Thursday, November 20, 2014

Punography
















I hope these give a laugh or two…


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny.  Period!

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

Went on class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested.  Charged with a battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A Thesaurus!

When you get a bladder infection, you’re in touble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger… then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Well??? Did you at least smile???


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Thoughts on Veteran's Day 2014




















I wrote this and posted it on my blog a couple of years ago and it is kind of long, Peeps, but it has been on my mind again.  So bare with me.

November 11th, what we now call "Veterans Day," was originally called “Armistice Day.”  It celebrated the end of World War I, when the guns fell silent across the Western Front on the 11th Month, 11thday, on the 11th hour of 1918.  It is not a day to celebrate war, but to celebrate peace and thank those who have served.  However, today IS NOT the day to remember those who fought and died for our country.  That day is Memorial Day.  Today is about those of us who just served.  I want to take this opportunity, as a veteran, to remember, and to help those who enjoy this hard-fought peace that a veteran helped provide, to help you to understand.

Those who have served in the military know what it is like to do a job that is extremely difficult and dangerous; no matter if they are in combat, a war zone, or serving peace time.  I know 74 brave young men who were combat veterans who lost their lives just outside the boundary slated as a combat zone of Vietnam.  They fought hard with close-in artillery support for a group of Marines and Army guys, yet were killed in an accidental collision with another ship.  That 50 miles has kept their name off The Wall… to save the Navy from admitting… what?  The Navy didn’t do anything.  Those young sailors did.  And they died for it.

Those who served know that they do more work by 9:00 a.m. than most people do in civilian life all day long.  Yet they have no time clock to punch, just the NCO telling them when to start and when to stop.  There are no unions, shop stewards or scheduled breaks.  No OSHA pimps looking over their shoulders… no need too.  They KNOW their job and how to do it.

Those who served know what it is like to crawl through mud, dust, sand, and snow.  They know how to perform while carrying 80 to 100 lbs. on their person.  They know hot and they know cold.  They know what it's like to live 24/7 on a rolling ship at sea in all kinds of weather.  They know how to hold a tray level and eat with one hand while talking about the watch coming up or the girlfriend/wife at home.
 
They will also have no problem dropping trow and taking a crap in the open with their flanks covered by their “brothers.”  The will hold that same man while he cries over a lost friend.  Or cuss him for snoring too loud, or just because of his last name or any other reason just to relieve boredom. 

And they will carry these experiences inside for the rest of their lives.

And those who served know how others perceive them.  Most of us feel it is because they, who did not serve, are ashamed they were not brave enough to have stepped up.  Those types know they are in the presence of America’s Best.

It has always been this way.

Rudyard Kipling, the Poet Laureate of England in the Victorian Days, said it best in a poem, “Tommy”:

“I went into a public-‘ouse to get a pint of beer,
The publican he ups and says “we serve no red coats here.”
The girls be’ind the bar they laughed and giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an’ to myself sez I:
· Oh it’s Tommy this and Tommy that, an’ Tommy, go away”
· But it’s “Thank you, Mister Atkins,” when the band begins to play—

“I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but hadn’t none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music halls,
But when it comes to fightin’, Lord! They’ll shove me in the stalls!
· But it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, wait outside”;
· But it’s “Special train for Atkins” when the troopship’s on the tide.”

Yes, makin’ mock o’uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an’ they’re starvation cheap;
An’ hustlin’ drunken soldiers when they’re goin’ large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin’ in full kit.
· Then it’s Tommy this, and Tommy that, an “Tommy ow’s your soul?”
· But it “Thin red line of heroes when the drums begin to roll.”

“We aren’t no thin red heroes, nor we aren’t no blackguards too,
But single men in barracks, most remarkable, like you;
An’ if sometimes our conduck isn’t all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barracks don’t grow into plaster saints;
· While it’s Tommy this and Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, fall be’ind”
· But it’s “Please to walk in front, sir,” when there’s trouble in the wind.

“For it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Chuck him out, the brute!”
But it’s “Saviour of his country” when the guns begin to shoot;
An’ it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ Anything you please;
An’ Tommy ain’t a bloomin’ fool—you bet that Tommy sees!"

Yet, you try to thank any veteran and more than likely he/she will tell you, “No need to thank me, I just served.”  Because we did our job every day to ad nauseam, we feel we did nothing special.  Now there are those few, those proud men who faced danger at its worse.  They bear the scars, both visible and unseen, and rightly deserve our thanks.  The rest of us feel kind of funny when thanked for our service, which was, for us, just doing what the country needed and asked of us at the time.

But because we did do our time and did go through the training, did do our jobs and did come home (or stayed and made a career of their service), those guys and gals deserve your thanks…except me.  I didn’t do anything.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

AIRPORT FULL BODY SCANS



CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered
   
0
Transvestites

133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

I thought you should to know.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Newsweek Goes Out With A Shot At Obama

























Newsweek Is Now History In Print

The liberal Newsweek Magazine is going out of business but not before it attacks the President.

