Blond Men Jokes

This is to make blonde women feel better, right?

Well, it might if they understand them…

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.  Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd be in the bottom of the boat."

Okay! It’s slow here, Peeps.  I’m hurting for material.  I’ll try better next time. M’kay?

Obama Kerry the Fiscal Cliff

(American Traitor and Liar)

With the ‘Fiscal Cliff’ looming with no compromise evident, and the Speaker of the House, RINO John Boehner, having no support by the GOP and unable to reach a compromise with Heir Obama, we are doomed to higher taxes, more entitlement spending for the support of the useless, lazy, illegal aliens and American trash.  But the gubment will save some money by cutting 140,000 of our military and putting them in the unemployment line and adding to the increasing food stamp dependent category.   An addition not of their making, by the way.  

Their service in appreciated, though.  Our soon to be Secretary of State, Senator John Kerry (D-MA), expressed profound gratitude for the Army's commitment to service. 

“The US Army has tirelessly borne the brunt of war over the past decade,” said Kerry, “so if there’s anyone who has plenty of experience in the whole sacrifice department, it’s definitely them.”  Senator Kerry went on to thank the Army for its selfless service, but added, “It’s just, well, for 140,000 of you, your services are no longer required.”

Kerry was unavailable for further comment, as he was preparing to spend New Year’s Eve at his mansion in the Cayman Islands, on which he pays no taxes.

Not to worry, Troops. Our Socialist President, Heir Obama (speaking on closed circuit television to the soldiers of the 25^th Infantry Division who were bussed to the gate of his vacation mansion in Hawaii for the occasion (and whom He wouldn’t face in person for their presence is beneath him) said, “I’m sure that the coming summer of recovery will find you all with better paying civilian jobs than those you had in the US Army.  I expect to see unemployment dip below 6% this summer.  You may be the beneficiaries of 1 million shovel-ready jobs that this third round of trillion dollar stimulus will create.”

So the unemployment will dip below 6% by adding 140,000 more to the millions already out of work?  But the good news is he will add to his increasing food-stamp society that he and the Liberal Socialist are so proud of creating.

I’m sure you are as happy as I am about the failure of the GOP to stand up to Obama thus creating higher taxes, more entitlement spending, increased unemployment by booting more of America’s finest out the door, and also allowing the TRAITOR, John Kerry to tour the world expanding Obama’s agenda of apologizing and building up the Muslim Brotherhood.

We Are Fucked, Peeps!

I have to thank LL over at Virtual Mirage (on my side bar) for his research on most of this post.  Y’all should read his stuff…he has plenty of smarts.

The Simple Man

Men are such simple creatures!

Our last name stays put.
The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can be President.
We can never be pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
The world is our urinal.
We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental $100!
People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
We almost never have strap problems in public.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck. 
We can play with toys all our life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons!
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
We can 'do' our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


Yep! Being a man is so simple.

Christams 2012 - Without DIL

I was going to publish some pictures of our Christmas day, but my daughter-in-law told me, after I made the pictures, that she didn't want her picture posted on the web.  So here is all I can post.

Even now I cannot get out of wearing the Santa outfit...
Then my uploading went to hell and the rest are the best I could get.

We do not have a fireplace in the house so the TV turned into our fireplace.

And this is Jabba Hutt... uh...Granny Dot in her typical 'I'm so old and helpless' look.

And my beautiful daughter, Marni...

And my beautiful granddaughter, Jordan (Bug.)  I had to tickle her to get the 'I'm thirteen and way to cool for silly ass pictures with my grandpa' look off her face and make her smile.

All the other pictures had DIL in them and, well, ya knonw...

Merry Christmas - For Most of Us

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas today and you’re day will be all you wish it to be and more than you deserve.

But no so happy for the Jack Klugman and Charles Durning families.   Both are well know actors and WWII veterans who passed away yesterday, Dec. 24^th.

 

Klugman, who started acting after his discharge from the US Army appared in many movies and stared in several television shows, two of which were The Odd Couple and Quincy MD.

Durning was a true WWII hero.  According to Wikipedia, Durning served in the U.S. Army during World War II.  Drafted at age 21, he was first assigned as a rifleman with the 398th Infantry Regiment, and later served overseas with the 3^rd Army Support troops and the 386th Anti-aircraft Artillery (AAA) Battalion.  For his valor and the wounds he received during the war, Durning was awarded the Silver Star and three Purple Heart medals.

Durning participated in the Normandy Invasion of France on D-Day, June 6, 1944, and was among the first troops to land at Omaha Beach.  In Episode S03E09 of the program Dinner for Five, (which also included Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise and Charles Nelson Reilly), Reynolds spoke about Durning's service career for him, as Durning did not like to talk about it much.  Reynolds revealed that Durning was in a group of gliders who overshot their landing zone and that he had to fight alone all the way back to the beach.  Reynolds also stated that his own father was there fighting about 15 yards away and that Durning was probably the most decorated veteran (then) still alive from World War II.  Some sources state that he was with the 1st Infantry Division at the time, but it is unclear if he served as a rifleman or as a member of one of the division's artillery battalions.

Durning was wounded by a German “S” Mine on June 15, 1944 at Les Mare des Mares, France.  He was transported to the 24th Evacuation Hospital.  By June 17 he was back in England at the 217th General Hospital.  Although severely wounded by shrapnel in the left and right thighs, the right hand, the frontal region of the head, and the anterior left chest wall, Durning recovered quickly and was determined to be fit for duty on December 6, 1944.  He arrived back at the front in time to take part in the Battle of the Bulge, the German counter-offensive through the Ardennes Forest of Belgium and Luxembourg in December 1944.

(There is also a story that he was also captured during the Battle of the Bulge but escaped and was one of the survivors when the Germans halted the convoy of trucks carrying the POW’s in pretense of a rest stop.  They then began to machine gun the POW’s.  Durning was one of the few to escape.  He, along with a small group of men, made it back to US lines and rejoined the fight.)

After being wounded again, this time in the chest, Durning was repatriated to the United States.  He remained in Army hospitals to receive treatment for wounds until being discharged with the rank of Private First Class on January 30, 1946.

Though he rarely talkd about his service, on Veterans Day and Memorial Day celebrations in Washington, he did talk about them in the 3^rd person.  His description of D-Day and the bravery and devastation he witnessed could bring tears to the eyes.  It did his on several occasions.  He was such an amazing actor and an incredibly humble man.

Charles Durning was a true American Hero and, though I don’t know the details of his funeral, I believe he deserves to be buried with full honors in Arlington.

So say a prayer, or whatever you do for people on special occasions, for the families of these two men and don’t forget the guys and gals serving today.  They are sacrificing their family Christmas so that we can enjoy ours.

Eat hardy, My Peeps!