Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Man Test



Women have their chick magazines telling them how to be more of a woman, how to make a meal for 50 using an egg or 50 ways to satisfy or turn on their husband (such a waste of print when all she has to do is give him a beer and lay down.) But being one who believes in equal time in helping the genders understand themselves better, I give you the Man Test - in case any of your dudes were wondering about yourself…

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out ‘free ass’ passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay; if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you don't send this to some the guys on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

‘Nuf said!

Also, women like chocolate, so it’s okay for men to like jelly beans. Ronald Reagan did. So her is a list of jelly beans for men:

10 comments:

Just Another Momma said...

haha, all of that sounds like my FIL.

blueviolet said...

I didn't even know it was possible to combine so many descriptions of gay in one post! LOL

Travis said...

Well, if this doesn't get you at least SOME of the backlash I got for calling something gay, I will horribly pissed.

Not really, but damn.

I think if you know what "custard" is, you prolly like it in your mouth.

Coffeypot said...

Momma, say FIL s/b MIL?

Blueviolet (I like that title)that is only the scum on top. I know many more, but don't want to fight the fight.

Travis, they jumped on you because the expect more class from you. They know there is no help for me and just consider the source.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Sorry too many words, can you summarize...

Mike Golch said...

Coffeepot,I know that I would never hear the end of it if I had put this on my blog.

Coffeypot said...

Mike, as I said before, people have become to expect class and goodness from your post. They don’t expect anything other than bullshit from mine. And I think they know that if they are offended I will thell them it’s their problem, not mine. I don’t give a shit. You keep to the high road, bud.

Daffy said...

My sides are killing me!

There is a peanut lodged in my nose...I snort when I laugh...there should've been a warning...I thought I'd lost it a peter puffer (hubs fav term is pickle puffer) but then I got to the salami....

Dear Lord that was grand

Pamela said...

we have a friend that knows all those colors. BUT, he does run a printing press - so it is part of his job.

kys said...

Based on this my husband may be having an affair with Perez Hilton.