Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Renault and Ford's Creation

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women...

They have joined the Clio and the Taurus...

Renault 'Clio'  

Ford 'Taurus'  

To form...

The Clitaurus'.  

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!  Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.  Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.  Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Seven Types of Sex

I got this from my sexy senior citizen down Florida way, Dana, who thought of me when you saw this.  But she didn’t say which kind she had in mind when she thought of me.

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Fuck you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.  When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Judy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.  I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable.  I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.  She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, Boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.  That way, she won't have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).  I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Judy.  I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, either.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, dudes, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 John is in the hospital in serious condition.  His wife, Judy, was arrested and charged with attempted murder for beating him with a broken broom handle.  The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Almost Back


Call off the search parties. 

Release the National Guard back to their units.
Pull in the helicopters.

I am back safe and sound.

Actually I haven’t been anywhere as far as being offline goes.  I have check in every night and some during the day.  I just haven’t had time to post anything and have only offered a comment or two on a few of your posts.

Why?  Well if you had been paying attention you would know we were moving during the Thanksgiving weekend.  And now I am able to happily report that, except for a few odd items at the old house, we are now Commerceanites or Commerceians.

And my new Waffle House, unfortunately, is the highest grossing store in the state.  It is packed at all hours of the day and does $2,000 or $3,000 PER SHIFT.  My old WH home was tickled to get $500 on a shift.  So they are too busy to get to know any of them like I did back home.  So I might as well get use to no more hugs and kisses when I enter.  For a while!  I’ll bring’em around eventually.  There is just too much hicky-bate material here to be ignored for too long.

I love it up here, though.  Very quiet and at night I can even see more than 10 stars.  The sky is full of them.  I stopped counting at 3,751,687 stars and an unlimited amount of planes lined up for the ATL airport (over a hundred miles away.)   I have seen deer and turkey and a pack of wild dogs.  Two of the houses on my road have horses and several on the road leading to my road have horses and cows.  Country folks!  And I love it.

I love our basement home, too.  Everything fits into place and is cozy.  Not all spread out like in the old home.  Though I never realized how many books I have.  Two hugh book shelves are full and there is still a box or two with more.  I think I am gonna go through them and donate the rest to the local library or school.  Anymove, as soon as I get a few things fixed with the land lines, we will be all set. 

Everything is right in my world.   UGA beat the honey out of the GA Tech Yellow Jackets, the Flacons are in the process of pillaging the Vikings and Tony Stewart won the NASCAR Championship.  Now jJust let me get a few more boxes unpacked and some stuff done at the old house and I will be back with more of my mind numbing material. 

And thanks for hanging in there.

You are my peeps!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Politically Incorrect Thanksgiving

This may be my last post before Thanksgiving because we will be packing and moving the next two days so I want to wish all my peeps and their friends and family a happy and calorie filled Thanksgiving and enjoy your couch and football games.

But I can't go without leaving you with some snarky, politically incorrect comments to carry you through the holiday.  Enjoy…or not…I don’t care!


A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead.  
The operator says, “How do you know?”  
He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.  
I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine... until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think it’s time to change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
And he says “What do you expect?  You're in a wheelchair!”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst.  
So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of their bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Insensitive! Who Me?

I’m feeling a little insensitive today so I thought I would throw out a few of my thoughts.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What’s the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
You made her chain too long.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

There, now.  I feel much better.

The Week Is Finally Here

Well, the week I have been looking forward to and dreading is finally here.   It looks like we will be moving from here:

to here:

My grand-kids and I will be going up to the new place on Monday to meet the phone installers and dish people.  We will also be doing the final cleaning and moving all the tools and extra equipment out and making room for the full move on Thanksgiving Day.  Our T day will be held at the Waffle House in our new community of Commerce, GA.   Yep, I have a whole new crew of servers to whip into shape so I can get my hugs and kisses when I do my ‘Norm’ entrance.

Also, I will be there when the installers arrive to hang the garage door.  My stepson, Steven, enclosed all the extra space and only needs the door installed to be finished with that part of the house.  Judy and I have some small stuff to do in our basement, but it can be done after we move in. 

But we won’t be able to just relax and enjoy the new digs, though.  We still have to touch up the old house and get it on the market (pray for a quick sale, thank you very much.)  That is a hundred mile one way trip.  Plus I am still working with David and his pending back surgery.  So I will be spending bookoo (the Southern translation of the French ‘beaucoup’ – but French is not allowed in this household) time and dollars on gas for the next few months.

And speaking of time on the road.  I have been contracted by the Cobb County Animal Control to make a transport run with 14 dogs and 4 cats to…get this…Minneapolis, MN.  The trip is scheduled for Dec 10th.  Pray for a heat wave up that way.  Eighteen hours one way is enough without adding in snow and ice.  My fingers are crossed.

That’s about it for today.  I’ll try to throw in some sexist, demeaning jokes tonight or tomorrow just so you will know I am around and thinking of ya.  Don’t know how much time I will have, but I will give it a shot.

Later, peeps.