(Thanks Paxford) As I mentioned on Friday, I am starting a new series called Redneck Monday. We are a bunch of good folks who love to laugh - especially at ourselves. So enjoy this first installment. Also, if you see any you like, take’em with ya and pass’em on.
(click to biggersize)
Here are a few tidbits I picked up by state:
Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Louisiana A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
South Carolina A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North. . .
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
It has been suggested that I start a weekly post about Rednecks. I think I will. After all I am one. I was raised by one. I have lived among’em all my life. And regardless of the stereotypical image the weirdywood movies and television portrays, we are a great bunch of people and I am proud to be considered a redneck.
The humor associated with rednecks is classic. I am not offended by redneck jokes just as I am not offended by Irish jokes as I am of Irish decent. So I think I will start making Mondays Redneck Monday. So, since today is Friday, I think I will start it today.
There is one thing you Yankees need to know. If you want to live among us you must be educated as to the ways and means of being raised in the South. So if you study real hard you will be awarded one of these and you will not be made fun of by your redneck brothering. Enjoy!
(My truck is the same color, too. I call her my 'Tin Can')
My Thanksgiving plans had consisted of lying around the house reading, blogging and watching TV. Instead I spent a good proton of it running up and down I-575, I-75 and I-285.
My wife was going to visit her daughter, Dr. Amber, DVM and deliver a Futon we bought for her last night. The rest of the family had commitments in different compass directions so I would be home alone.
I chose not to go with my wife because Amber and I are both ‘A’ types and I have a difficult time convincing her that I am always right. She is just too damn smart for my own good.
Anyway, the best laid plans and all that shit…it just didn’t happen that way.
We got up early this morning and ran to Kmart to take advantage of some awesome deals for Christmas presents, then stopped off at the Waffle House for brunch. I got my Thanksgiving turkey fix by ordering a Fiesta/Turkey Omelet with sliced tomatoes instead of grits or hash browns.
Then we went home to swap vehicles. She got in the truck with the Futon in the back, still in the box. It fit perfectly between the wheel wells, but was on the back side of the truck bed, next to the tailgate. But it was heavy enough that I didn’t think there would be a problem - silly me.
About 20 minutes after she left, I got a phone call. “John, the Futon is gone.”
“No way!” says a loving and understanding husband. She said she looked in the mirror and it is gone.
So I got in the car to travel and backtrack her route to fine what ever was left, if anything. She had gone down three major freeways at 70 to 80 mph and I wasn’t sure what we would find. I only saw her once, and that was when we called off the search as she was going on to Ambers and I was heading home.
We both drove the whole route twice and found nothing. I ask her did she not see cars behind her doing evasive maneuvers or someone pulling up beside her blowing their horn to tell her the box had flown out of the truck, and she said negative to both. Finally she called asking me why she was crying over a stupid Futon. I told her, in my most understand voice, “How the Hell do I know?” Actually I told her not to worry about it. That it was my fault for not pushing the damn thing up next to the cab or tying it down. I really thought it was heavy enough to ride without restraint.
I told her I figured someone was following her in a pickup or van or something and stopped and picked it up for themselves. At least she had made someone happy on Thanksgiving.
I also told her not to worry. We had just learned a $150 lesson, and that it was okay. But not to come home ever again. Just kidding! Damn, folks! Chill!
Anyway, a couple of hours later she call and asked, “If I tell you something will you not get mad at me?” Oh, Fuck! She’s wrecked the truck.
“Did you wreck the truck?” I softly asked her with a voice I was too afraid to use.
“Okay, what?” I asked.
“You didn’t say you wouldn’t get mad.”
“Okay, as long as you didn’t scratch, bend, dent or hurt my truck, I won’t get mad.” I was lying my ass off. She was going down if she hurt my truck.
“Okay! The Futon is in the back.”
“Stop laughing!” she started to cry and yell at me.
You see, my wife is 5’2” and the truck is an F150 with a pretty high truck bed and she didn’t look over the side. In fact she didn’t even get out of the truck until she got to Ambers. The box had slid up next to the cab when she stopped at a traffic light and she couldn‘t see it in the mirror.
I couldn’t help it, I was laughing my ass off and she was yelling at me, “You had better not blog about this. I swear you had better not.”
Well, she loves me so I don’t have to worry about bodily harm, and we are too old for her to use the lack of sex as a weapon, but I relented. I told her I promise I would not post anything with her name in it. And I haven’t.
Why do I like to hang around with athletes? Because as long as there is one to give an interview or ask a question I know I will not be the stupidest person in the world.
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andrea Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulat me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful.)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford, "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious." . .
My friend and very talented artist, poet, writer and all round good person, Mary Taitt at No Polar Coordinates gave me permission to pass this on to my peeps. She's sweet like that.
I hope everyone's Thanksgiving goes as well as you have planned it.
If not, give me a call. I'll here alone. Family has different commitments that goes in different directions and illnesses that keeps them at home. So it will me and a few close...uh...friends at the Waffle House.
Okay, peeps! I am sending out a help for some Ft. Hood soldiers who are facing a hard winter in Iraq. These are not the REMF’s that have mess-halls and Wendy’s and PX type stores. These are guys living outside the wire in FOB’s that have nothing.
Go visit my friend Hope’s site at Hope Radio . She has been bat shit crazy with stuff lately and posted a catch-up on the first part of her blog. But he last half will give you some information on what these guys need. Please, and I don’t say that often, please go over there and do what ever you can for our guys and gals. A donation, a commitment to send some stuff to the guys or to her and she will combine everything and send them in one package.
The Army is lacking in really supporting the guys outside the wires. They do okay for the REMFs because that is where all the brass is. But the dudes doing the hard stuff is lacking in some fundamental needs. Socks, hand warmers, nuts, granola bars, cereal, etc.
And the moral is pretty low, along with the bitter winds and cold of an Iraquie winter. So lets do something for those who are doing the hard things so we can have a safe Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and other family gatherings.
Thank you for what ever you can do, and Hope and the guys and gals thank you, too.
**UPDATE** If any of you people in the educational field or work within your church or Synagogue, or have an office who would like to do something worth and productive and would like to help in this effort and support some of these dudes and dudetts, please give me or Hope a shout out. They will be most appreciative. . .
Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning last November's Presidential election.
Number of States won by: Democrats: 19 - Republicans: 29 Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000 - Republicans: 2,427,000 Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million - Republicans: 143 million Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2 - Republicans: 2.1
Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Republicans won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country.
Democrat territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare."
Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.
If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal’s and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.
If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.
If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom. . .