Thursday, May 17, 2018

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Inappropriate Humor

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt.  Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect?  You're in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst.  So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.  I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they do drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.”

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.  I said "How can you tell them apart?"  He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Friday, March 16, 2018

Words Gone Kaputt

Do you remember Murgatroyd?

Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

Heavens to Mergatroyd! The epression was popularized by the cartoon charater Snagglepuss – a regular on the Yogi Bear Show in the 1960’s.

Lost Words from our childhood:
Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!  Sad really!

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, someone illuminated some old expressions that I have copied here.   Expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:

“Don’t touch that dial,”
“Carbon copy,”
“You sound like a broken record,”
“Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of ‘moxie.’
We’d put on our best ‘bib and tucker’ to’ straighten up and fly right’ and Gay mean ‘happy’.

Heavens to Betsy!
Gee Whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!

We were ‘in like Flynt’ and ‘living the life of Riley’', and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers...AND DON'T FORGET... Saddle Stitched Pants

Oh, my aching back!  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or, “This is a ‘fine kettle of fish” they are all gone!

We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.  Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind

We blink, and they’re gone.

Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone:
The milkman did it.
Hey! It’s your nickel.
Don’t forget to pull the chain.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty.
I’ll see you in the funny papers.
Don’t take any wooden nickels.
Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone too!)

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times.  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.

It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...
See ya later, alligator, Okidoki, and so many more that have slipped my memory, too.

............OUR MEMORIES........
Sadly, though, for some of us, that too is beginning to fade!!!  :-(

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Leftist, Good-for-Nothing Leftist Media, You Said Nothing

Dear Leftist, Good-for-Nothing, media:

1.  You said nothing when Obama used drone strikes to execute people abroad.
2.  You said nothing about Russia for 50 years until Trump was inaugurated.
3.  You said nothing about Hillary's campaign manager's brother being paid $175,000 to lift U.S. sanctions on Russia.
4.  You said nothing when Obama engaged in military interventionism in Libya without Congressional approval.
5.  You said nothing when Obama greatly expanded presidential power through the use of Executive Orders.
6.  You said nothing when Obama filled his White House with lobbyists after he said he wouldn't.
7.  You said nothing when Obama gave 47 of his fundraisers Administration jobs.
8.  You said nothing about the murders and rapes at the hands of illegal immigrants.
9.  You said nothing when Hillary's net worth rose over $100 million as Secretary of State, in part, because her husband took money from foreign governments.
10.  You said nothing after Obama's net worth rose over $10 million as President.
11.  You said nothing when Obama's Justice Dept. wiretapped/surveilled reporters such as James Rosen and the AP.
12.  You said nothing when Obama restricted immigration 6 times with Executive Orders.
13.  You said nothing when Obama set a record for deportations.
14.  You said nothing when Bill Clinton met Loretta Lynch on the airport tarmac during the Clinton investigation.
15.  You said nothing when Hillary was fed debate questions.
16.  You said nothing when Obama and Hillary lied about a video and Benghazi
17.  You said nothing when Obama's IRS abused the rights of taxpayers.
18.  You said nothing when Obama's White House held meetings with lobbyists in coffee shops near White House to avoid disclosure requirements.
19.  You said nothing when Eric Holder sold the guns you hate to criminals and some were used to kill Americans.
20.  You said nothing when the Clinton's took White House property.
21.  You said nothing when Hillary laughed off defending a child-rapist.
22.  You said nothing when Hillary lied about her private use of a private email server as Secretary of State.
23.  You said nothing when Janet Reno, under Bill Clinton, used a tank to kill the Branch Davidians.
24.  You said nothing when, on May 13, 1985, a bomb was dropped on a  row house in Philadelphia to uproot the black liberation group known as Move, resulting  in a fire that eventually burned down 61 houses, killed 11  people (including five children) and injured dozens.
25.  You said nothing when Elian Gonzales was forcibly deported using guns.
26.  You said nothing when George Soros paid protesters to burn parts of Ferguson.
27.  You said nothing about states' rights until Trump's Executive orders on immigration.
28.  You said nothing about Obama's smoking.
29.  You said nothing about the record numbers of people on government assistance.
30.  You said nothing about the number of part time and low paying jobs under the Obama recovery.
31.  You said nothing when Obama had SWAT teams raid a Gibson guitar factory and seize property, on the purported basis that Gibson had broken India's environmental laws - but no charges were filed.
32.  You said nothing when Obama claimed that the Fort Hood shooting was "workplace violence" rather than terrorism.
33.  You said nothing when Obama ended some terror asylum restrictions, by allowing asylum for people who provided only "insignificant" or "limited" material support of terrorists.
34.  You said nothing when the national debt doubled under Obama.
35.  You said nothing when 9 times the Supreme Court unanimously overturned Obama's expansive use of Executive Power.
36.  You said nothing when Obama dismissed charges filed by the Bush Administration against New Black Panther Party members who were videotaped intimidating voters at a Philadelphia polling station during the 2008 election.
37.  You said nothing when Obama released Guantanamo detainees who then went back to kill Americans.
38.  You said nothing when Obama unilaterally changed Congressional law by Executive Order.
39.  You said nothing when Obama fired an inspector general after investigating an $850,000 AmeriCorps grant received by a nonprofit run by former NBA star and Obama supporter Kevin Johnson.
40.  You said nothing about the 36 Obama's executive office staffers that owed  $833,970 in back taxes
41.  You said nothing when Obama Killed four Americans overseas in counter-terrorism operations without a judicial process.

So NOW you are voicing your objections about five months of Trump.  I'm sorry...  we can't hear you because you said NOTHING before!!! 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

The Conspiracy of Getting Old

(Two Post In As Many Days... Oh The Wonder)

This is happening right here in our own country! 
We must put a stop to this immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier, and, everything is farther away?  And y
esterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

People are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader? 

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  Why, I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.  Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days, too.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 waist pant as a size 40?  Do they think no-one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial?  HA! I would never let myself weigh that much.  Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on.  But even the telephone company is in on the conspiracy.  They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.  And if God wanted us to pop out of bed in the morning, he would have us sleep in a toaster.

And don't forget God gave us toes as a device to find furniture in the dark!