Sunday, May 09, 2010

Lessons Learned From Mom


I Owe All of This To My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT..
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

So Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who has, had or is one.

9 comments:

rxBambi said...

oh my. Mine are just like me. My mother warned me about this...

xoxo

~J said...

You didn't eat your vegetables, did you?

Coffeypot said...

I will start eating them one day, I promise.

gayle said...

My mom taught me most of those too!!

Coffeypot said...

I think they forgot the one about agriculture. “Go wash behind your ears before potatoes start to go.” Since we have showers now, I guess you don’t hear that one anymore.

Miss Em said...

Damn, Where did they print that book for the first Mothers to learn and pass on how to do all of this to us while we were kids.

Please tell Judy for me ....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Miss Em
Austell, Ga.

Matty said...

I heard quite a few of these myself while I was growing up.

ScoMan said...

I love the Circle of Life one.

Anonymous said...

The gods used Christainity as temptation to repel people away from themselves, the pentagram being the holy symbol of the gods, and of their Chosen One's teachings, the Second Coming, Lucifer.
Don't forget::::It is not a house of Jesus.
Christianity is evil. It is responsible for slavery of Africans. It is responsible for this wickedness known as the United States.
There is a major difference between how Europe and the rest of the world were inflicted with xtianity:::Push vs. pull strategy. As a result, expect the "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" may be reserved for the Europeans and few others who were forced into this evil religion:::The god's management of culpability defines the level of compensation everyone receives.
The god's primary goal with this Situation was the minimization of culpability arising from the 20th century and liberal counter-culture. Everything I have taught is true. Now that this Situation is complete you people have been taught. The gods are no longer/minimally responsible from this point forward, pitiful "reach around" compensation for ruining your Planet Earth. Their empty promise "We'll make it up to him." has been met with similar inadequate compensation, and the gods will find a way to wash their hands of this obligation to me as well.
Morality is irrelevant. If they were honest how little they ultimately intended to grant me my sacrifice would have ended long ago, but they used this lie "We'll make it up to him." to further my misery, just as they do with all of you, adhering strictly to positioning, with absolution of obligation on the agenda for the future.
My experience is obcene.
The gods may be immortal but they are not divine.