Connubial Bliss - NOT

I know you Peeps think Judy and I live in connubial bliss.  But that simply is not the case.  Below are a few snippets and views of our marriage.

I went out last night and got really wasted.  I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick that was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home okay.

The wife is on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

Judy packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay??!!??"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Plus…

 
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

No marriage is perfect...so they tell me.  Yours????