Back To The Classroom You Go

As you long suffering readers of my site know, I am dedicated to the advancement of your educational needs. I want to you be smart…like me…kinda…

But I have been remise in my endeavors. I got tied up in Redneck Monday, actually reading others blogs and commenting regularly, doing animal transports and other shit, and just ran out of time to do the proper research needed to help you advance your thinking capabilities and vocabulary.

So today I will try to get back on track with two (no, not one, but two) submissions. Now clear you head, blow your nose if you have too, and start the absorption of knowledge…NOW:

Create a new word 2009 winners:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone n.: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon n.: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit n.: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug n.: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor n.: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

AND:

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

7. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

8. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

9. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

10. Frisbeetarianism, gn. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

There! Now don't you feel smarter and ready to take on the world and talk intelligently to anyone you meet? I know I does!

You're Welcome!