Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Life Is Changing

Peace and tranquility ends today. My quiet time at the computer, my walking out the door when I feel like it and my Waffle House mornings are being curtailed. I am on my way, in about an hour, to pick up my mother-in-law, Dot, from the airport. And she is staying until January 1st. Yippee, yippee, Goddman.

She comes down every Christmas. Sweet Tea’s baby sister (she has one living in Oregon, too) still lives in New Jersey and helps take care of Dot, but she is a Jehovah Witness and, therefore does not enjoy the holidays. So Dot gets to visit and enjoy J-Man and Bug over the holidays.

She is an 85 (give or take a year or two) year-old, 5’ 1”, 220 pound bundle of joy from New Jersey. Yes, I have a mixed marriage. I am an Atlanta native and Sweet Tea is from Old Bridge, New Jersey via California. But that’s okay, too. The family seems to like her well enough. In fact, I believe they like her better than me. They tell her all the time that I don’t deserve her and that they feel sorry for her having to be married to me. But that is fodder for another blog. Dot is the fodder for this entry.

She is a hypochondriac and takes 4,657,289 a day and has to have her prescriptions filled at least once a month (I have to believe there has to be some placebos in there.) She has pills for her blood pressure, for her heart, for her diabetes, for her cholesterol, to make her shit and to stop her from shitting, and any ailment she sees on the television. Now, she thanks she has Restless Leg Syndrome (what ever that is.) She also has a tube of ointment for rashes that she keeps in the bathroom that I DON’T want to know anything about.

She uses a walker to help her move around and we have to rearrange the furniture so she can get from on room to another – especially the bathroom. She can’t lie down because she can’t breathe if she does, so she sleeps in a chair in the living room. So we have to hang curtains between the doorways to give her some privacy. She has a very hard time going up the stairs because her legs aren’t strong enough to lift all that weight. So, when it’s time for her to take a shower, she has to have Sweet Tea get behind her and push her up the stairs. It scars me to death because, if Dot slips, Sweet Tea could loose an arm or get her head stuck up that huge ass. I try to look the other way - like trying not to watch a car wreck unfolding. Yuck!

When she sets in HER chair in the den, she has no lap. So Chaplin tries to jump in her lap to get his daily dose of petting, but there isn’t anything for him to land on, so the claws come out and she is hollering, “Shoo, get down, Coffeypot get this thing off me, shoo, ouch, go away. I need to go to the bathroom.” I give Chaplin a high-five and set him in my lap. Good boy!

She isn’t all that bad, I guess. She is a good person, though in an old fashion New Jersey sort of way. She has her opinions and isn’t afraid to use them. But I like that. She is fun to have around (for a day) and I enjoy hearing about her life working at Squibb, making bandages for the solders during WWII, and her job for the company that manufactured explosives. But she loves to whistle. If there is any music on the television, commercial, part of the show, anything, she will whistle along with the music – unless her mouth is full of ice-cream.

As long as I have plenty of ice-cream and fruit around, she is happy. We keep fruit all the time, but the ice-cream… well, I am going to get her a feedbag to hang off her ears and keep it full of ice-cream. That way, she won’t have to get up and waddle to the kitchen, which she has to go through to get to the bathroom, to re-load ten or twenty times a day.

Also, she, Sweet Tea and Dr. Amber are going on a 7-day cruse, too. She wanted one more cruse before she became worm food. It is a trip for the girls, too. I didn’t want to go. Spending a week in a confined space like a ship with her, there might have been a tragedy at sea. She might have ended up as a Dot in the ocean.

Okay! I will have a week to myself. Bit deal! She will still be coming back here.

29 comments:

dilling said...

you feed ice cream to a diabetic? yikes! you may not get her back out of that chair!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL!

AIeee, what a terrible riot. I hope you (all) survive.

My parents are both gone, but Biker Buddy's 85-year-old mother is still around. She has her own place and she's pretty nice anyway.

We will go there for two Thanksgivings and two Christmases (because of a family feud that doesn't involve us).

her indoors said...

oh poor, poor coffeypot, me i am not laughing, honest i am not, i do not think it is funny! so in the 7 days you have free may i suggest you have lots of fun to help you over the rest of Dot's stay!

Marni said...

Oh, dad.

Got nuttin' for ya. Enjoy your time with Grannydot.

Jim Latchford said...

My God, Coffeypot!! We have the same Mother-In-Law!!

cooper green said...

Hey, not so bad, it's only for the rest of the year. You'll be free to move about your own home again in 2008.

I was going to suggest you decorate her and put gifts under her, but she probably wouldn't survive the lights.

coffeypot said...

dilling, with type II diabetes it is more about the carbs and fat intake. The right kind of ice-cream doesn’t hurt. And she is in her 80’s, so let her enjoy her time left. Now stuffing her with white bread… hummm!

mst, I know about family feuds. But it is good that y’all visit her. Anything to stay in the will, huh? :-)

kate, you had better not be laughing at me. Ain’t anything funny about it.

marni, help! Send the kiddies, quick.

Jim, great. I’ll send her to you instead.

Cooper, lights, huh? Hummmm!

Olly said...

