Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

My brother, Stephen, sent this to me. He’s old, too, but younger than me, the asshole. So he though I might enjoy this. He was wrong.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking a bout how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Enjoy Your Days, Love Your Life because:

“Life is a journey to be savored"

15 comments:

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! Very funny! he he he! :-D

I hope God grades on a curve too.

I'm all set though, as long as he keeps his promises, and it seems like he will.

Olly said...

Very good!

But cell phones as a status symbol? I wish. Mine feels more like a heavy ball and chain around my ankle that I am not allowed to leave the house with for ANY reason. Ah, the pleasures of self employment.

I like the cramming for finals the best!

HoosierGirl5 said...

It was nice to meet you, too. But look out, Mister.....the "man" jokes are a-comin'!

Funny post, by the way. For an old guy.

J.

thirtysomething said...

VERY funny! I enjoyed reading this.

katy said...

very fuuny, i guess the reason you didn't enjoy it is because you can recognise some of these lol, ok ok i'm going before you slap me!

coffeypot said...

Mary, I hope God grades on a curve, too. In my case the curve had better look like a compound bow pulled back to its maximum length.

Olly, what DID we do before cell phones? I remember, back in the day, driving home from work and having to go back out to pick up some milk or eggs or rubbers or something. Now I don’t think people, especially soccer moms, can drive without a phone stuck in their ear.

J. bring’em on. I love’em. How about, “How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?”

Thirtysomehting, welcome! I believe this is your first time stopping by. I could be wrong, but my memory is what…??? Like what? What was I talking about and who are your?

Katy, I recognize ALL of them. If I slap anyone, it would be me.

clew said...

BA HAHAHAHA! I love these!!! I almost peed my pants. (Hmm, another sign of old age?)

I forgot to ask you if I cna bring my bearcat to get his picture with you at Petsmart. His name's Popcorn, he's really sweet. ;)

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! Yr a riot, Coffee pot.

I used to shoot compound bows, years ago. I was pretty good, but that was then and this is now--I wonder if he has a good memory, LOL!

Yr comment on my cold Steggy reminds me of a sort of traumatic thing that happened to me with sex and crushed ice . . . and a lot of blood . . . and a hunk of "meat" that came out of me . . . AK!

martie said...

NIX on the missing husbands on beer cans.......what makes you think we want to find them........LOL!

coffeypot said...

Clew, bring him on. But be warned, if he bites me, I’ll bite back. We’ll be rolling on the floor gnawing and growling at each other. Unless, of course, he goes for the nuts. Then Sweet Tea will beat the shit out of both of you.

Mary, why did my ears and eyebrow just poke up? Tell me more!

Martie, because someone has to pay the bills, mow the lawn, change the channels, and fart in bed (and grab the covers and pull them over your head.)

RWA said...

I tell you, coffeypot. You come up with some of the funniest stuff - that also makes some sense.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Cold, bleak and austere has it's own special beauty.

You know how some people thing big is good? Well, only to a point--big can do actual damage and injury!

gawilli said...

Enjoy Your Days, Love Your Life... sounds like good advice, even if you don't have a garage door opener disguised as a cell phone!

Gawilli

e.Craig said...

A lot of old wisdom in those comments.

CindyDianne said...

They may have something with the Beer Cans!