Tuesday, June 22, 2010

You Know You Are In A Redneck Church If...


You regular readers of my stuff know that I have a Redneck Monday post each week to educate and enlighten you to redneck sayings, etiquette, definitions. But there is a whole area that needs explaining but is rarely touched on because some people think it’s not right to post about the church and religion and all. But you never know when you might get stranded in a rural area on a Sunday and the only people you can find is in church.

Now the church you go into may be on of those hoity toity churches were people were suites and dresses and shoes and smell like flowers, but some maybe just a small church that the rednecks feel more comfortable in.

But how can you be sure of the type church you are entering? Here are a few ways to tell if you are in a redneck church or not.

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if … Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

Now, go your way with confidence thay you will know a redneck church with you visit one.

You're welcome!
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5 comments:

Wrexie said...

or a water trough out in the Texas Hill Country. haha.

Wrexie said...

oops. forgot to say it went with #9

Ed said...

Good stuff John.

Ace said...

I've belonged to a church where the first day of deer season (and fishing and archery and....) were all "holidays" because the pastor was, uh, out of the office. lol

Christiejolu said...

Now I want to visit a redneck church!