Thursday, July 10, 2008


Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.



Burfica said...

But it's also the best job in the entire world.

But clogged toilet duty is still the man's job. hahahahaa

Scarlet said...

"Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly."

You sure??

Because for my Dad's job description that is NOT there.

Instead it says "Must be willing to give an opinion. No matter how wrong, embarrassing, politically incorrect, not thought through, stupid, biased or unwanted."

e.Craig Crawford said...

That appears to be a fairly accurate description. It would be interesting to see one on grandparenting.

Biddie said...

My parents never bit their tongues, either. I am not good at it, but I am getting better.
It is probably the secnd best job in the world. I think that being a grandparent may be the best - all of the fun, none of the responsibility!

e.Craig Crawford said...

I wouldn't go so far to say "NONE of the responsibility" .. but at least you get to give them back to Mom & Dad when you're done with 'em.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Great description! But my parents aren't tongue biters either. :)

Cap'n Ergo "XL+II" Jinglebollocks said...

Great scott! Why didn't someone TELL me this shit before?!?

Southern (in)Sanity said... where do I apply?


Coffeypot said...

Burfica, nope, being a grandparent is the best job in the world.

Scarlet, he sounds like my kind of man.

e.craig, there is no job description for being a grandparent other than just be there and enjoy the hell out of them. Of course you have to teach them things their parents wouldn’t – like how to fart really loud, how to dig out the biggest and bestes boogers, and when and where to sling food at each other. Those are important lessons in life.

Miss Lesbian, I think the tongue biting thing is a throw back to the 50’s home economic courses the schools use to teach the girls. I don’t see too many parents biting their tongue now days.

Cap’n, like me, you always seem to learn after everyone else has taken it for granted.

Rwa, no application, just on the job learning. Just do it.

Anonymous said...

just wish I had got sacked LOL

Pamela said...

sometimes I'm surprised I have anyj tongue left