got their autographs on a movie poster and got to talk to them for a bit. Great men. There were also some of the platoon in the audience, but they did not get up for the Q&A, choosing to just stay humble in their glory. Many won medals for bravery and wounds for their service that year. I did get to talk to a couple of them, too. I was humbled and awed to the openness and friendliness of the guys.



(Leta Caruth, Judy, Kanani Fung, Studly Hungwell)

These two ladies made it possible for Judy and I to be there. Devoted women to milsupport and to the Airborne. I would loved to have spent more time with them, but they were very busy getting ready for after hours…uh…stuff.


(Studley, Judy, Marie and Earl)

Tuesday Judy and I got to meet my old shipmate, Earl and his wife Marie. Great people who I am very proud to call true friends. Love those two as if they were my own family.

They took us on a tour of Columbus that included the Civil War Naval Museum and the Ft. Benning Army Infantry Museum. Both are great, but the Infantry Museum is freaking awesome. If you are in the Columbus area, you have to go there.

We finished off the day at a Japanese restaurant, and then headed home. I’m very tired but it is a good tired. Anytime I get to send with Earl and Marie is good. And getting to meet Kanini and Leda was a great treat, too. They are some very driven yet personable ladies.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Redneck Monday - WalMart Quote and Mo Sayings


(Wanna Ring That Door Bell?)

Even Redneck Women know the importance of dressing up for swanky places:


AND NOW, MORE REDNECK SAYINGS:

He’s slower than molasses runnin up hill in July.

That’s funnier then watchen a retard get laid.

Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!

I'm so hungry my belly button is sticking out of my ass hole.

Well knock me down and steal my teeth!

He swapped legs with a jaybird and got cheated out of a butt.

It's hotter than a spanked baby's ass out here.

You can't get blood from a turnip.

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.
(Cooter Brown is a name used in metaphors and similes for drunkenness.)

That BBQ is tangier than my brother's cutoffs.

He's so scared you couldn't drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.

He's handier than a pocket on a shirt.

If I had that swing on my back porch I’d ride it every night.
(Watching a girl walk by)

Champane Taste On Soda Pop Salary.

My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to get drunk to breastfeed her!

I'm so poor if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickel I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.

It's Hotter n' hell's basement on the day of reckonin'.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handful of rice!

He Was As Low As The Ex's Lawyer

It’s hotter than 4 or 5 fat bitches in an Escort

That's all for now.

Alright, Stop It!

I hear that clapping and whistling.

Just for that, I'll be back next Monday with more Redneck goodies.
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Sunday, July 11, 2010

A Strang Old Tool

A Strange Old Tool . . . Do you know what it is?

This Old Tool has recently been reintroduced by the Obama Administration as part of its healthcare reform.

Are you starting to feel it yet?

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I Got A Couple Of Awards From A Slut

Today is special for me. I just received, not one, but two awards from the same person. Susan over at Coffee Slut has sent me these awards because she has excellent taste and knows quality blogs when she sees it…or I owe her money or something. And you know that any woman with ‘Slut’ in her name is gonna be my best friend.

And there are rules and shit to follow, but you know me, I don’t do rules very well. I just can’t seem to follow them. My ADHD I guess. But one of the rules is to pass these along to 5 or 10 or 3,000 other bloggers. I cannot and will not do that. I have some of the best bloggers in bogdom and I cannot pick one out over the other to pass along an award. So you all can have either or both. Just take your pick.


The first one is A Blog With Sustenance and I am suppose to list 5 words that sum up my blogging experience, philosophy and/or motivation:
Laughter…Support…Learning…Envy…Sharing


The next one is the Versatile Blogger award. With this I am suppose to tell you seven things you do know about me. Well, I have posted some of these before, but I have a whole cast of new characters that follow me now so I’ll mention some things already confessed to.

1. I use to race stockcars on the dirt track bull rings around the area in the 70’s. Not very good but had a shit-load of fun.
2. I’m and ordained minister. Am, too! $25 on-line so I could legally marry my step-daughter and boyfriend. But they chose to cohabitate instead. Now I am trying to figure out how to get some tax breaks with it. No luck!
3. I have a college degree with an MBA, but the accomplishment I am most proud of is I quit smoking (cold turkey) over 17 years ago. Hardest thing I ever did - at the start - but I refused to let that cigarette take hold of my body and dictate my life. Fucker!
4. I love the sound of 43 NASCAR rockets zooming by on the first two laps when they are all bunched up; the sound of jets zooming over at treetop level; and my grandkids laughter. (My granddaughter has a low, belly rolling laugh and my grandson laughs like me, silent and shaking, but he has a natural smile that will melt your heart.)
5. Except for my family, I keep people at a distance because THEY WILL HURT YOU.
6. Yet, I will move Heaven and Hell to help you if you need it. I will be YOUR best friend and confident - I don’t share your secrets or troubles.
7. I Heart Blogging! (Oh! You know that. Uuuummm) How ‘bout…I cry at movies. No tears shed when my mom, dad, and two brothers died, but put beautiful, sweet music behind it and I would cry at a comedy festival.


