Here are a few of the jokes that I have received on my e-mail lately. Maybe they will make your weekend go by with a smile. ***** Only In America
A couple in the backwoods of Kentucky (obviously) had nine children. They decided that nine was enough and decided to go to the local doctor to see about getting the husband fixed.
The doctor gladly explained the procedure that would be required; asking them what brought them to this decision?
The Doctor asked. "Why, after previously having nine children, would you choose to do this?"
The husband said that he had seen on a TV news show that 1 out of every 10 children born in America was Mexican.
"So?" continued the doctor.
"So me and the Mrs., here, just can't take that chance....nary one of us speaks Spanish." *****
A heartwarming story. A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.' ***** God Knows The Truth A small boy is awakened from a sound sleep with a bright flash of lightening and an instantaneous clap of deafening thunder immediately followed by yet another explosion of blinding light and thunder. Instantly the boy is out of his bed and dashes into his parent's bedroom to be comforted by his father who had anticipated his son's soon arrival.
"Don't be afraid, son, that is only God expressing His anger when a person tells a lie."
A quizzical look crossed the child's face as he looked into his father's eyes and asked, "I don't understand. It's in the middle of the night and everyone is supposed to be asleep. Who is God mad at now?"
Dad replied, "Well, son, this about the time they start printing the N.Y. TIMES newspaper!"
Grandma’s Boy Friend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?
'Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' ***** SENIOR DRESS CODE I may have posted this one before:
Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals! 2. Spiked hair and bald spots! 3. A pierced tongue and dentures! 4. Miniskirts and support hose! 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads! 6. Speedo's and cellulite! 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar! 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor! 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge! 10. Bikinis and liver spots! 11. Short shorts and varicose veins! 12. Inline skates and a walker! 13. Thongs and Depends!!!!!