A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and its supporting industry (bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the restrooms, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the high urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.' . .
My blogging sweetheart, ACE over at Paint Splotches, published these as part of her posting today and I had to pass them on. I can so identify with most of them - water on the knee for example - and I’m not even old yet.
ACE has been blogging for over 10 years, on and off, and is a great writher. She even makes those boring memes interesting to read. Go over and give her some good old blogging love.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. It's pronounced "Vote em out." You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
Rednecks are the sensitive type, too. We love our music and we sing from the bottom of our hearts about life’s journey. Here are 25 of the greatest Redneck Ballards.
25) Git your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cuz I'm Kissin ya Goodbye 24) Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Hart Was Pure 23) How Can I Miss Ya If You Won't Go Away? 22) I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 21) I Bought A Car Frum A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even 20) I Keep Furgittin' I Furgot About You 19) I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 18) I Still Miss Ya Baby, But My Aim's Gittin' Better 17) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fite, Cuz I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'll Marry Ya Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 15) I'm So Miserable Without Ya, It's Like Havin' You Here 14) I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You 13) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 12) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 11) Mama Git a Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 10) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You 9) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 8) Please Bypass This Heart 7) She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 6) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 5) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 4) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 3) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles 2) She's Looking Better After Every Beer ... and the number 1 Redneck song of all time. . . 1) How Come My Dog Don’t Bark When You Come Around (actually, some of these are real songs)
And one of the hottest redneck gals in the world is my honey, Maxine. She says, “As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life - Remember…”
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called - 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant FLASH and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes - now there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.
13. My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter don't mind... and those that mind don't matter!
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from!
Also, it is time for another transport trip to NY. I have not had a full weekend home in almost two months. It’s okay, though. I like being on the road with my audio books and the stars at night and the scenery during the day.
I was thinking on my last trip (I don’t that sometimes, but I have to time it so that when I get through thinking, there’s a motel close by so I can rest) that I really enjoy my life now.
I get to see some very pretty and/or interesting things. Meritor showers a couple of times a year. I cross great rivers that I read about in history books, see cities and towns that are famous, and make-believe places like the Catskills of Rip Van Winkle fame. The Yadkin Gap of NC and VA, the home area of Daniel Boon and Davy Crockett.
I have flights of imagination about the Civil War while riding through the Shenandoah Valley of VA, the Revolutionary Battle site of Cowpens, SC.
I get to see the Amish farmers in their horse drawn buggies. The Northern Rivers frozen over or with ice flows and awesome snow in the winter and the ever so green of upper NY in the summer.
And the traffic experiences are a whole world in itself. The Semi’s, the idiots, the cops, the wildlife. GA’s state animal is a dead opossum on the side of the road, AL to TX is a dead armadillos, but VA is deer. I see at least two on every trip and have had to swerve (at 80 mph) to avoid them in the middle of I-81 at two in the morning. The run the median along side the cars and trucks, too.
Anytravel, it’s really a great life being a transport driver, plus I help some cool dogs find some forever-homes, too.
So, the fatigue aside, I enjoy my trips. I’m a pretty lucky guy.
You regular readers of my stuff know that I have a Redneck Monday post each week to educate and enlighten you to redneck sayings, etiquette, definitions. But there is a whole area that needs explaining but is rarely touched on because some people think it’s not right to post about the church and religion and all. But you never know when you might get stranded in a rural area on a Sunday and the only people you can find is in church.
Now the church you go into may be on of those hoity toity churches were people were suites and dresses and shoes and smell like flowers, but some maybe just a small church that the rednecks feel more comfortable in.
But how can you be sure of the type church you are entering? Here are a few ways to tell if you are in a redneck church or not.
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
Now, go your way with confidence thay you will know a redneck church with you visit one.
I have been a slacken in my Monday Redneck stuff. Been on vacation and stuff and just got a little behind (more flat than little - oh - not that kind of behind - sorry) and having to catchen up to do. So her are few sayens we use on a daily bases. Y’all have a good’un, yah hear.
Her behind looks like a couple of squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack.
That boy was shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles.
That truck couldn't pull a spoon out of a cats ASS!
WHEN IT'S RAINING HARD YOU SAY....IT'S COMIN' A TURD FLOATER!