So there you have it. Learn anything new? Shit that matters? Didn’t think so.

TTFN
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Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Living Will - I Have One For Ya

For many of us in the Autumn of our lives, we need to stop and consider (but not give into) the possibility that we could end up in a situation where we will not be able to make decisions for ourselves. Heart attack, stroke, caught by a jealous husband with a shotgun in his hand, you know, things. So it is wise for each of us to have a living will so that our desires and wishes are met and carried out the way we want them.

But how to make up a living will? No problem! Rest assured your purveyor of all things educational, medical and life improving - me - has found an example.


The ever wise Maxine has given us an example and one I will pass on to you for your consideration. Make sure you give a copy to your attorney, religious leader, the IRS and one to Obama as a trophy for the addition to the coffers your Inheritance (Death) Tax will provide.

My Living Will

I,_________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under not circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in running up the bills.

If a reasonable time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of Wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken Fried Steak
Cream Gravy
Sex
Mexican Food
Chocolate
French Fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice Cream
Cup of Tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be assumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let ’the fat lady sing,’ and call it a day.

Then go have a drink…It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

You're Welcome!
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Friday, July 09, 2010

Not To All Hunters

My Third Post of the Day.

I'm on a roll folks.

Note To All Hunters:
This is from a San Francisco newspaper


Peeps, just remember as you read this, this person probably drives & votes.

The Bellamy Brothers - Jalapenos

Two Post Today! I had to pass this one one, though.
Got it from my high school buddy, Larry Wayne Grady on FB.

More Than Just A Sex Object


I told you there is more to me than just a sex object...I'm a player, too.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

The Italian Wedding Test


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The Red Dot Explained - Again

I posted this back in February, 2009, but with our Muslim president, Husane Obama, and where he is leading us, I thought it important that we revisit this and try even more to understand more about our Indian friend’s traditions and mannerisms as Hinduism is soon to follow.



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. This is called a ‘Bindi’. However, it is not to be confused with the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter, Bindi.

Anydot, most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or a religious symbol, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, then he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

This is another service announcement brought to you by me in order to keep you informed and educated. It is part of my ongoing attempt to educate the world.

You’re welcome.

Sex At 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73!



I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67.
So it's not far to walk home afterwards!

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Only In Canada

Only in Canada would you see a sign like this!


(click on picture to bigger size it)

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Blind Cowboy, The Redhead and Tim Hawkins

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. “My name is Sally Collins - with two L's and " one I " .( No ! This is not the punch line ! )

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


Now enjoy a little Tim Hawkins

Monday, July 05, 2010

Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings


Damn!

Got befuddled acause of the holiday and fergot it be Monday.

Sorry!

So here tis:

About BBQ: if you go away clean you ain't eatin' it right.

Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?

She's faster than a striped assed ape.

That's LOWER then a mole's belly button on digging day!

He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.

He's the meanest SOB ever to shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

That's sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

If you can sleep with 'em, I can eat with 'em!

It's my Mother's fault. I was never like this 'till I was born.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I'm so horney I'd do a snake if it didn't have teeth!!!

Your mother's so stupid, she thinks cheerios are donut seeds!

I'm so mad I could spit! (only ladies say this)

He jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.

That guy is as Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint.

Your uglier than a burning up donkey in the middle of winter

We was fishin' on that lake, an' it come up a cloud an' the bottom dropped out!
(Interpretation: "We were fishing, and got caught in a downpour.")

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

Madder than a one legged woman at the IHOP. (I don’t know either)

I’m having more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

Boy you got about as much sense as god gave a goose.

The only thing that separates you from White Trash is your rich husband!

If it can't be cooked with bacon grease, it ain't worth fixin', let alone eatin'.

Faster than a cat can lick its ass.

Warped like a dogs hind leg.

Well Hell yes it's hard for him to understand 'cause he's always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!

Adam and Eve - The Muslim Version


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Sunday, July 04, 2010

Happy 4th of July


July 4th is my favorite holiday.

No presents, no church, no costumes!

No chocolate bunnies, no sappy greeting cards!

Just liquor and a trunk full of explosives.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Chaplin

My Best Buddy Is Gone


Kidney Cancer
Euthanized Tonight

He will be missed!