Oh you poor, poor man. Here I was stressing about the upcoming 2 - 3 day family visits that are unavoidable at holiday time. My deepest sympathies...

CindyDianne said...

Oh Lawd have mercy on Coffeypot.

That was so funny. But what makes it funnier is that I think you are serious on all counts!

e.Craig said...

I surely hope you relish that week of bliss.

GrizzBabe said...

Sounds like fun for the Holidays! I suspect for the next month and a half she'll be fodder for your blog.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I take it she's not on-line to read your blog posts!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

dunno if there's a will, don't think she's rich or anything.

You never know, though.

(We actually like her.)

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I used to not take ANY pills, but now I am turning into a pill hog, not by choice. Well, I am back to only synthroid and Lescol, but I would rather take none.

coffeypot said...

grizzbabe, I really hope not.

mst, she doesn’t even know how to email. We gave her an old computer a few months ago so that she could email us. But I have been appointed the opportunity to teach her how to do it.

I actually like Dot, too. And there isn’t anything to leave to anyone in her will. Just enough to plant her.

If you need any pills let me know. I can get you a bunch here. She would never miss them.

olly, I could live with two or three days.

cindydiane, hell yes I am serious. She’s been to the bathroom a dozen times since she arrived. How can that much shit come out of one person? I’m envious. I could loose 20 or 30 pounds if I went as often as she does.

Anyway, she told Sweet Tea, “I hate to tell you, but you are out of toilet paper in here.” I looked at Sweet Tea and told her to go on-line and apply for an FHA loan to help pay for the ice-cream and toilet paper we will need this next month. Lord and the bank help us.

gawilli said...

My mother in law usually comes for Christmas, but this year she is staying close to home (Waco) since her newest great grandbaby will be in town. She is all we have, and honestly I will miss her this year. She is close to the same age as Dot, but does not have near the issues. That sounds like a good thing. Just take a deep breath. My mother would have said "This too shall pass"!

coffeypot said...

I know. And I really do like Dot, too. It's just that she is funny. And believe me, any and everything I have said on my blog about her I have said to her face.

Biddie said...

Sounds like loads of fun :) It's only for the rest of the year...

Pamela said...

oh dear.. for a minute there I thought it was me coming to visit.

Lorelai said...

Oh...I'm so so sorry! I can't laugh I swear that by the time my guy and I get all the kids moved out of the house (all seven of them) his Mother will be moving in. Sigh...you have my sympathies and I'll have a stiff drink for you.

whatevergirl said...

I have stitches in my side...quick, take stock in Charmin and Ben and Jerry's!

coffeypot said...

biddie, it depends (no pun intended) on what you call fun. I took her out yesterday to get a new walker. This one she can turn around and sit down if she gets too tired. It was funny watching her “test drive” several different types. They all look the same to me, except two had bigger baskets hanging on the front, and two had smaller baskets on the front, and one had a basket under the seat. And after all the testing, she chose the cheapest (oops, sorry. The least expensive) walker. She chose that one because the seat was a little higher. When she sat in it her feet didn’t touch the floor. She knows that if she is with someone and she gets tired, she can sit on the seat and have someone push her, like it was a wheelchair. Actually, that’s why we decided to get her this type walker. But you will have to be looking her in the face while you push her, and if I am the one doing it, I will be looking for the down stairs.

pamela, you are more than welcome to come and visit – for a week or so. But a month and a half? Believe me! You don’t like me that much.

lorelai, seven kids. Wow! If ma-in-law doesn’t come to live with you, I can’t imagine how quiet your house will be. You might even start over again with more kids.

weg, you might want to invest in yogurt stock, too.

Christine said...

When I am 85 I plan to eat tons of ice cream, smoke, drink and curse out anyone that pisses me off.

Age has its privileges.

Cooper Green said...

John, you're a NASCAR fan. If they used snails instead of cars, you could spend the entire month of December watching one race. It's called NASCARGOT, and here it is just for you.

coffeypot said...

Christine, thanks for stopping by, and those are my sentiments, exactly. That is why I get by with all that I do and say. I am an old, cantankerous hunk of burning love and I have spent years in developing my personality.

I have added you to my blog role, too. After reading a few of your post, it is refreshing to have someone with quiet, peaceful rationalization and a calming influence. I look forward to your keeping me calm.

Cooper, that is a great site. I thank you, sir. And with (or without) your permission, I am going to use it as my next post.

SkippyMom said...

Take good care of her. It isn't often that children have a chance to experience their Great Grandma...it is a gift.

Trials or tribs - you find the humor and makes the going easier, eh? I think you seriously like the entertainment and will put up with anything for your Sweettea.

Enjoy - and remember - one week off and she may not be here next year.

Hugs!

coffeypot said...

skippymom, your are so right. That is one of the reasons "the girls" are going on the curse. And the kiddies seem to really like Grannydot, too.

Moxie said...

Oh man, that was funny. Sad too, but also funny.

Did you ever watch Coaster Punchman's videos of his boyfriend's mom, Mama Gin? They are hysterical. Beth has the link to his blog on hers.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I've never been on a cruise. It never sounded that fun. What would you DO? I like to take walks in the woods.