While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day...cupcake."
This is from my blogging buddy, Jim, over at That's All I'm Saying, a great blog that deserves more readers and commentors.
Now all this needed was the sweaty hands and the hammer banging out VII.
It's a shame our Imperial Leader will not listen to sound advice like this. Now, if Victor Chavez or Saudi King Fahd had said it, he would be all over it. Not only did he bow to a king, it was a king with a bed sheet over his head. The bed sheet wearers, or the KKK, were also Democrats. Read your history.
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together.
You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...
**UPDATE** I forgot to tell you about the card my wife gave me. It said: "Through the years we've shared so mcuh together. Tears, and even drama. An althought we've been through so many changes, you still manage to turn me on."
OPEN THE CARD
"Happy Birthday From The TV."
Okay, as I said in the post before this, I found out how to post some of the pictures. You can see the clouds in the mountains that are part of the Application chain - and the rain. This is the court house on the square in Blairsville. You can see that it has been raining, and just before the deluge. The lady mandolin player in the light blue sweater had a unique way of playing the instrimunt and all I could thing of was, 'Man, I bet she could give an awesome hand job.' But the whole group had some good tunes and songs. This is Sunday morning. What a difference a day makes. The grandkids decorated the car for my birthday. The kids gave me my favorite car - a '57 Chevrolet hardtop.
I won't boar you with all the people and bands we heard, but I will show you the BEST damn even of the whole weekend.
This is a tent set up outside the Hole In The Wall Cafe and it is just for jamming. Anyone with an instrument could pull up a chair and start playing. There were 4 fiddles, 3 banjo's, 5 guitars, and a base. They all played in perfect harmony like they had been playing together for years. There ranged from a 90 somehting man on the banjo to a 14 year old on the fiddle.
Then I heard the sound of an instrument that I didnt' see. I looked around and there he was. The man was playing the strange Dobro Guitar. Love that sound. And there is the little old lady sitting there playing the spoons.
I tell ya, folks. That was the best music I have ever heard. Just a bunch of good old boys picking and a grinning.
There are many more pictures of the festival, and the trip we made to Bardstown Bald, the highest point in Georgia at 4,874 feet. Now I know that is the equivalent of a morning tent-pole hard compared to other mountains, but it has some great views. You can see NC, SC, TN and on a real clear day, KY. You can’t see the little dotted lines that separates the states because the are in the valley. The temp never gets above the mid-eighties in the summer and can go down to 24 degrees below in the winter. I can show you those pictures sometime.
But for now, I had a great birthday even though I wasn’t in it emotionally. Except for the music. You can’t not tap you foot and feel the rhythm when the banjos are rolling and the guitars are a picking and the mandolins are a strumming. The only American made music we have. Got to love it.
Some of you know that Sunday was my birthday. I don't talk or post about it because it is nothing but just another day to me. Since I overheard my mom tell a buch of old biddies at the church one day that I was a mistake, well, there isn't much reason to celebrate. I never had a birtday part growing up, in fact I never had a birthday party until my 30 birthday. And I came in around midnight (I was going to night school at GA State Univ at the time,) told everyone thank you and went to bed.
So no one in the famiy gives me presents most of the time. We usually use any funds for presents to go to my Navy reunion, which takes place arund this time every year. However, since there was no reunion this year, my wife did two things that was pretty cool. She and the grandkids took me to a Blue Grass Festivle in the mountains of Blairsville, GA. The the other was, I got this book. This is my favorie all time book. There have been very few books I have read over and over, and this is one. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, by the late, great Dee Brown, was first read back in the late 60's. It has been revised some, and now in hardback. Very cool for me. Especially since it has pictures.
And as soon as I figure out how to find them, I will post the pitures of the festival.
It has been said that a noted Gynecologist once proclaimed,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so "fucking temperamental".
It started raining as we left home for the drive to Blairsville and the Bluegrass Festival. It only got heavier as we drove North. It stopped for about 30 minutes as we were checking into the motel. By the way, if any of your need surgery, or a home built or a car engine rebuilt, just call on me because we are staying in a Holiday Inn Express.
Then the thunder and the deluge started. All the tents set up for the country crafts and the scattered bands, were empty. The court house on the square had bands playing all day, the civic center had some playing most of the day as did the Historical Society. But Blairsville is a small town built around a square and very little parking. All the places were taken up mostly by the bands. I had to let Judy and the grandkids out and go park a few blocks away and walk back in the rain.
I wasn’t in the best of moods, either. The weather seem to put a damper (no pun intended) on my spirits. But Sunday is suppose to be sunny and in the high 60’s. Maybe it will be better then.
