Man Humor

(He masturbates a lot - with both hands!!!)

This good old boy looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Bud or Miller?"

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it and see."

***

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.

"Really" she said. "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday!"

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs!"

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

***

I got caught having a piss at the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

***

"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

"Do Not Enter!"