Fractured Nursery Rhymes

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You moms out there. Are you up to snuff on your nursery rhymes? You passing along these bits of gems to your brats…uh…precious ones? Are you tired of the same old shit? Try these out and see if the kiddies catch on and ask which versions they like best. Such a nurturing experience…

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Hickory Dickery Dock
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one
And knocked the shit out of it.

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned it into nylon.

Or

Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to a heater.
Every time it turned around
It burnt his little elbow.

Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he's gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill,
and now there's little Frankie
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