Visit A Pal and A Fathers Birthday Gift

I was visiting one of my favorite reads yesterday, the lovely Minute Mans Wife and I was laughing at her post on the most inappropriate times for women to fart.  Oh yes you do, ladies.  I’ve heard you.  Just last night I heard Judy in the bathroom let one rip. It sounded like a huge male bullfrog bellowing it’s mating call.  It was awesome…but don’t tell her I told you.  She is shy about stuff like that.

On the other hand, if you ladies wanna know when it’s best not to fart, give her a read.  Drop on over and give her some love.  She’s been kinda down lately and could use some virtual hugs…and your opinions on women farting.

But I digress.

Her post remained me of one of my favorite jokes.


This good ole boy’s son had just turned sixteen years old and for his birthday present he took him across the tracks to the whorehouse. He figured it was time his son became a man.

So they walked into the house and met the madam. The daddy told her, “I give you a boy, give me back a man.”

The madam, having had this happen quiet often, knew what to do. She called Ethel and told her to be gentle with the boy.

Nodding, Ethel takes him back to the room and ask him what he would like.  She said, “Honey, I can give you anything you want. Missionary, Doggie, Around the World, Anal, 69, what ever you want.”

He told her he didn’t know and ask what she advised.  She said, “Sweetie, I am good at anything you desire.  So choose one.  I recommend Missionary, Doggie, 69...”

The boy interrupted, “69! That sounds interesting. Give me some of that, please.”

So they get in the required positions and start to work on each other.  All of a sudden, the lady farted.  She paused and said, “Excuse me.”  But the boy kept on doing his thang.  So she went back to her bidness.

Suddenly she farted again, and again she stopped and said, “Excuse me again, honey.”  Though the boy said nothing, but he did slow down a little, so she asked him if he was okay.

The boy looked down at her and said, “Ma’am, what you are doing to me down there is the best feelings I had in my life. Simply wonderful! And I wouldn’t wont to hurt your feelings for anything in this world, but I can’t take 67 more of those.”

Brave Men Jokes

Yes! I am a man without fear...

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Told ya! I am brave...because you can't reach me. HAHAHAHAHA
.

Welcome Home Vietnam Veterans Day - 30 March, 2011

Thanks and Welcome Home Guys

Welcome Home Vietnam Veterans Day from Dave Perkins on Vimeo.

Today, 30 March, is officially Welcome Home Vietnam Vets Day so I want to say ‘Thanks and Welcome Home’ Charlie, Chris, Dennis, Butch, Jimmy, James, Larry Wayne, Marlin, Ronnie, Billy, Mike, and all the other West Fulton High boys who made the trip. You are better men for it.
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE - Thank God

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, 'Why do you now seem so happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.'

Moral of the story...no matter what language you speak or where you go -

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN!

And that is true here in the coffeypot, especially.  I think I mentioned that I have taken over the responsibility of my Navy Association’s newsletter.  So at some considerable expense and three days of busting my ass trying to build something in MS Publisher, I was ready to put a hammer through the screen.  Judy called and noticed from my voice I was upset and ask what the problem was.  After unloading three days of frustration, she said she would help me out when she got home from work (never saying that I never ask her for help or rubbing it in that I am hard-headed.)

She came in, we set down and started building the first page.  She showed me stuff and left me to my own project.  Peeps, she has never worked in Publisher before.

I know I’m getting old, and some things are like ‘the blinking clock on the recorder’ to me, but this program was whoopin’ my ass.  It seems that ADHD gets worse with old age.  You have heard the old saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees"?  Well, that's what it was like.  I could see the controls at the top, but not the buttons I needed.  What ever happend to my common sense?  The more I missed them, the more frustated I became.

I’m just one of those lucky guys who has a wife who works wonders.

I think I’ll keep her...if she chooses to stay around.
.

Beautiful Minds: Stephen Wiltshire

The brain is an amazing instrument. What if you could spread that genius over all parts of your being. Y’all would be as smart as me…

Vanity Gets You Nowhere

Young Love

Little Johnny and Judy are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Judy's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Judy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10, where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Judy's room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Judy."

Again, Anthony instantly replies, "Our allowance!  Judy makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Johnny has put so much thought into this.

"Well Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question.  What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
.

Garden of Eden and The Creation

(Is Satan saying, “Go ahead, he won’t cum in your mouth.”?)


First, the Lord made man
In the Garden of Eden.
Then He said to himself,
“There’s something he’s needing.”

