Friday, September 30, 2011

Chopping For Grass?

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?''

''Yes, what can I do for you?''

''I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor John Coffey.  He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''

''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on John’s house and began to search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneered at John, loaded up and drove off.

Shortly, after the phone rings at John's house.

''Hey, Johnny, this here's Floyd.  Did the Sheriff come?''

''Yep! Sure did!''

'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?''


''Happy Birthday, buddy!''

Rednecks know how to git-R-done

A New Disease?

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.   

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Adult Truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5 because I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
14. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
15. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
16. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
17. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
18. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
19. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

How To Wash A Toilet

You, my favorite peeps, know how I am always on the lookout for better ways to make our life easier and more meaningful.  So when I found this I simply had to pass it on to you.  It is too much of a time saver not to share.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the  bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

Monday, September 26, 2011

No Way To Treat Your Pussy

I don't like shaved pussy's either.

Me Either

The Secret of Life

I was out for my morning walk when I noticed the old lady pictured above.   She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"It’s no secret.  I smoke ten cigars a day." she said.  "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.   On weekends, I pop pills, and get laid. Surprisingly,  I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing!” I said, “How old are you?" 

"Forty," she replied.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Man Alone

Alas!  I am two women away from a threesome.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The One Flaw In Women

A Re-Post Just For The Hell Of It…

Women have strengths that amaze men....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.