I'm back. Last Saturday I made myself disappear and now I have made myself reappear.
Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Thank you (taking a bow)
Now I’ll fill you in of some of what happened during my disappearing act on our vacation (without boring you to tears, I hope).
Our plan was to leave around 8:00 p.m. and drive all night to get to Miami where we were to spend Sunday night before boarding the ship on Monday. Then we noticed that Mater Bug (named after my grandkids - J-Man is now Mater) the awesome GPS told us we would be arriving at the Miami motel at 6:00 a.m. Since check-in is usually in the afternoon, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves till then, so we opted to get a motel on the way down, sleep in and drive the last 4 or 5 hours to Miami. It worked out great.
On Monday, we boarded the ship early and enjoyed her offerings until we set sail about 5:00 p.m. We were at sea all day on Tuesday, docking on the island of Roatan, Honorius on Wednesday. We spent the day on the Pirate Ship, Black Pearl, with Capt. Jack Sparrow and his crew sailing and learning about the island and her history. We arrived back in time to depart and sail the night away heading to Cozumel, Mexico.
There we went on a snorkeling excursion. The sea over the coral reef was a little choppy and this 66 year old man had a hard time keeping up. First, the gave is short fins used for snorkeling. Not the long fins that let you move swiftly through the water. So I was snorkeling my ass off when I looked up and the boat was around 300 miles away and the rest of the snorkelers were about 25 yards behind me. With the swells and the tide, I was having a difficult time getting back. Also the boat was now 350 miles on my left. WTF??? But I kept trying, rolled over on my back and used the legs to get me to them. I look around and every one is in another location. So I give the guide the ‘I need fucking help right now’ sign (tapping the top of your heard - I like to beat my brains out…)
He swims over and ask if I am okay. I tell him yes, I always flail my arms and drink mouthfuls’ of sea water when I snorkel. It adds to the experience. So he calls me a smart ass (in Spanish, I think that was what he said) and got me a ring to float on and stay with the others. I still enjoyed it. I saw a stingray, and fish swimming around my head and mask - I even touched one - and many fish on the bottom. It was great.
I made pictures of all of this to this point. Over 200 of them.
From the snorkeling we went to a cool beach and had a late lunch and beach time. Bug and Judy went riding in a paddle boat in the bay. Mater asked me to go with him, since he wasn’t eighteen, so I said okay. I put my camera in the pocket of my trunks, got on board and paddled out to about 12 feet of water - slip, plop, splash - my camera is now at the bottom of the bay looking back at me.
Twelve feet of moving ocean is not the easiest body of water to dive in, by the way. But by the time we recovered the camera, the batteries were hot as hell and the camera was ruined. The ‘stick’ is so corroded from the salt we couldn’t retrieve any of the pictures. I was sick. On Monday I will take it to a camera specialist and see if anything can be done.
But the rest of the trip, the whole week, was great. It was great to be a sea again. And the shows and food and Bloody-Mary’s were great. Beer was cold and the bread fresh, the people on the ship very fun. Bug, my very shy granddaughter, on her own, without any prompting from me, got up and sang an Karoki night, then did a duet with a new friend she made who is also 12 years old. I was so proud of her. And Mater latched on to a very active 8 year old boy and was his buddy the whole trip. He has a hear of gold and loves little people. I am a blessed man.
So we got in on Saturday morning and was on the road home by 10 a.m. We also decided to stay overnight at a motel on the way home, so we drove up to Ocala and stayed the night. The kiddies are home now and I am resting.
I missed you guys. I couldn’t get on the computer (I could if I paid $100 for the week and .45 cents a minute) so I am now just getting to read your stuff and all, but I think I am going to bed early tonight.
Tonight, my grandkids and I were sitting in the living room talking. I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out all my beer.
See the salty lady above? I will be climbing into her like an old lover on Monday afternoon.
Judy, the grandkids and I decided to spend Thanksgiving at sea this year. Not your traditional holiday, I know, but everyone is excited about it, so I guess it works.
We are driving down to Miami on Saturday night and will stay in a motel Sunday night and board her on Monday. Why you may ask? Because I fucking want to, that’s why.
That, and because the parking at the port is $20 a day and we will be gone 6 days. But if I stay at a motel for one night, I can leave my car there for the week free. Saving a fifty bucks works for me.
Anycruse, we will be heading down to Roatan, Honduras for a day of snorkeling and beach time, and then a day in Cozumel for an excursion on a pirate ship built like the one in Pirates of the Caribbean. All the deck hands and the Captain are in pirate garb. I look forward to the rapeing and pillaging on the Caribbean coast, too. The kids will get a special kick out of that, I’m sure.
I will be taking my laptop, but I’m not sure what kind of reception I’ll get, though the ship does have WIFI. We’ll see!
