Thursday, March 06, 2008

Disorder In The Court

My gifted friend, Mary Stibbins Taitt, sent this list to me a week or so ago and this is the first time I've had to pass them on. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the tim e?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I feel much better about myself, now. Though I can see myself giving most of these answers to someone, I would be doing it for the humor. These are from the heart and brain.

14 comments:

Old Lady said...

Warning! Don't eat and read at same time.

coffeypot said...

Sweetie, I have the same problem quiet often reading my blog roll.

Tookie Tail said...

This is hilarious! People amaze me sometimes. Never a dull moment, is there? :)

e.Craig Crawford said...

Those ARE funny. But the most fun I've ever had as an expert witness involved two cases, one a divorce and the other a bankruptcy. In both instances the opposing attorneys, upon cross examination, asked a question of me where my answer harmed their client's case. They were perfect examples of that old axiom that attorneys should follow, "never ask a question you don't already know the answer to."

Teri said...

OMG, I loved the last one most of all but they all cracked me up!

GrizzBabe said...

Oh my! And these are the people running our legal system.

Special K said...

heh heh

"Oral"

heh heh heh

KLee said...

My mother works in the courts system, and this sounds like a LOT of people she works with, sadly. I'm going to send it to her, just to remind her that she only has about 8 months to go before retirement! :)

Cooper Green said...

Those are excellent, John. Makes me want to sue a comedian.

Jim Latchford said...

In his far younger and wilder years my brother was a frequent visitor to the court system in N.C., having a propensity to drive fast cars just in front of pursuing police officers. One one particular occasion he was on the witness stand when the prosecuting attorney asked him what he said after the highway patrol officer stated "I want to see your licence." Responded brother without missing a beat, "Okay..sounds fair. I want to shoot your gun." The courtroom broke up in laughter. After order was restored the attorney, who was in no mood for further levity, then asked, "Were you speeding at the time?" "Well I'd pretty much slowed down so the officer didn't have to hang on to the side of my car for dear life." He was found "guilty," but the laughter in the courtyard still bring backs fond memories.

HoosierGirl5 said...

All of those quotes show the same intelligence and common sense as my ex-husband. Maybe more.

Good one, Coffeypot. As usual.

J.

Pamela said...

ask me anything.
I'll answer: Oral

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

These really are quite hilarious, great fun to reread!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

The people say some pretty stupid things, but the lawyers are even stupider!

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the tim e?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

LOL!

I probably would have shook the courtroom with raucous laughter if I'd been there. LOL!

DUH!