She's got an ass like a ford 9". (Don’t know what this means either. Never heared of it afore)
He's dumber than two sacks of hair.
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your mockingbird butt.
I have three speeds: on, off, and don't push your luck.
You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle.
That boy ain't the smartest peanut in the turd.
She ain't too purdy, but she can cook like hell.
She's so hot I could jump on her like a rat on a chetto.
Whatever cranks your tractor.
Slicker than shit through a tin horn.
That’s about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!
I don’t understand, so I disagree.
Colder then day old penguin shit.
That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.
That would tear the twist in the back of your crutch out.
Sis on you Pister, you ain't so muckin' fuch!
Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!
If duct tape don't fix'r then you're not using enough duct tape.
***UPDATE*** I forgot to post the most important picture of all.
I guess you notice that I’ve been away for the past week. You didn’t? Well, I have. Read the damn post before this one. Sheeze! We went to the Orlando/Kissimmee area to visit the House of Mouse with my daughter, Marni, and her crew. IT WAS HOT. I so have a new respect for the troops over in the rock pile and all the equipment they have to wear in their 100 plus temperature. It was in the mid 90’s with high humidity and a heat index of over 108. So hot the birds were pulling the worms out of the ground with potholders. So hot and humid, the t-shirt was sticking to the body with sweat. So much fucking fun. I never want to go back to that place again in the summer time again. Never! Winter, maybe!
Here is a look at the Magic Kingdom from across the lagoon. I didn’t take that many pictures because everything you want to see can be seen online. I have a few of the grandkids and the family, and I’ll show some later.
The greatest think I discovered is the electric scooter. On the first ride, at Space Mountain, I hurt my back. Too much jerking and twisting in the dark and no sex was involved. Without being able to see what’s coming, I couldn’t brace myself properly so I was slung around like a pair of long-johns on a clothes line in a tornado. So Monday was pretty much a wash for me. Soar and hot and shit. I went back early and came back for the rest of them that evening.
On Tuesday we decided to take it easy on the old man and rented an electric scooter (wheelchair). And it was the best thing ever. We got to go to the head of the line at all the rides and shows and I loved it. The rest of the week I didn’t need it, but got it anyway. No long lines for us. Loved it.
This is the gang before I got hurt. They look so happy. Little did they know what was in store for Paw Paw.
And here is the gang with Mickey.
Regardless of the heat, we had a blast and many laughs. It was all for the grandkids and the memories they will have.
It’s vacation time again, peeps. This year the family (Judy and me, Carl and Marni and the grandkids) are on the way to Orlando and the House of Mouse.
So I have to pack. Sometime. Tonight. I hate packing. I would like to be rich enough to just buy what we need as we need it. But not in Orlando. I think I will have to float an FHI/VA loan to just purchase the tickets into the different parks. Come next Friday I think I think I will be blowing dust out of my billfold. Nothing will be left there to speak of.
And being in Orlando, Disney, and the other parks is pure hell for me. There are just too damn many people that feel it is their calling in life to get in front of me an stroll. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, DIP SHIT. But I will paste a smile on my face and keep telling myself it’s only a few more days. Only a few more hours. I left the gun at home…it will be alright. Chill!
But we will be a time away from home for Judy, Marni and Carl, away from work, and away from the stress of life…I pray.
Anyway, I will be popping in periodically and taking pics and all the stuff that bores the shit out of people…so rest assured I will posting them because that is how I roll. Boring you to tears.
I will have to get a picture of me in shorts, Hawaiian shirt and black knee socks for my pal, Ed. He gives me a hard time about being old and, since I will be in Senior Heaven, I have to look the part. But between you and me, Ed can go fuck himself.
Check with you peeps when I can.
And don’t forget to scroll down and see my last few post. There is some good stuff there. Even if I do say so myself. It is good because I got them from some of you and you are much brighter than moi.
I will never hear church bells ring again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandpa had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother, and to comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother the two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh, my dear,” granny replied, “many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured our best time to do it was when the church bells started to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe a tear, and continued, “He would still be alive today if the fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.” . .