This is quite an article, even more so when you consider that NEWSWEEK finally had the guts to admit it.  WOW!  It is a shame that they didn’t do this before the elections, exposing a fraud and communist shyster.

But finally, Matt Patterson and Newsweek speak out about Obama.  This is timely and tough.  As many of you know, Newsweek has a reputation for being extremely liberal.  The fact that their editor saw fit to print the following article about Obama and the one that appears in the latest Newsweek, makes this a truly amazing event, and a news story in and of itself.  At last, the truth about our President and his agenda are starting to trickle through the protective wall built around him by the liberal media...

By Matt Patterson (Newsweek Columnist - Opinion Writer)

Years from now, historians may regard the 2008 election of Barack Obama as an inscrutable and disturbing phenomenon, the result of a baffling breed of mass hysteria akin perhaps to the witch craze of the Middle Ages.  How, they will wonder, did a man so devoid of professional accomplishment beguile so many into thinking he could manage the world's largest economy, direct the world's most powerful military, execute the world's most consequential job?

Imagine a future historian examining Obama's pre-presidential life: ushered into and through the Ivy League, despite unremarkable grades and test scores along the way; a cushy non-job as a "community organizer;" a brief career as a state legislator devoid of legislative achievement (and in fact nearly devoid of his attention, less often did he vote "present"); and finally an unaccomplished single term in the United States Senate, the entirety of which was devoted to his presidential ambitions.

He left no academic legacy in academia, authored no signature legislation as a legislator.  And then there is the matter of his troubling associations: the white-hating, America-loathing preacher who for decades served as Obama's "spiritual mentor;" a real-life, actual terrorist who served as Obama's colleague and political sponsor.  It is easy to imagine a future historian looking at it all and asking: how on Earth was such a man elected president?  There is no evidence that he ever attended or worked for any university or that he ever sat for the Illinois bar.  We have no documentation for any of his claims.  He may well be the greatest hoax in history.

Not content to wait for history, the incomparable Norman Podhoretz addressed the question recently in the Wall Street Journal: To be sure, no white candidate who had close associations with an outspoken hater of America like Jeremiah Wright and an unrepentant terrorist like Bill Ayers, would have lasted a single day.  But because Mr. Obama was black, and therefore entitle in the eyes of liberal Dom to have hung out with protesters against various American injustices, even if they were 'a bit' extreme, he was given a pass.  Let that sink in: Obama was given a pass - held to a lower standard because of the color of his skin.

Podhoretz continues: And in any case, what did such ancient history matter when he was also so articulate and elegant and (as he himself had said) "non-threatening," all of which gave him a fighting chance to become the first black president and thereby to lay the curse of racism to rest?

Podhoretz puts his finger, I think, on the animating pulse of the Obama phenomenon - affirmative action.  Not in the legal sense, of course.  But certainly in the motivating sentiment behind all affirmative action laws and regulations, which are designed primarily to make white people, and especially white liberals, feel good about themselves.

Unfortunately, minorities often suffer so that whites can pat themselves on the back.  Liberals routinely admit minorities to schools for which they are not qualified, yet take no responsibility for the inevitable poor performance and high drop-out rates which follow.  Liberals don't care if these minority students fail; liberals aren't around to witness the emotional devastation and deflated self-esteem resulting from the racist policy that is affirmative action.  Yes, racist!  Holding someone to a separate standard merely because of the color of his skin, that's affirmative action in a nutshell, and if that isn't racism, then nothing is.

And that is what America did to Obama.  True, Obama himself was never troubled by his lack of achievements, but why would he be?  As many have noted, Obama was told he was good enough for Columbia despite undistinguished grades at Occidental; he was told he was good enough for the US Senate despite a mediocre record in Illinois; he was told he was good enough to be president despite no record at all in the Senate.  All his life, every step of the way, Obama was told he was good enough for the next step, in spite of ample evidence to the contrary.

What could this breed if not the sort of empty narcissism on display every time Obama speaks?  In 2008, many who agreed that he lacked executive qualifications nonetheless raved about Obama's oratory skills, intellect, and cool character.  Those people - conservatives included - ought now to be deeply embarrassed.

The man thinks and speaks in the hoariest of cliché’s, and that's when he has his Teleprompters in front of him; when the prompter is absent he can barely think or speak at all.  Not one original idea has ever issued from his mouth - it's all warmed-over Marxism of the kind that has failed over and over again for 100 years. (An example is his 2012 campaign speeches which are almost word for word his 2008 speeches)

And what about his character?  Obama is constantly blaming anything and everything else for his troubles.  Bush did it; it was bad luck; I inherited this mess.  Remember, he wanted the job, campaigned for the task.  It is embarrassing to see a president so willing to advertise his own powerless-ness, so comfortable with his own incompetence.  (The other day he actually came out and said no one could have done anything to get our economy and country back on track).  But really, what were we to expect? The man has never been responsible for anything, so how do we expect him to act responsibly?  In short: our president is a small-minded man, with neither the temperament nor the intellect to handle his job.  When you understand that, and only when you understand that, will the current erosion of liberty and prosperity make sense. It could not have gone otherwise with such an impostor in the Oval Office.