Coffeypot: February 2013

Jeff Foxworthy posted on his Facebook page:

“Daytona 500 is like the Redneck Super Bowl. One hour on the infield and I have enough material for the rest of the year. “

You Might Be A Redneck if:

-You’ve painted NASCAR sponsors on your riding mover.
-You've send fan mail to the car, not the driver.
-You remember the entire NASCAR schedule, but can't remember your wife's birthday.
-You think the NASDAQ 400 is a stock car race.
-Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
-You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you like looking at the pictures.
-You can knock out all your Christmas shopping at the NASCAR souvenir stand.
-You've ever written a NASCAR driver's name on a presidential ballot.
-You’ve offered a Dale Earnhardt Jr. Fan Club card as ID.
And of finally,
-You think the last four words of the National Anthem are,

"Gentlemen, start your engines."

There are some things that one can only learn by living and experiencing life. And you know you have become wise… and by wise I mean you have experienced a shitpot fill of stuff and screwed up enough to have built character… when you are smart enough to wonder about and realize the 23 truths listed below:

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kinda tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my movie collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still don’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Yep, I know. I’ve wondered, experienced, and questioned these, too. That’s because I am wise beyond all comprehension… I think.