I’ve been found out. My reputation goes before me.
A lady from Denver, CO, called from a nationwide organization call Saving Shelter Pets and asked me to make a run to Corinth, NY, this weekend. I guess the Viet Nam and Chinese restaurants are running low on meat up that way so I agreed to help them out.
I have to go up to Chatsworth, GA, to meet the shelter people and load up with 24 puppies and 3 adult dogs, then head over to I-75 North into TN. Then through VA, WVA, Maryland, PA into NY. Nine hundred and thirty five miles – fifteen hours one way. I’ll drop them off and head on back. I’ll be back Sunday afternoon. Made my weekend! Yippy!
Then on Dec. 9th I head back up there for Dr. Amber. I'm turning into a true nomad.
I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and that you ate up everything so that there’s no leftovers. Yeah, right!
If the Good Lord is willing, I’ll get back with y’all Sunday.
I found this card on The Sun's web site. This card was created by Jon Gledstone.
Behold The PC Democratic Nativity Scene
1. Recycling bins outside the stable. 2. A sheep plugging veganism – and muzzled incase it bites – plus another sheep advertising British Meat in fairness to non-vegetables. 3. Banner proclaims: “Atheism Is OK, Too.” 4. “Fathers 4 Justice” protestor in Batman outfit. 5. Solar panels on stable roof. 6. Wiseman in a wheelchair. 7. “Safety In The Stable” poster. 8. Fire extinguisher next to poster. 9. Angel in high-visibility jacket. 10. Wheelchair ramp to stable. 11. Status from other religions surrounds the manger. 12. Joseph wears a hard hat – as does Mary. 13. “Mothers For Justice” demonstrator in Wonder Woman outfit. 14. Hand washing machine. 15. Essential first-aid kit. 16. Figure in T-Shirt with l=slogan: “Scientology Rocks.” 17. Airport-style metal detector.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.
6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
8. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
10. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!
11. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
15. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."
16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
17. And finally, there was the person who sent many different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did (say the last five words aloud, fast)!
As you know, I get emails from many people passing along jokes, political propaganda and pictures (some I can't post because they are usually naked women in various poses and looking good and annd annnndddd aaahhhhha - whew - sorry! What was I saying? Oh yeah!) So below are a few of them and the peeps who sent them to me - incase you are incensed are offended you can tell THEM. I'm just the messenger. OOOKKKKK!!??!!!
From Cooper: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
From Mary: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Another one from Mary:
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the clerk asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
From My Shipmate, Joe: Who is your REAL FRIEND?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Another one from Joe: Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the heck have you been?' Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?' 'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of your going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.' Larry is recovering in room 232 at the local hospital.
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. The choice of color of the slipper is somewhat limited, but I can accessorize with any color you like.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire: silk flowers, novelty pins, ribbons, etc.
These slippers are: * Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
I’m awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
My blogger friend, Mr. Guinness, sent this to me and I thought I would continue my educational postings by passing this on to you.
This is interesting . . . .
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it?
They have come out with so many clever new flavorings
Do you know the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams in margarine.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few; and those only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine:
Very high in Trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease. Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol.)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold!
Lowers quality of breast milk!
Decreases immune response!
Decreases insulin response!
And here’s the most disturbing fact; the part that is most interesting!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies, will go near it (that should tell you something)
* It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic, that’s why. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
I am sharing this with you because I want to 'butter you up.’
Chinese Proverb: 'When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others'.
What Is A Veteran Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.
Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity.
Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem.
You can't tell a vet just by looking. What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.
He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.
He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, the greatest nation ever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded. Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU."
This Wednesday, the 12th, life as I know it will change. My household will never be the same and I will become a little richer (HAHAHAHA.)
I am changing my online, television and telephone to AT&T from Comcast (the phone has always been Southern Bell – now AT&T.) In doing so I will be saving $165 per month. I would kill a man for $50, so I had to jump at a chance to save that much money.
The only change that will affect you is my e-mail will be different. But I will publish that in my profile and to my e-mail peeps. I might be off-line for a day because I have many contacts (utilities, creditors, etc) to notify of my new e-mail address, plus I will be leaving Thursday on yet another pet transport to NY. So for a few days after Wednesday, y’all don’t post anything of substance or funny. I mean it. Don’t!
I just hope everything goes smoothly. If not, you may read about the untimely demise of an AT&T installer. Just kidding folks! It would be timely.
(Only people from North Carolina could think of this. From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this true story.)
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.’
Flying a country’s flag upside down is the international sign for the country being in distress. No! I don’t know how Morocco, Switzerland, Nigeria, Bangladesh, Japan or Libya show that their country is in distress - other than going to NATO and demanding money from the U.S. But as of November 4, 2008, my country has begun it’s decline.
I feel sure there are some people out there who think they did the right thing in voting for this guy, and that they truly love this country. But I also believe that most voted for him because they blindly believed all his carefully chosen button pushing words. That, and that he is half black. Now don’t start on me being a raciest. I guess I am to some degree, just like you are, but that is not why I dislike him. If he was conservative Republican, I would be backing him to the hilt, but he isn’t.
I dislike him because he is a Marxist Socialist and wants the government to take over all aspects of our life. And he has no leadership experience, and he has some very questionable radical friends and backers going back to the start of his career. And when confronted with these associations, he LIED, and then a different lie and then lied again, and is still lying.
Believe me, I surely hope and pray that I am wrong. If he proves me wrong I will be the first to apologize. Hang around for a few years and we will see. But until then, I will be weeping as my money goes to higher taxes and to fund social plans that help the unemployed, illegal aliens, and those who are to god dam lazy to work. I love my country and I fear She is on her way down. I miss the days when the world looked upon us as arrogant. When you are the best place on earth you have a right to be. If this country is so bad why are people trying to get here? You don’t see people sneaking across the boarder into Iran, Iraq, India, China or Mexico.
I’m not a McCain supporter, either. I feel he let us down on several occasions, but I have never doubted his commitment to this country. He is not another Bush follower. In fact he fought Bush more than the helped him. I have had enough of the Bush administration, too. But I don’t believe he was the worst President we have ever had since the beginning of the twentieth century - that distinction goes to my native son, Jimmy Carter - the President who never met a tyrannical dictator he didn’t like. But Bush did blunder on many occasions. However, the war was not one of them. Also, the economy started going down hill after the House and Senate turned Democratic. And the financial debacle we have now is a direct result of Bill'The Dick Slinger'Clinton. So we will have to wait and see how this Marxist does.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
I'm due another colonoscopy this year, and I dread it. A friend reminded me of this and sent me a copy of Dave Barry’s piece about his colonoscopy. He is hilarious, but it is a serious matter. The ONLY hard part is the day before. The actual procedure is painless, and a good job for a man-hating woman. Why? Because she gets to jam something up a man’s ass… and get paid to do it.
Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
COLONOSCOPIES Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'
And the best one of all…
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?