Coffeypot

How Much?

2012-01-31T12:18:00.000-05:00

The other day I was talking with an old pal and a question came up.

Let me explain.

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON, I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."

"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?" My pal asked.

"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

The Eyes Tell It All

2012-01-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I am not a very religious man. I do have my relations with God and I am comfortable about that, but I hate organized religion. There is so much hate and bigotry in the church that I cannot stand to be around ‘those people.’

But I was raised in a good Baptist Church and most of the kids I grew up with are respected members of that church today. Deacons, organist and piano accompanists as well as active members in the old community are the same ones I grew up with. Not me! For some reason I felt excluded from the masses when I came home from the Navy and never really fit in again. Mostly of my making, I now realize, but still was real at the time.

So I do not go to church. Judy is Catholic, but does not attend services either. However sometimes I get a little nostalgic and want to visit the old church. So on Sunday I moseyed on down for a visit. Judy didn’t go because she’s Catholic, ya know.

When I came home I was sporting, not one, but two black eyes. She was very upset and wanted to know what happened. It wasn’t much I assured her. I was just trying to be helpful.

Ya see, we were sitting in the pews and were told to stand to sing a song. I noticed old fat Mrs. Snobbyass, in the pew in front of me, had her dress stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached over and pulled it out. She gave a whelp, turned and punched me in the eye. Judy said she didn’t blame her, but wanted to know how I got the other one blackened.

I told her I was so upset and embarrassed for what I did, but figured she wanted her dress that way, so I put it back.

The right eye should be opening in a day or two.

The Outhouse

2012-01-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! Ya need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "Ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Ya there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with da outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain'ta stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

Now that thar is ‘bout as mean a thing to do as throwing a sack full of puppies in the river.

A Kid Has The Answer

2012-01-27T13:06:00.000-05:00

A little boy got on the bus and set next to a man reading a book and noticed the man had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked him why he had his collar on backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father…’

The little boy said, ‘My dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and said, ‘I am a Father of many.’

The boy said, ‘My dad is the father of 4 boys and 4 girls and 2 grand-kids and he still doesn’t wear his collar backward.’

The priest, getting impatient, said, ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.’

We've Lost Another Hero

2012-01-25T17:46:00.001-05:00

Channel 2 TV reported Senior Police Officer Gail Thomas, 46 and 15 year veteran, was killed Tuesday night by an alleged drunk driver while assisting another officer working a wreck near the Downtown Connector.

A Zone 5 officer arrived at 11 p.m. to handle a single car accident on the ramp to I-85 north from I-75 south. The officer called for additional units to assist with traffic control while the investigation was conducted.

Officer Thomas was the second officer to arrive. Shortly after exiting her vehicle, she was struck by an oncoming vehicle.

Officer Thomas had just started her watch when she was killed.

Police have charged the driver, Ms. Chasity Jones, of Stone Mountain, with first-degree vehicular homicide, driving under the influence and reckless driving.

The 22-year-old blew a .16 on the scene and refused consent for a state administered blood alcohol reading.

It’s sad, Peeps. We have lose another hero to drunk driving.

So senseless!!!

Why

2012-01-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that indestructible stuff used to make the black box?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is Congress the opposite of Progress (since con is the opposite of pro)?

Why do they call the airport ‘The Terminal’ if flying is so safe?

Biker Bar

2012-01-22T15:04:00.000-05:00

I stopped at your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.

I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it. Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...

There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

Funny Sayings To Start The Weekend

2012-01-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

Hey Peeps, how about some humor to start the weekend. Okay? Great! And if you find any, let me know so I can enjoy them, too.

Anyjoke, I did find these little tidbits about life and marriage and stuff. I think we all have had similar thoughts at one time or the other.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’

I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He`s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much additional can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

I always wanted to have someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life I’ve changed my mind.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.

Divorce: The past tense of marriage.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

Lets Make A Tequila Christmas Cake

2012-01-18T13:54:00.000-05:00

I was looking through some recipes Judy has in a box over the counter. I found this one and it sounds like it will make a great cake, especially for next Christmas.

But I not only want to share it with you, my peeps, but I will cook my own cake (I know…alert the media and the fire department.) So I’ll wait a few minutes while you gather the items you will need. They are:

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

(crickets, crickets, read War and Peace, waiting, waiting…)

Okay! Got all the ingredients? Good! Now let’s start…

Sample the tequila to check quality. This is important for the proper taste.

Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK and has not gone flat.

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the
cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360s and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mristmas!

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Screwed Again

2012-01-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

This is our neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street and I can see her house from our living room.

So I was watching when she got home from work this evening. But I was surprised when she walked across the street and up our driveway.

She knocked on our door and I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight. You know, get drunk and screw all night long, that sort of thing! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Hell no! I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

DESTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS

2012-01-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

To those of you who are nitpickers about the meaning of worlds, there is a definite distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts and Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

Let me explain:

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by the wife with a broom and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say, “You’re next, chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

2012-01-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes sitting around in my retirement I get to wondering about things. And I found out that there as so many more questions than I have answers.

And I'm sure you have some of your own, so add them to the list in the comments. I mean, it's not like I don't have enough to think about as it is.

So here goes:

Why does Hawaii have an interstate parkway?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

And finally, how come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

FRIGGATRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA

2012-01-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Beware of FRIGGATRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA

FRIGGA – The name of the Norse Goddess for whom ‘Friday’ is named.

TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA – Fear of the number ‘Thirteen.’

BULLSHIT – A Coffeyism used to voice an opinion for any Phobias.

Play With Yourself

2012-01-12T18:08:00.000-05:00

When you can no longer use it for lust,
you might as well use it for fun...
a whole new meaning for playing with yourself.

Understanding Engineers

2012-01-12T12:44:00.001-05:00

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

(Click To BIGGER Size It)

Useless Knowledge - Again

2012-01-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

In keeping up with my efforts to educate and enlighten you as well as rounding out your knowledge base, I find it useful to know a bit of useless and trivial information. So today's lessons are centered around…uh…stuff.

Let’s start off with New Years. January 1^st officially became New Year’s Day in the Western world in 1582, when Pope Gregory XIII adopted the Gregorian calendar. Before that the New Year usually began in March.

The tradition of making New Year’s resolutions dates back to ancient Babylon. Back then, they didn’t give a shit about losing weight, but, instead, resolved to return borrowed farm equipment.

Now let’s look at some necessary (???) studies. Food scientist at Leeds University in England tested cooking temperatures and ingredients in order to determine the formula for the perfect bacon sandwich. Their findings? Thin, crunchy bacon works best. Now wasn’t that worth a grant from the government? Any Waffle House could have told them the same thing.

Also from England (a research mecca it seems) a study concluded that sword swallower's were at high risk for sore throats and internal bleeding…especially if they were distracted while swallowing the swords. I also suspect that you would find the same or similar problems if the swallower wasn’t concentrating enough and took a bow before removing the sword.

And a Princeton psychologist argued that short, simple words make writers seem smarter than long words do. The ironic name of the study? “Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity.”

Finally, 1 in 200 kids is a vegetarian. The other 199 are obese McDonald lovers.

Chuck Berry has a degree from Beauty School.

Astronauts do not snore in space. Maybe that’s why Judy threatens to send me to the moon.

Ever hear of someone On The Lam? Yeah, me, too. The origin comes from the 1500’s where lam meant “to beat soundly.” It was derived from the Norse word lamja, which meant “to make lame.” By the 1800’s the meaning morphed to become slang for running away (especially from the police.) Literally, beating one’s shoes against the ground as in running.

Flamingo’s build their nests with mouthfuls of mud.

I will wind up today's lessons by talking about pigs…not the one’s I met in bars late at night, but the real porker types who live in sty’s.

Pig squeals have been recorded as loud as 130 decibels, only 10 decibels lower than a supersonic jet taking off.

I CANNOT sweat like a pig because pigs do not have sweat glands. They keep cool by staying in the shade or, only occasionally, rolling in mud.

And according to behavioral scientist, the pig is the smartest farm animal and one of the smartest on Earth after humans, primates, whales, dolphins, and elephants, but ahead of Democrats.

That’s if for today, Peeps. Now go forth and show people how fucking boring you can be by passing this shit along.

You’re welcome!

Artist With Too Much Time On Their Hands

2012-01-09T22:11:00.002-05:00

Fruit with life experience

Zombies are nuts about brains

Modest pear

Literary interpretations

Paper training our little dog, Frank.

Always Pray For Ice Cream.

2012-01-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

A Real Tear Jerker!

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

”Really?” my grand-son asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you crabby old bitch!“

(sob, sob)