Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Men Are Simple Creatures





















Men Are Just Happier Because:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental $100!
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
  
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337, and a man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

MISTAKES
A married man can forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

See??? We Are Such Simple Creatures.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Names of Measurements
















We can all read measurements on a ruler or tape measure.  Most of us can even read the measurements of a metric scale.  But do you know the names of the lengths you are measuring?  There isn’t one easy to remember name, but, depending on what you are measuring, the names are unique.  Sooo…

Measurements you may not know:

1.  Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2.  2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3.  1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4.  Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5.  Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6.  Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7.  364.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8.  16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9.  Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10.  1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11.  Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12.  Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13.  2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14.  1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15.  1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16.  4 nickels = 2 paradigms

Now ya know.   You're Welcome

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Navy Man's Blog


















 

1st Class Old Salt Rating Patch



I discovered a new blog today that I know I will enjoy.  I like his since of humor and it seems to be all Navy stuff. 
The new blog is Dan the Navy Man at (http://danthenavyman.blogspot.com/).  Here is one of his posts that brought back some memories…

“More Pranks and Fools Errands”
If you never were enlisted in the good ol’ boy Navy then you missed out on some special times never intended for the likes of sissies and gutless wankers without a backbone. I've somehow managed to reach the ripe tenure of Navy retirement age in this ol’ canoe club without being lynched, keelhauled, dunked from a yard arm, marooned on a beach head, tarred and feathered or sold into slavery for my litany of misdeeds! If you consider some of the sailors and rascals I ran with, that has to make me a one of a kind!

In my glorious youth as a sailor I’ve been witness to a myriad of transgressions that would make most any pirate gaudamn proud in his own right. I haven’t the foggiest notion on where to begin this tale so I’ll start from the forecastle and work my way down to the fantail. Let’s run amuck shall we?

Anyone ever heard of the Mail Buoy Watch? One of the oldest tricks in the book next to the batteries for the sound powered phones…usually plays out with some gullable rookie greenhorn on the forecastle his first underway! Poor fella stands out in the rain and high winds look’n for a buoy so he can retrieve said mail for the crew! Everyone knows how important the mail is underway!!!

Up forward below the forcastle there was a tiny self-governing lil’ place known as the 'bos’n locker'. It was ruled by a senior Deck Ape and inhabited by a raggety-ass group of scoundrels known as deck hands. Its seclusion was insured by its inaccessibility from any other parts of the ship. No one without a bos’n whistle or a chipping hammer ever had a purpose or desire to loiter in such a wretched place. I’m figuring the ‘bos’n locker’ was sacred so long as some sorry land lubber didn’t escape from a well secured tie down of a bos’n knot. Ya didn’t wanna be the victim of a training session while BM1 was giving deckhand training to his gang of scoundrels…..it gives a hole new meaning to being hog tied!!

On the bridge sometimes a senior space cadet seaman might send another to tell the OOD we’ve spotted a few ‘CGU-11s’ (seagulls) on the horizon. Some JOODs will fall for this as well…considering they’re usually butter bar Ensigns who are still wet behind the ears. Another one that might get the ship’s QMC a little heated would be to send someone to the bridge for a PRKY-7 (Prick E-7)! Most will refer the young fella to the QMC who will give him a tongue lashing from hell!! Do you remember that “Double A”?? Yeah, I sent his ass up there…..I knew you were on watch!! He-he!!

I'm sure if you ever came up to CIC you got a glimpse of the ‘DRT snake’!! In some cases it might have been referred to as the ‘DRT Worm.’ He-he… When a new fella would get shown around the ship we had a piece of equipment back in the day called the Dead Reckoning Tracer (DRT). It was essentially a table with a glass top and a hollow interior with a light where the ship’s gyro gave inputs for course and speed changes. A side panel would be opened and the poor sap would bend down and look inside. Mean while our illustrious tour guide would whip out his cobra commander into the open interior and watch as the new fella shrieked in horror while leaping backwards as though it was gonna bite’m! It’s a classic maneuver I believe was taught some place called OS ‘A’ School somewhere in Virginia…

In the berthing compartments ol’ salts can be like cannibals eating their young! Yes, watching these ol’ coots teach us how to trice up racks and stuff young’ns into the laundry bin was always a treat. I remember a few times tricing up a young sailor into his rack and duct taping his sorry ass so he couldn’t get out until someone cut him down. That sorry son-of-a-bitch could be in there for hours. One of my favorites was dousing some poor son-of-a-bitches white sheets with some fine ‘bug juice’ powder! That would be Kool aid to all you land lubbers! When the sorry fella’ starts to sweat in his rack……ooooh it makes funny shapes & designs allover his gaudamn sheets! Talk about a pissed off sailor... with horns!!

Then there are the Mess Deck Follies! This is a great place to send a fella for a bucket of steam. On one particular cruise one of the A-gangers was crank’n and decided to tactically place an unused condom into the vat of vanilla pudding on the serving line. He pushed it down into the bowl so it couldn't be seen. A few scoops later and ‘Presto’!! That son-of-a-bitch caused quite a riot!! Thank Neptunis Rex he never got caught…..but we knew who did it!!

The Engineers on a ship are always ready to have some fun. Send that poor fella’ down to the Central Control Room (CCS) to blow the MPA! That would be Main Propulsion Assistant… usually an LDO or CWO ol’ salt who’s been around a while!!

“So you wanna be funny do ya?” … as he unzips his fly!! “Who sent your ass down here? Tell them they need to come blow the MPA because they’re good at it!”

I’ve even heard where the poor SAP involved was sent down to Engineering with a bag of laundry to ask for the ‘CHENG’ to do his laundry for him…..that would be the Chief Engineer!! Doesn’t usually bode well for the young fella!

What about the flight deck? Never mess with those airdales when they’re trying to take care of the helos! You might just get sent down to supply for some good ol’ prop wash! Or what about 100 ft of flight line? These guys have their own set of pranks to pull….and they’re all good ones!!

The fantail is kinda the back porch of your float’n oasis away from home! It’s here where sailors came off watch to smoke a cigarette and tell a no shitter!! It’s the place where we could relax our guard and talk about that transvestite seaman Johnny was smootch’n with at our last liberty port! This was the place to witness a glorious sunset or watch the rooster tail as the ship was at full flank! It was also a good place for Chief to deliver a good ass chewing….As you can see, not a lot of pranks were pulled on the fantail. This was kind of a sacred place… but it was also funnier than shit to watch some poor fella tripping over the bollards in the dead of night trying to make his way out to the smoke pit!!

The last place you wanted to be pranked on was in the head. The smell of the shitters could do wanders to a young lad prone to sea sickness! Gett’n one of those fellas to stand over the shitter and continuously flush it until the swirls change direction while crossing the equator was a classic.

“Let us know when it changes direction so we can start the ceremonies!!”

This was usually done with one of the squeamish fellas who didn’t want to partake in the ‘WOG DAY’ ceremonies! He would get his… one way or the other! Then of course was the ‘Mad Shitter’!! Nothing worse than walking into the shower at 0500 hours after reveille to be greeted by a hot steamy turd in the shower! Happened all the time on the good ol’ RAINIER!!

Yep, over the years I was probably involved in every knot-head prank and foolish stunt that took place! (But I wasn’t the Mad Shitter) …We were young and dumb but the memories are still a lot of fun! Can you still remember?????

See what I mean.  A cool blog.