Thursday, August 29, 2013

TRY SAYING IT THIS WAY











Dear Employees:

It has been brought to human resources and management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversations with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

2. TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch.

3. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4. TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: Fuck off asshole, can’t be done.

5. TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6. TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

7. TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: I wasn’t there, not my fucking problem.

8. TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: The fuck you say.

9. TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given time frame.
    INSTEAD OF: No fucking chance in hell will this get done by then.

10. TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in.
     INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this yesterday?

11. TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
     INSTEAD OF: He’s got his fucking head up his ass.

12. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
     INSTEAD OF: What the fuck???

13. TRY SAYING: Of course, I was going to be at home anyway.
     INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway?

Thank you for understanding and cooperation.  
The spineless little shits should be pacified with this.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

WONDERFUL AND SPICY ENGLISH SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD













Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER  DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster in Johannesburg:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In an Irish cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Thai bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR  BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE,  MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Wacky Word Definitons

















For you grammar cops and Librarians out there, nothing is more irritating than taking a good English word and misusing it.  So for the benefit of humanity and my continuing effort to teach you shit, I give you some words that are misused and the real definitions for each. 

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly prison inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who install kitchen counters.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians!

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official!

21. Polygon: A lost parrot.

22. Burglarize: What a robber sees with.

Now go out into the world and use these words as God intended.


Friday, August 16, 2013

Old WWII Facts






















You might enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret, a real history buff. 

1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937).  The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940).  The highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old: Calvin Graham, USN.  He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age.  His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us').  The shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the swastika.  Hitler's private train was named 'Amerika.'  All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, an airman's chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot.  You were either an ace or a target.  For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes.  He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming.  This was a big mistake.  Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.  Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction.  But the worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo.  This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy.   

Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it.  This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-1206 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans.  They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands where 21 troops were killed in the assault.  It could have been worse if there had actually been any Japanese on the island.

12. The last marine killed in WW2 was killed by a can of spam.  He was on the ground as a POW in Japan when rescue flights dropping food and supplies came over.  One of the packages came apart in the air and a stray can of spam hit him and killed him.

So… have any of you heard of other strange but true stuff like this?  Let me know.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Why Sprots People Cannot Have A Normal Job














Quotes from some of our kid’s sports role models.


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me.  I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

You don’t have to be smart to be good at sports, but ahhh, they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...