Redneck Monday - Goofie Sayings

Here are a few more sayings us good old boys (and some gals) like to say during the course of a conversation. I know, I know, they are great and you can use them anytime you need to make a cool statement or put an emphases to your yammering.

No thanks you’s are necessary either. It is my pleasure and my aim to keep you educated.


That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.

That’s slicker than greased goose shit.

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slicker than a minnow’s dick.

Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat shit on linoleum.

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles fucking in molasses.

His pants were so tight, if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken shit on the pump handle.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my ass in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

That's as hard to do as trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doorknob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for a night with him.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

It was hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

Let's make like a cow turd and hit the trail.

If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.

Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

It's hotter than two hamsters fucking in a wool sock.

If I had a swing like that I would ride it every night.

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.

That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

I thought we were tighter than midget pussy.

His dick was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.