This is our first cruse in over 3 years. We use to take one every year, but got side tracked by being fucking poor the last few years. Not that we are any better off now, it’s just time we back into the salt air and gentle motion of a big assed ship.
I wish y’all could come with us. It would be a blast. But you can’t, so I’ll toast to y’all several times a day.
I’ll still be here until Saturday afternoon, so don’t get all teary eyed just yet. K?
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter, hoping to get back before she returned.
But wouldn‘t you know it, before I could get back, Judy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, though, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. I was warned not to laugh or she wouldn’t visit me in the hospital - where I was sure to end up if I so much as smiled.
So to break her free we both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this). Judy, being the trooper she is after 17 years of marriage to me, tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
He is now a patient in the hospital.
So, with all humor aside, I have found the perfect toilet (see below) and I want one. I want one bad. If I got one of these, I would also hang a flat screen plasma TV on the wall and put a camper refrigerator in the bathroom with it and never come out.
These two dogs saved about 50 troops from certain death when they attacked a terrorist loaded with explosive material. They were then saved and brought back from Afghanistan to live with two of the men they saved. One, Rufus, came to Sgt Duke here in Atlanta. The other dog, Target, went to a fellow soldier living in Arizona. Target was even on Oprah’s show.
Their story can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuKLwMoGkzM. I cannot post the video link to this as it is blocked. But if you cut and paste, you will see these little soldiers as the arrive in Atlanta.
Today one of my readers asked me to post this article.
I am hesitant to ask this of you, but my blog is new and I only have a few readers. Please consider publicizing this story on your blog.
This dog meant SO MUCH to hundreds of people. The last dog I cried for had been by my side for 9 years, but today I cried all the way home from work. Target's entire story can be found on the Puppy Rescue Mission Facebook page. Hundreds of people donated money, and dozens gave their time to bring her to the US, where she would be saved from a dog's pathetic existence in Afghanistan.
She was living with one of the soldiers whose lives she saved. She's now dead because of a stupid mistake.
It’s sad when we lose our hero’s after returning home, but when one as committed as Target is lost, it is doubly sad. I pray that the Sergeant and his family find peace very soon.
Yep! That's right, kids. Here I am in my usual motel in Winchester, VA, tired as hell, fresh out of the hot shower, some food in my tummy and trying to send you a post. But damn it is cold in this motel room. Too cold for nude blogging. I look like a flat chested girl. Let me get the heater on…
There, now! That’s better. Now I look like a flat chested man again. TMI???
Speaking of TMI, awhile back I had a request come pouring in wanting me to do another TMI post. Peeps, the TMI post were not my idea, but one from another blogger who wanted our post to be linked to hers. Several did, but I guess she got tired of it and stopped posting them. Anyway, I thought I would give it a try.
Back in the day before I graduated from college and became officially smart, and way before I received my MBA, making me officially smarterest, I made my living as a route salesman for the Atlanta Coca Cola Bottling Co. and a beer company selling Miller brand draft beer. One of the perks of these types of jobs is watching the cars go past you on the highway. Anyone who has driven a truck, from a pick up to an 18 wheeler (and I have driven all of them) can vouch for this. Back in the day, a girls legs were know a ‘seat covers.’ Short dresses, shorts, long dresses pulled up to show leg... Loved it!
Anyway, I've most often seen is women giving their men blow jobs while he is driving on down the road. Sometimes, he would slow down and let you watch her head going up and down like an NBA basketball.
I’ve even seen a woman giving her man and herself a hand job. She was looking up at me and smiling. I smile back and yelled, “Go, Go, Go…SSCCCOOORRRREEEDDD.” Once a car came by and she was giving him head while a couple was screwing in the back seat - in a convertible. And I have seen women with their blouses open playing with their tits almost as much as ssing the blow jobs.
Atlanta can be a fun place to work.
Anyperv, one day I was heading out I-20 in my Coke truck, with my helper, Clarence, riding with me. Clarence was a young kid who worked with me for over five years. I call him a kid though he was only two years younger than me. But I had just been discharged from the Navy and thought I was older than I really was. He wasn’t totally all there, either. (example: my older brother was a vice-president of the bottling company and Clarence wanted to know how much he made. I told him I didn’t know, but I would guess it was around $40,000 a year - a huge amount back in the 60’s - and he shook his head and said, “Uh uh! I couldn’t stand getting paid once a year.) What? Oh! Back to the TMI story.
This Cadillac come easing up next to me and stayed there. I looked down and there was this chubby man masturbating. I didn’t want to see this so I sped up. He did, too. I slower down. He did, too. I couldn’t change lanes because back then I-20 was two lanes with a grassy medium. So I just waited.
Clarence ask me what I was doing and I told him to look over here. He lean’ed across the seat and said, “SSHHHIIIITTTT! You like watching tha mo foker?”
