Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Reasons I Was Sent To Sensitivity Training

Reasons I Was Sent To Sensitivity Training:

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.  She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

I went to our local bar with my wife last night.  Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.  I said "Son, that's three schools this year!  You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".  The operator says, "How do you know?"  The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst.  So I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Now ya know...

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Darwin Awards for 2013

Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker who was "totally zoned" jogged accidently off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place:
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.  The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.  The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.  Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more excited and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.  They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Six Million Toothpicks

Stan Munro (Stan The Toothpick Man) was born in Rochester, NY, in 1970, and has family in New York City and Seattle, WA.

Stan admits, “My wife is the only sponsor I’ve ever needed.  She’s a pretty good boss, and she doesn’t mind if I work all day in my underwear.”

Before making large toothpick structures for a living, he was the “Wacky Morning Guy” on 13WHAM-TV in his hometown of Rochester.

In college (Fashion Institute of Technology), Stan built toothpick structures as a hobby and gave them away as gifts.

His first introduction to toothpicks was in grade school when Stan’s art teacher instructed the class to make a toothpick structure that was six inches tall and could hold an egg.

Stan lives in Syracuse, NY, with his beautiful wife and four Shi-Tzus.  He has no plans to stop toothpicking anytime soon.  Life is just too good.

Now I have this unusual craving to go pick my teeth…

In the meantime, you can click on the pictures to make them a little larger.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Monck's Creek, SC, and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the North.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”

The bartender says, “Well, what do ya do in Canada?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist?  What in tarnation is a taxidermist?  Do you drive a taxi?”

“No,” says the Canadian.  “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi.  I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys.  He’s one of us.”

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Find Your Title...

Definitions of Titles

A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

A husband who steadies the stepladder so his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so she can easily pick it up.

What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.

A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

A handy little device which permits eh wife to beat the husband to the draw.

An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Something between a mister and a mattress.

A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Someone who will stand by you through all the troubles you wouldn’t gave had if you’d stayed single in the first place.

A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Understand, now?