Diamond Rio song being banned from the Radio The song you are about to listen to is from a Las Vegas Diamond Rio concert.. They received an immediate resounding standing ovation, and continue to do so every time they perform it! Sadly, major radio stations wouldn't play it because it was considered 'politically incorrect'. Consequently, the song was never released to the public. So America , see what you think.
If this offering speaks to your heart and you feel you want to share it with friends and loved ones, please do.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?’
The lady turned to look at him and all of a sudden she stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown…’ . . And my friend, Stacy, sent this to me and I had to pass it on to my peeps. Though I would never put a tat on me like that...it is sooooo true.
It can also be said that I am like the old trucing company's logo... . . .
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"Glad to do it.” the lawyer replied.
“You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high" . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in June it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless Our State of Georgia!
Growing up we didn't have air-conditioning or a window fan, and the nights would be so hot and still that I would pray that my brother would fart so I could feel a breeze. From June to August we rarely slept under covers and the bed spread would be wet from our sweat. The humidity in Georgia can be brutal if you are not use to it…and now that I have air-conditioning, I AM NOT USE TO IT ANYMORE.
The windows were never close during the summer months in the old home. Now I don’t think the windows will even open in my house. Gotta have the air on. We even sleep with a fan blowing across the bed. I don’t need farts anymore. . .
I thinks I needs to splain this nude blogging thing. I know it is a fantasy for all you women - and probably a few men - in thinking bout me all alone in a motel room nude. It’s not because I am a pervert, though…well not totally anyway. It’s just that there is no need to put anything on after I take my shower.
Before Judy and I got married I spend many a day in the nude hanging around the house. I slept in the nude and, since I had no plans to go anywhere or see anyone, I didn’t see the need to dress and dirty some clothes for nothing. I didn’t take it outside, though. It is just to much trouble fighting off all the women who wanted a piece of this hotness.
Not so much anymore, though. BUT (no pun intended,) when I go on a dog transport I will be wearing the same clothes for close to thirty hours. And when unloading the dogs, some of them are nervous or scared, so they will pee on my pants or shirt. I’ve even had them up-chuck or poop on me, too. However, I cannot change at that moment, so I have to wait until I get to the motel. After I shower, there is no need to put anything on until tomorrow. It’s just me.
So that is why I nude blog from the motel. But if any of you still feel the need to fantasies, I can’t blame you. There is still plenty of hotness here…somewhere. I know there is…
On my last post at the bottom I mentioned free porn. If you go to one of these free sites be very careful how and what you do when viewing the shenanigans. It can be very dangerous if you aren’t careful.
Point in fact, I almost had a heart attack while watching one. We were trying to do the same things they were doing on the screen. Keeping up with them action per action. I know I’m getting old and stuff, but I couldn’t do it, as hard as I tried. Wife like it, but it was killing me.
And just as I about to pass out, I gave up and fell down on the bed sweating, and gasping for breath. That’s when I noticed the movie was on fast-forward.
I stole this meme from my blogging buddy and cool Alabama teacher and college aluminums of the same name, Trina. Check her out! She has a couple of cool blogs.
1. What are you most grateful for when you first wake up in the morning? That no one is in the bathroom.
2. What are you most grateful for when you go to bed at night? That all is well with the family.
3. Who is the person who has had the most influence on your life? John ‘The Wad’ Holms! Actually there are many. No one person caused me. It’s their fault.
4. Is there someone you'd like to thank for something special they did for you but haven't yet? No! I thanks’um when they do’s’um.
5. Who was your favorite or least favorite teacher? If you could talk to them now, what would you say? Mr.Clower! The ONLY teacher who saw something in me and talked me out of quitting school. He died before I could let him know I graduated from college and got my masters. I regret that. All the rest were my least favorite. I would like to tell him thank you for believing in me (he did when my family didn‘t.)
6. Do you say grace at mealtime? Hell no! My wife’s name is Judy and if I say any other woman’s name she will take my head off.
7. Name one thing you take for granted everyday. The Waffle House is open.
8. Have you ever looked back at your life and realized that something you thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing in disguise? Yes! My whole life.
9. What are the top five things you are most grateful for in your life? 1. My family down to the grandkids. 2. Spell check, though I don’t always use it. 3. MS Word so I don’t have to write anything by hand ever. 4. Those serving on my behalf. 5. Free porn! .