I
know y’all will find this hard to believe, but I do love a good smart ass
answer (I said as I polish my halo). And
it just so happens I ran across The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2012. So, because I am always thinking of you and
how I can put a smile on your face, I thought I would share them with you.
SMART ASS ANSWER
#6
It
was mealtime during an airline flight (it must have been years ago since meals
aren’t served anymore… sandwiches maybe, but no meals), and the flight
attendant asked me, “Would you like dinner?”
“What
are my choices?” I asked.
“Yes
or No!” she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER
#5
A
flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man (not me this time as you will
understand shortly why it couldn’t have been me) approached. She extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without
missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Now
you know why it couldn’t have been me. I
don’t own a trench coat.
SMART ASS ANSWER
#4
A
lady was picking though the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t
find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The
stock boy replied, “No ma’am. They are
dead.”
SMART ASS ANSWER
#3
The
police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
The
officer said, “Well now, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The
kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
Now
that is a good way to get out of a ticket because the cop couldn’t write for
the laughter.
SMART ASS ANSWER
#2
A
truck driver was driving alone on the freeway and noticed a sign that read, “Low
Bridge Ahead” with the clearance height posted. As the truck driver was doing the math in
his head between the bridge clearance
and the max height of his load, the bridge is right there and he gets wedged
in.
Cars
are backed for miles. Finally a police
car shows up. The cop gets out of the
car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got
stuck, huh?”
The
truck driver says, “No! I was delivering
this bridge and I ran out of gas.”
AND THE #1 SMART
ASS ANSWER OF 2012
A
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now
class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that
is it. No other excuses whatsoever.”
I
love a challenge and I raised my hand and asked, “What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The
entire class was reduced to laugher and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
knowingly at me, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, John, I guess you’d
have to write the exam with your other hand.”
The
laughter still haunts me to this day.
A BONUS EXAMPE
Judy
is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and laments to me, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat, wrinkled, and ugly. I
really need for you to pay me a compliment.”
Without
thinking I said, “Well, Baby, your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
I
am now typing his with one eye closed but the ER doc said I should make a full
recovery and can go home in a couple of days.
I love a good smart ass answer, too. Re: meals on planes, though, fly first class and you can do anything you want, including getting drunk and starting a food fight.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Those are great. I had a pretty good one this past year as well. The wife was complaining one day about how she wanted bigger boobs. So I told her to just rub some toilet paper on them and they'll get bigger. "How's that" she said. I said, "I don't know, but you've been rubbing it on your butt for years and it keeps getting bigger"...
ReplyDeleteJanie, in first class you get peanuts and pretzels.
ReplyDeleteJ-Tony, funny, but when did you get out of the hospital?