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
Kept messing around 'till He created a girl.

God named the creation ‘Woman’ and gave her…

Two beautiful legs,
So long and so tender.
A beautiful waist
So trim and so slender.

Two lovely hips
To increase his desire,
Round and firm
To bring out the fire.

Two lovely breast,
So full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes
As she whips them around.

Two lovely arms
Just waiting to hold you.
Two loving hands
To sooth and caress, too.

Soft cascading hair
Hung down over her shoulder,
With two dreamy eyes
To make him grow bolder.

Two beautiful lips,
So warm and inviting.
God knew that the man
Would find them exciting.

She was made for a man
To make his heart sing.
The He added vocal chords
And ruined the whole damn thing...

An Eye Roller - Sorry

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai" 
(drum roll and cymbal slap)

I'm Back For Now...Kinda

I have only been around sporadically for the last few days. I loaded MS Office Professional on my computers because I will need Access and Publisher and, as it is with any uploads or changes made to a computer, it fucked up so many other things. But then that is the Coffey Law. I would be satisfied with Murphy’s Law because it is so much tamer than Coffey Law.

Anyways, I’m back now…for a while. Being the Director of Communications for my Navy Association, I have to publish the newsletter, a job I inherited at gun point at our last reunion. The most difficult part is publishing something I write without using Fuck, or Goddamn or shit like that. Trying times, peeps.

Also I have been reading a few post were some relationships are not going as peach as one would like. I hate it, too. I don’t like to see y’all in stressful situations. But it happens in relationships. So I am reposting a couple of videos (that you have probably seen before) just to show you how different we are.




And



If life could only be that simple and funny.

Seal Plastic Bags with Old Bottle Caps

I am a genius, a genius I tell ya.

Not many people can come up with an idea like this.

To be able to find something this neat in an email, then cut and past it to a blog takes talent, energy and foresight.   But I do it all for you, my peeps.

Anything to make your life easier is one of my commitments - because I care.

WHO EVER THOUGHT OF THIS SHOULD GET A GREEN MEDAL
(Not me, though…I should get a black medal instead - black for ink, ya know)

WHAT A GREAT IDEA. NO MORE TWIST TIES OR RUBBER BANDS.

This method is WATER PROOF AND AIR TIGHT.

Cut up a disposable water bottle and keep the neck and top as in this photo.



Insert the plastic bag through the neck and screw the top to seal.



The bag is made to be air-tight and waterproff.

The secret (for those of you who are less mechanically inclined) lies with the top and screw cap!

Genius!

Zip-top bags are great, but sometimes you buy something in bulk and you're stuck with a bag that cannot be sealed.

Fear no more…I have come to your rescue with this posting of an email.

Your welcome!!!
.

Confucius - Sayings He Would Use Today

Confucius is given credit for many quotes, mostly centered around human behavior and growth. Some of these quotes are even relevant in our current society. But what if he were walking among us today. Perhaps these are some quotes he would pass on to us, his Little Grasshoppers.


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Hole happy, whole body happy.

He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

Elevator smell different to midget.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

And those who quote me are fools.

I’m just saying…
.

Why I Quit Drinking...This Time...

Awhile back, after another late night outing with my drinking buddy, Ed, I staggered home.  I made it through the garage door into the kitchen and stopped to take my shoes of to avoid waking Judy.

I then tiptoed as quietly as I could toward the stairs heading toward the bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  I caught himself by grabbing the banister, but my body swung around and I landed heavily on my ass.  The two full beer bottles in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, though, I sprang up, pulled down my pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that my butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. Shit!

So I tiptoed to the downstairs bathroom and managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids.  I began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place I saw blood leaking.

I then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled my way to bed.

In the morning, I woke up with a searing pain in both my head and my butt.  But I knew it was gonna get worse because Judy was standing there staring at me with ‘the stink eye.’

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Putting on my best ‘I don’t know what in the hell you are talking about’ face I said, 'Why in the world would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Judy said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes and your beer breath, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Damn!
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Sex By Color

I was listening to the radio awhile back and it was all about how your color preferences are said to be indicative of your sexual personality.

It seemed like a pretty thin premise to me, but you never know what these research types can come up with. So I gave it a try. It was pretty right on for me.

To see what your choice says about your sexual preferences, follow the directions below. Be honest now, Peeps. Pick your color and hold on to it. Then let me know in the comments what you chose…if you have the guts.

