Always trying to find a good home for the less fortunate.
In all due respect to Jeff Foxworthy:
Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrobe mostly involves scissors.
...you know at least 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp that’s over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats living under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your first bra was a Wonder Bra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shirt contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
...stealing road signs is a family outing.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new blue-tick puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refrigerator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
...diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have electricity are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons.
And for the more educated redneck:
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn! From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
MASTERPIECE #1649 - Oleksandr Murashko, Ukrainian *"Oh No -- I Forgot To Tell Our Cult Leader That I Have To Miss Saturday's Brainwashing For a Wedding,...
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