I told him, “No! But this is going to be one pud-pounding he will never forget - if he lives through it.”
I waited until he was giving that throbbing thrill hammer the short and fast strokes and I jerked my steering wheel hard to the left and he went spinning into the grassy medium. I could see him in my side mirrors going round and round about three times (we were doing 70 mph at the time) before he came (no pun intended) to a stop. I guess it’s hard (again, no pun intended) to hold on to the steering wheel when your hand is wet and you are shooting all over the place.
Best Big O he ever had…I hope he broke the damn thing during the excitement. Clarence was bouncing up and down on the seat and laughing and yelling and just being Clarence. He said, “Man, you don’t fuck with Mr. Coffey”
I said, “Well, men don’t, that’s for sure.”
Enough TMI? Okay! Going to sleep now. See y’all later.
Thank you, peeps, for all you have said and done for the veterans out there. Whether they be part of your family, or friends, or people you have served with or are serving with now, may all your thanks and well wishes be well received. I personally know they are appreciated.
And I am sending my thanks to all you guys and gals, as well as the families of these awesome people, on this day of honor. You were there when duty called. Regardless of how and where your served, you put on the uniform, went through the training, put up with all the nit-shit military stuff, and made yourself a better, stronger person because of it.
I hope you get to enjoy some of the special stuff offered in most areas today. Free food, special discounts, free entries to some cool places and waling with pride because you served with your own ‘Band of Brothers.’ Oh! Sorry! And sisters, too.
Me? Not so much. I will be on the road today and tonight headed toward New York with some excited dogs who are looking forward to moving into a ‘forever home.’
Might do some nude blogging on Friday night. Maybe not. But y’all will be in my thoughts.
This is not a typical Veterans Day post. Y'all know I love and respect the dudes and dudetts who served and are serving, but this puts a different aspect to the day.
The late Mike Royko was an Air Force veteran of the Korean era and a Pulitzer Prize wining journalist out of Chicago.
Posted in Life in the Military, Why We Serve on November 8, 2010 By CJ Grisham
Matt, from Blackfive.net sent this to CJ and he wanted to share it. Matt also publishes it ever year on his site, so maybe we’ll also make it an annual tradition. It doesn’t get any more direct and to the point than this:
I just phoned six friends and asked them what they will be doing on Monday.
They all said the same thing: working.
There is something else we share. We are all military veterans.
And there is a third thing we have in common. We are not employees of the federal government, state government, county government, municipal government, the Postal Service, the courts, banks, or S & Ls, and we don’t teach school.
If we did, we would be among the many millions of people who will spend Monday goofing off.
Which is why it is about time Congress revised the ridiculous terms of Veterans Day as a national holiday.
The purpose of Veterans Day is to honor all veterans.
So how does this country honor them?…
…By letting the veterans, the majority of whom work in the private sector, spend the day at their jobs so they can pay taxes that permit millions of non-veterans to get paid for doing nothing.
As my friend Harry put it: “First I went through basic training. Then infantry school. Then I got on a crowded, stinking troop ship that took 23 days to get from San Francisco to Japan. We went through a storm that had 90 percent of the guys on the ship throwing up for a week.
“Then I rode a beat-up transport plane from Japan to Korea, and it almost went down in the drink. I think the pilot was drunk.
“When I got to Korea, I was lucky. The war ended seven months after I got there, and I didn’t kill anybody and nobody killed me.
“But it was still a miserable experience. Then when my tour was over, I got on another troop ship and it took 21 stinking days to cross the Pacific.
“When I got home on leave, one of the older guys at the neighborhood bar — he was a World War II vet — told me I was a —-head because we didn’t win, we only got a tie.
“So now on Veterans Day I get up in the morning and go down to the office and work.
“You know what my nephew does? He sleeps in. That’s because he works for the state.
“And do you know what he did during the Vietnam War? He ducked the draft by getting a job teaching at an inner-city school.
“Now, is that a raw deal or what?”
Of course that’s a raw deal. So I propose that the members of Congress revise Veterans Day to provide the following:
- All veterans — and only veterans — should have the day off from work. It doesn’t matter if they were combat heroes or stateside clerk-typists.
Anybody who went through basic training and was awakened before dawn by a red-neck drill sergeant who bellowed: “Drop your whatsis and grab your socks and fall out on the road,” is entitled.
- Those veterans who wish to march in parades, make speeches or listen to speeches can do so. But for those who don’t, all local gambling laws should be suspended for the day to permit vets to gather in taverns, pull a couple of tables together and spend the day playing poker, blackjack, craps, drinking and telling lewd lies about lewd experiences with lewd women. All bar prices should be rolled back to enlisted men’s club prices, Officers can pay the going rate, the stiffs.