One highlight, other than hearing some damn good music, was where we ate lunch. Sgt. Charlie, who was raised in these parts and live here until moving full time to Florida earlier this year, suggested we eat at a place called The Comfort Inn. We tried, but it was closed. Seems there was a new birth in the family and the new addition was more important than the festival. So we went across the square to The Hole In The Wall Café. The food wasn’t great, but the decor was cute. The walls were covered with plaques and signs with all these sayings.
So in keeping with my continuing education of you peeps, I give you some sayings to help guide your life. I couldn't copy them all down because the other customers were getting mad with me for leaning over them to write the sayins down. Some people can be so pickey over their food and eating arrangemtns.
But here are a few of the ones I could get:
1. Every time I say I’m dieting…I wash my mouth with Chocolate.
2. You can’t scare me, I teach 5th grade.
3. Friends don’t let friends eat chocolate alone.
4. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
5. Coffee is hot water with an attitude.
6. Angles do exist…sometimes they have no wings and are called friends.
7. Irish Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell so that he looks forward to the trip.
8. My wife things a fishing rod is a pole with a jerk on both ends.
9. Sing at MeMaw and PawPaw’s house: Kids Spoiled Here.
10. If you want the best seat in the house you are going to have to move the dog.
11. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
12. Mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young.
13. Ice Tea - Wine Of The South.
Pictures and more to follow. Stop yawning! STOP IT!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor replied, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
This was sent to me by my blogging friend, Mary, over at No Polar Coordinates.
This INCREDIBLE picture was taken in 1918. It’s amazing that this photo, taken so many years ago, still exists! And now someone has put it online for all of us to see.
What a priceless gift from our grandfathers...
(Click on it to Bigger Size)
The design for the living picture was laid out at the drill ground at Camp Dodge, situated in the beautiful valley of the Des Moines River. Thousands of yards of white tape were fastened to the ground and formed the outlines on which 18,000 officers and men marched to their respective positions.
In this body of soldiers are many hundreds of men of foreign birth – born of parents, whose first impression of the Land of Freedom and Promise was of the world’s greatest colossus standing with beacon light at the portal of a nation of free people, holding aloft a torch symbolic of the light of liberty which the statue represents. Side by side with native sons these men, with unstinted patriotism, now offer to sacrifice not only their liberty but life itself for our beloved country.
The day on which the photograph was taken was extremely hot and the heat was intensified by the mass formation of men. The dimensions of the platting for the picture seem astonishing. The camera was placed on a high tower. From the position nearest the camera occupied by Colonel Newman and his staff, to the last man at the top of the torch as platted on the ground was 1,235 feet, or approximately a quarter of a mile. The appended figures will give an adequate idea of the distorted proportions of the actual ground measurements for this photograph:
Base to shoulder: 150 feet. Right arm: 340 feet. Widest part of the arm holding the torch: 12-1/2 feet. Right thumb: 35 feet. Thickest part of body: 29 feet. Left hand (length): 30 feet. Tablet in left hand: 27 feet. Face: 60 feet. Nose: 21 feet. Longest spike of the head piece: 70 feet. Flame on torch: 600 feet. Torch and flame combined: 980 feet. Number of men in flame of torch: 12,000. Number of men in torch: 2,800. Number of men in right arm: 1,200. Number of men in the body, head and balance of the figure only: 2,000. Total: 18,000.
Incredible as it may seem there is twice the number of men in the torch as in the whole remaining design, while there are eight times as many men in the arm, torch and flame as in all the rest of the figure. It will be noted that the right thumb is five feet longer than the left hand, while the right arm, torch and flame is eight times the length of the body.
I sent this as a comment to one of my blog peeps (Blueeyedtawni) in response to her post about some parents accidentally catching their kids skipping school.
I’m not proud of this – well not totally – but back when I was single, and at my lowest point in life, I was dating a married woman with three kids (2 boys and a bitch…uh…girl.)
She had left the husband and they were living with me. One day the boys skipped school. I worked the third shift back then so I was home, and mama was off, hiding from her hubby.
One day the boys skipped school and the school called. We went looking for them and found them on their bicycles. Every time I tried to walk up to them, they would ride off laughing. I did this four or five times. I finally said fuck it.
I went back to my truck, got my gun and went walking back to where they had stopped and were waiting on me. The mom was scramming for me not to shoot them. Mom’s do that ya know. They don’t dole out discipline but they freak when you try to shoot their kids.
When I got close I told them not of move and showed them the gun. They laughed and said fuck you and took off.