First, pick a color choice from:
Red
Yellow
Pink
Purple
Black
Green
Orange
Brown
Gray
Blue
White

OK! Now find your color on the scale below.

Does it accurately describe your sexual personality?

Drop me a line... and lemme know, ok? (Hey- you know, I'm a curious guy!)

COLOR GUIDE

Red: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

Yellow: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

Pink: Pink Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg

Purple: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

Black: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

Green: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

Orange: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

Brown: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

Gray: The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

Blue : Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

White: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

So???? Is it correct?

Stuff You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know

Okay, Peeps! It’s been way to long since I’ve posted an educational post. You remember I do these to make you mo smartest than the average bear. So you can be smart like me. So you can have a decent conversation with any idiot you happen to run into, like your boss. So you can be a better Trivial Pursuit player. But mainly because you have some time to kill or you wouldn’t be reading this damn thing.

From past postings, emails and comments, I know that some of these are not entirely true, but it’s up to you to prove them wrong. I don’t care. I’m just the teacher, the instructor, the purveyor of information. It’s like the Liberal educational system in this country. Just teach what you are told to do by the BOE and forget the truth. (I know there are some awesome, dedicated teachers out there. I read some of their post. But the Teachers Union forces the schools systems to keep the useless, bigoted, and uneducated ones on staff.) Do with it what ever you feel like doing with it when you do it.

*****
Stuff You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know

* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

* Coca-Cola was originally green.

* The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

* The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

* The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

* The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

* The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

* The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

* The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monument.

* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
  Spades - King David
  Hearts - Charlemagne
  Clubs -Alexander, the Great
  Diamonds - Julius Caesar

* 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 (that should help you balance you check book)

* If a statue in the park of a person on a horse with both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
  If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

* Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature, Thomas McKean, wasn't added until 5 years later in 1781.

* Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace.

* Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession

* If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? One thousand

* What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? All were invented by women. (as well as all babies)

* What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey (and Twinkies)

* Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? Father's Day

* In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making t he bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, 'Goodnight, sleep tight.'

* It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

* In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase, 'Mind your P's and Q's'

* Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Now go forth and be smart! (You make me so proud)

I Agree

I have so many un-Christian like thoughts and feelings for those Westborough Ass-Whipes

Who Ate The Cat Treats

I stole this from my hot lady friend, Rose.  She likes our critter friends, too.

Lloyd Oliver, Among Last of Original Code Talkers



A WWII Heroe died today and there is nothing in the media about the loss of this great man.

Below is the link to AZCentral news obit.

Lloyd Oliver, among last of original Code Talkers, dies at 87

RIP, Mr Oliver. Well Done, SIR!

Jet In A Corn Field

Fighter jet in a cornfield...1970.

While assigned to the 71st FIS at Malmstrom AFB, Montana, its pilot ejected during an in-flight emergency.

The pilot somehow got himself into a flat spin -- considered generally unrecoverable in an F-106 (id this jet's number is 58-0787) so he did what the flight handbook said to do -- get out of it, i.e., EJECT.

After the pilot did just that, 58-0787 recovered itself from this "unrecoverable" situation.  In a vain attempt to break the spin, the pilot had lowered half flaps, rolled in takeoff trim, and throttled the engine back to an approach power setting.

After the ejection, the aircraft recovered from the spin on its own, and established a wings level low rate descent under reduced power to the ground.  Ground effect broke its rate of descent, and it settled into a near-perfect gentle belly landing in a farmer's snow-covered cornfield.

When the local sheriff came upon the scene, the engine was still running.  The aircraft was situated on a slight incline, and was creeping forward slowly under the thrust of its still-running engine, as the snow compressed to ice under it.  Concerned about where it might be headed, the sheriff didn't think he could wait for the recovery team to get there from Malstrom which was about 50 miles away; so he got himself connected to the aircraft's squadron for engine shut down instructions before he entered the cockpit to secure the engine.




The attached photos show pretty much what the sheriff beheld on that fateful day.  A depot team from McClellan AFB recovered the aircraft and it was eventually returned to service.  When the 71st FIS was disbanded in 1971, aircraft 58-0787, now famously known as the “Cornfield Bomber," was transferred to the 49th FIS, where it finished out its operational service life.

Pilots of the 49th FIS would occasionally run into ex-71st FIS guys at William Tell (US Air Force World Wide Weapons Meet as it is known) and rag them unmercifully about the "emergency" so dire that the plane landed itself.

