It Must Be Difficult For A Court Reporter To Keep a Straight Face

The below are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, by Charles M. Sevilla, and are things people actually said in court; taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

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ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:  I forget...
ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:  We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:  We do.
ATTORNEY:   You do?
WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:  He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:  Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:  Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.   Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:  By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:  All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral...
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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Are you qualified to ask that question?

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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.