I fired two shots that hit beside their bikes. They both fell off the bikes and was pleading for me not to shoot them. I wanted to, I really, really wanted to, but I didn’t.
I made them load the bikes in the back of the truck and took them home. I got the bikes and a sledge hammer, beat the wheels into squares, and took the chains and locked them in my glove compartment.
I told them to never cut class again and to never, ever run from me. I told them I would not beat them as their dad did, and I would talk straight with them. They didn’t skip again!
But me and mom started having problems because, when it came down to it, she was a sleazy whore. Now don’t get me wrong. I like a little sleazy whore sometimes. But she was the real thing. She went back to her husband. She was just using me to make him jealous.
Epilog! About three years later her daughter was kill by a drink driver who ran up on the sidewalk. Now her oldest son is in jail and the other boy is a druggy.
She did me a favor by going back to the low life scumbag drunk. I move on and up, got a better life and never looked back - ‘till Blueeyedtwani reminded me of that time in my life.
The Pasta Diet 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
Those of you who have been visiting me for awhile know the story of my ship and her sinking and the loss of the 74 young men. One of the people in the Evans association has a cousin to was at our Milwaukee reunion and made a video from interviews with two Australian sailors who were aboard the HMAS Melbourne that night and were decorated for valor in their efforts to save our guys and with some of the survivors. There will be a DVD coming out, soon, but this is a snippet of what the video will be like.
Also, there is a book out about the sinking. The book, Unsinkable Sailors, came out a couple of months ago. Look it up and read it.
Understand, these survivors have PTSD. They wake up at night feeling like they are falling out of their racks. Some cannot stand to be in cold water and some wake up from hearing the sounds of men screaming. All feel survivor guilt and wonder why they are still here.
My bff from Chicago, Chuck, was at the Australia reunion this year. He served with me and was not part of the incident. He is, however, a deacon in the Catholic Church and works in a jail and prison ministry, which mostly means that he listens to the inmates. He is an awesome listener and as such the men of Australia talked for hours with him. One guy is having nightmares and was crying to Chuck because he only saved two men. He said there were many more in the water but he couldn’t get back to them. They either drowned from being sucked down by the suction of the front half going down, or from hypothermia from the cold water or from shark attack. He is a decorated hero, too, but he cares nothing about the medals. He morns the ones he couldn’t get to. Aren’t you glad and proud that there are men like these guys walking among us? The Navies of the world are full of men of courage like these guys. I am just proud that I got to be associated with them in some small way.
This one is a little different… Two Different Versions!… Two Different Morals!…
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long , building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.
If you are thinking about adopting an MP that I spoke about a couple of post ago, please go to Hope's site (on my blog roll) and she what she has to say about the guys and gals. Due to the nature of their work, there is a measure of secrecy in their job. But the 20 names she has are names the 1Sgt gave her who have not received any mail at all.
Just work with Hope and you will be rewarded in one way or another. Also, she is in dire need for monetary donations. She has an icon for a PayPal donation. She is also working on becoming a Non Profit organization so that you might have a tax deduction, too.
But the important thing is the moral of the dudes and dudetts who need to feel the love, too.
My blogging buddy and milsupport guru, Hope over at Hope Radio (on my blog roll,) has a request out for help. She has a list of 20 MP’s in Afghanistan who have not received any mail from the States since May.
Being a total asshole and not having any friends as well as being the black sheep of the family, I know what it was like to not receive mail for extended periods of time when I was in the Navy. The only thing I could count on was a church bulletin on Wednesday and a one page letter from my mom once a week or so. None from my brothers or sister, none from my 'friends’ from high school, non from anyone. I started to buy something on credit and not pay for it just so I could get dunning letters from the collection department. But these guys have had NOTHING.
Get in touch with Hope at email@example.com and get a name or two of some deserving men or women who need support from the people back home. And don’t be afraid to ask about any needs they have. A care package once a moth will mean more to these guys than Christmas morning. They don’t need much. Old magazines, books, any TV shows you have burned on DVD’s, nuts, raisins, beef jerky, non chocolate candy, etc.
I always tell my guys about my week or month and the things I have done with my grandkids and family. Then I tell them that I am not telling them this to add to their homesickness or to make them lonely, but to let them know I am able to do things like this because that are there doing the hard stuff so that we can have the freedom to do our stuff, and that I appreciate their sacrifice. Not sappy, just be honest.
Just send an introductory letter for some people who chose to give back to their country. They will appreciate it and you have given something of yourself to help make the world a better place. And you may even make a new friend for life. How neat can that be?
God Bless’em…and you if, too, if you choose to help Hope and the troops.
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these real children's science exam answers....
Children's Science Exam
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.