Wednesday, October 23, 2013

ONE-LINER QUESTIONS THAT KEEPS ME AWAKE AT NIGH:














Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we park on a driveway & drive on a parkway?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Now, do you have any?

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Art Of Rock Balancing



Michael Grab is an artist that has been 'rock balancing' since 2008.  Much of his recent work has been done around the Boulder, Colorado area.  Grab---yes, that's his real name---finds the process both spiritual and therapeutic.

Grab explains:


"The most fundamental element of balancing in a physical sense is finding some kind of 'tripod' for the rock to stand on.  Every rock is covered in a variety of tiny to large indentations that can act as a tripod for the rock to stand upright, or in most orientations you can think of with other rocks.  By paying close attention to the feeling of the rocks, you will start to feel even the smallest clicks as the notches of the rocks in contact are moving over one another.

“Parallel to the physical element of finding tripods, the most fundamental non-physical element is harder to explain through words.  In a nutshell, I am referring to meditation, or finding a zero point or silence within yourself.

“Some balances can apply significant pressure on your mind and your patience.  The challenge is overcoming any doubt that may arise."

The author of this email goes on to state, “I was skeptical when first viewing these.  But, I've seen the work of other 'balancing' artists, including outdoor installations by Andy Goldsworthy, subject of the 2001 documentary film, Rivers and Tides.  As hard as it is to believe these examples photographed below are configured without support other than the rocks themselves, this is the case.”




























Cool, huh?  But you know me, Peeps.  I am skeptical (though I was raised Baptist).   I see this and two words pop into mind… Super Glue!  

 Why?  Because what do I know about art and physics and laws of nature and balance and, well, anything?
 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Barney Stinson On Similarities Between Girls and Fish














24 Similarities Between Girls and Fish
According To Barney Stinson

1. Both are attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Neither travel well
4. There are others in the sea and/or bar
5. Three word: catch and release
6. Both travel in protective groups
7. Small bladders
8. The deeper you go, the scarier they get
9. Their weight largely determines their value
10. EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one… hint: crabs
11. They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail
12. Bears will eat either of them
13. Sometimes I likes’em wild, sometimes I likes’em farm-raised
14. You must document great catches or no one will believe you – video preferred
15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
16. Seen the movie Splash?  Case closed
17. Cold blooded.
18. Neither can operate a vehicle
19. They both eat things
20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they’ll go in life
21. Scales are important to each of them
22. They never have to buy drinks
23. Umm… Eggs? Duh
24. Can hook either with a great line

And like Sushi, they are good to eat raw... Coffeyism!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Inappropriate Humor in 3-2-1…




















The wife's back on the warpath again.  Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn't know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!".  As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason." 
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!" 
Husband - "Okay, Fine!  We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button.  But on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.  I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money.  Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.  She's such a sweetie, I said yes.  Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.  Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton  less than 50 steps from our table.  She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.  Now I'm in her room.... clothes are flying..... the talking stopped.... and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.  It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30.  I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth.... you got it."  
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?”

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.  
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it up your ass but NOOOO, you said that might hurt!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.       
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out.

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy... not a fucking photo-copier."

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why, hun?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."  

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. I mean, is she a pervert or what?

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!


Okay, Peeps, I hope you found at least one of these funny.   I found them all to be fucking hilarious.