Aircraft 58-0787 is now on permanent display in its 49th FIS markings at the USAF Museum at Wright Patterson AFB , where its story is told in the exhibit.

While the 49th FIS Eagle jocks are reportedly glad to see their squadron immortalized in this way for millions to see, they would prefer to see it made more clear that it was the 71st, and not one of theirs, who jumped out of this perfectly good aircraft.



This Is Further Indication That The Air Force Has A PERFECT Record…

They Have Never Left One UP THERE.

Really Stupid Newspaper Reports

               Did we elect these people??


 Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.





   Now I'm saying that's one GREAT paint job.





        'We had no idea anyone was buried there.'


               I didn't know we could choose.





                        This one says it all.


      Please, anyone, if you've seen this man.


            Now what are the odds of that?


        I would have guessed after age 19.


               Ok, that's just mean!


"Life's tough...It's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne

.

Flossing

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA (breath) HAHHAHAHAHAHA

Thursday Trio

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door." 



I picked up a dyslexic woman in a bar the other night and took her home. After telling her what I wanted her to do - she ended up cooking my sock!





The following are (supposedly) replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.  She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.  I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.  If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?  Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child "A".  If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?  Child "B" who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.  Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave. mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

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An Irish Ditty

Ow 'bout a lil Irish ditty fer ya this bonnie day...



Star Of The County Down
by Orthodox Celts

Wear the Green today and:

May ya be in Heaven and hour afore the Devil knows y're gone.

St Patrick's Day 2011

March 17 is the day of days for us Irish. People around the world (everywhere except Ireland it seems) is guzzling green beer, dying their river green and wearing of the green. It is a green day. And we are listening to Irish ballads and drunkenly trying to do the River Dance. Well, they are. I’m at the Waffle House getting my hugs from my gals.


Here is my outfit…all dressed up for the festivities.
The button hanging from my belt buckle says, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”
(Missletoe doesn't work either - yet)
Ya never know. It might work one day.

The rest is some Irish humor brought you to from my main gal (next to Betty White) Maxine.

Erin Go Baugh, peeps!



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 

Oh! And if you are not Irish, it's okay to pretend to be.  After all, you pretend to be good at Christmas.
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Fear The Nose

A Future Horror Movie Fanatic In The Making...

Hump Day Humor

Hump day! Two down and two to go - for most of you. So here’s a few jokes that might make you smile enough to get through the week without giving one of your coworkers or boss a neck chop.

This guy in a bar notices a woman who comes in on a fairly regular basis, always alone.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
***

THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
***

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.

She met a nice man who said he would give her work and pay her $100. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done.

"Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied.

Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply.

"Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
***

A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."
***

Hope these gave you a smile to get you through the week.
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So, What's The Problem

This is what happens when a man helps with a Valentine Cookie Baking Project!



What's the problem?

You'll Never Leave Harland Alive

This is a sad, yet beautiful song by Patty Loveless.



Dem hill people o Kentucky and Tennessee are some though folk, fo sho.
Enjoy!

Climimb Every Mountain, Search High And Low...

Mountain Trail in Spain

The entrances for this trail are closed but not policed. It was built in the 1920's for hydro workers. There is no rail but there is a chain to hold onto but it doesn't hold much weight and several people have fallen to their deaths.

This is an amazing walk! This should have you on the edge of your seat possibly feeling slightly dizzy.

It's 6 minutes long and should be watched till the very end.

To intensify the experience, click on the full screen button (middle button that looks like four arrows on the lower right hand side of the screen when the player comes up). It's enough to make you nauseous especially when you consider that it was filmed by someone who made the hike carrying a video camera while he did it.




And why would anyone even consider doing something like this? 

Simple, peeps! 

There's a Waffle House at the end of the trail.
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What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor

This is more in line for me back in the day.



This song has had so many virses added, and some are very good. 

If you know any, post them in the comments.

Thanks, Peeps!

A Little Scotish Humor For A Saturday

A little Saturday Humor...and I know how the Scotsman feels.

The Eagle

An amazing tidbit about the Eagle's eyesight: The eagle can probably identify a rabbit moving almost a mile away. That means that an eagle flying at an altitude of 1000 feet over open country could spot prey over an area of almost 3 square miles from a fixed position.

No wonder we want to spread our wings and soar with the eagles.

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens; not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life.

A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

When it rains, most birds head for shelter; the eagle is the only bird that, in order to avoid the rain, starts flying above the cloud.......


Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the LORD
Will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint
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