An old girlfriend died today. I never dated her or anything like that. Never saw her outside of work. I just worked with her back in the early 80’s and she was one of my favorite people ever. Her name was Betty and she was the stereotypical country and western barfly woman. But she rarely went to the bars, at least when I knew her.
She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.
The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.
A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.
I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.
Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"