Thursday, October 10, 2013

Inappropriate Humor in 3-2-1…

The wife's back on the warpath again.  Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn't know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!".  As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason." 
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!" 
Husband - "Okay, Fine!  We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button.  But on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.  I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money.  Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.  She's such a sweetie, I said yes.  Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.  Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton  less than 50 steps from our table.  She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.  Now I'm in her room.... clothes are flying..... the talking stopped.... and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.  It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30.  I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth.... you got it."  
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?”

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.  
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it up your ass but NOOOO, you said that might hurt!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.       
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out.

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy... not a fucking photo-copier."

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why, hun?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."  

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. I mean, is she a pervert or what?

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

Okay, Peeps, I hope you found at least one of these funny.   I found them all to be fucking hilarious.


Tewshooz said...

You made my day today. Still laughing!!

lotta joy said...

Joe muted the football game while I read these to him.

We've been laughing so hard I started snorting, which gave me the hiccups, which cause me to start choking.

While I was bent over to hack up the phlegm, Joe realized I wouldn't notice him sneaking up from behind.....

thanks a lot.

Coffeypot said...

Tewshooz, welcome and gald you got a chuckle or two.

LJ, your welcome. I just hope Joe's aim was accurate while you were bent over.

Momma Fargo said...

Haha! Love it. Thank you for making me pee my pants at my desk. So proud. LMAO