- All anti-smoking laws will be suspended for Veterans Day. The same hold for all misdemeanor laws pertaining to disorderly conduct, non-felonious brawling, leering, gawking and any other gross and disgusting public behavior that does not harm another individual.
- It will be a treasonable offense for any spouse or live-in girlfriend (or boyfriend, if it applies) to utter the dreaded words: “What time will you be home tonight?”
- Anyone caught posing as a veteran will be required to eat a triple portion of chipped beef on toast, with Spam on the side, and spend the day watching a chaplain present a color-slide presentation on the horrors of VD.
- Regardless of how high his office, no politician who had the opportunity to serve in the military, but didn’t, will be allowed to make a patriotic speech, appear on TV, or poke his nose out of his office for the entire day. Any politician who defies this ban will be required to spend 12 hours wearing headphones and listening to tapes of President Clinton explaining his deferments.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women, she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Coffey,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Coffey, are listed below and are documented by our videosurveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And finally, Mrs. Coffey:
15. October 23: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
On November 10, 1775, Captain Samuel Nicholas formed two battalions of Continental Marines in Philadelphia as Naval Infantry. Since that time the mission of the Marine Corps has evolved along with the changing military doctrine and American foreign policy. And in that evolution the Corps has evolved into the greatest fighting, as well as peace keeping, force in the world.
The Marines have served with valor and distinction in every American armed conflict since then and have attained prominence with it’s theories and practices of amphibious warfare. They were the main force in the Pacific in WWII, fought with nothing but courage and determination in Korea and Vietnam. They have had a major presence in every conflict and stationed in every country where the threat of American aggression has been seen.
It’s ability to rapidly respond on short notice to any crises will make them the leader in the 21st Century and beyond. They will be the major force in upholding American policy in the world.
One of my favorite Marine quotes is from Gen. James Mattis to the local Iraqi leadership in his AO, "I come in peace, I did not bring artillery, but I plead with you, with tears in my eyes, if you fuck with me I will kill you all." Simple fact and truth!
Happy Birthday to all you Jarheads out there, from the ground pounding grunts to the zoomies of the air. Semper Fidelis!
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
As perfect a specimen as you believe I am, I do have days that are less healthy than others.
I went to bed early last night with a very soar throat and a softball between my eyes - behind my nose. However, with beaucoup drugs and twelve or so hours sleep, I do feel better this morning. So here is my Monday post (I can just hear the whistles and clapping and yelling all the way over here - Thanks, Peeps.)
Besides, this is an important post.
You have been given a shit-pot full of definitions to learn in the past few months, now it’s time to learn ya what manners are to us’en. Pay attention, now, and take notes. Ya never know when I might spring a pot quiz on ya.
So, without further ado (what is an ado anyway?):
(I got this pic from Google and the below did not come from Dr. Edstrom, Esq.)
(But ya might ought to read it cus it will help ya - and it might have pictures, too.)
* Redneck "Book of Manners" *
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
**** DINING OUT ****
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
**** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ****
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
**** PERSONAL HYGIENE ****
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
**** DATING (Outside the Family) ****
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
**** WEDDINGS ****
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
**** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ****
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
. I have to thank my highschool pal, Nancy, for sending me these. She is a devout Redneck, too. But she has all her toofies. She bought a whole new set last week. .
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Well now, lets see...
No Nude Women
No car races
No tailgate parties
No Wal Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No chocolate chip cookies
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
After more than 40 years, the Vietnam Veterans of the United States of America raised a phenomenal amount of money to memorialize another one of Hollywood’s loyal American citizens who went out of her way to aid and abet the enemy and congratulate them on their treatment of US POW's.
This memorial says it all!
I get teary-eyed and choked up when I see this.
They could never get away with this advertisement in the U.S. but in the United Kingdom and Ireland it is the most popular TV commercial playing. People call in to learn the schedules for showing this commercial.
It has come to my attention that there are some of you out there who know little about sex. I had one question come pouring in about the different types of sex we enjoy. Well, my mighty inquisitive reader, here is your answer with some examples thrown in to help you understand the types.
And if any of you highly experienced readers (in sex, not in reading) whish to add to this list, please feel free to do so in the comments section.
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home when it happens!"
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for “large”.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly."
There, now. I hope this clerifies things for you. You're welcome.
November 2, 2010, is time to get out and vote. There is no excuse, short of hospitalization or death, to not go to your poll and vote (unless you are in Chicago, then death is no reason for several people to vote in your place.)
It is time to clean the house in Washington and, for we Georgians, to keep the Obama/Pelosi Democrats from ruining our state.
I respect your vote for whom ever you wish…just do it. If you don’t, keep your mouth shut on issues until you do vote next time.
I have to be at the precinct at 6:00 a.m. and will work till 9:00 p.m. and I will be in the bed at 9:03. So I’ll see y’all on Wednesday. VOTE!
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"