Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Types of Sex

It has come to my attention that there are some of you out there who know little about sex. I had one question come pouring in about the different types of sex we enjoy. Well, my mighty inquisitive reader, here is your answer with some examples thrown in to help you understand the types.

And if any of you highly experienced readers (in sex, not in reading) whish to add to this list, please feel free to do so in the comments section.


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home when it happens!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for “large”.

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly."

There, now.  I hope this clerifies things for you.  You're welcome.


CI-Roller Dude said...

This was very helpful, but by the time I got to the last one, I forgot the first one...

Coffeypot said...

Dude, forgotthe first one what?

Olly said...

You left out "hall sex". That's when you and your beloved pass each other in the hall during the night and mutter "fuck-you".

Coffeypot said...

Olly, now that is some funny shit. HAHAHA! And so true.

Ducky said...

Oh those are fantastic! I wish I could add to them...after 7 years of marriage surely I should be able to. I don't think I remember what sex is...unless its something you do alone....

Barb said...

lol, Coffeypot. I can always count on you to clear things up for me. Daffy, just wait til you've been married 22 years. heehee

Matty said...

Dang.....these are absolutely hilarious. I'm a gonna email these to my wife. One at a time.

How about the public sex, when your wife takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Mala said...

HA! These are great. Thank you!

Together We Save said...

Oh my... very funny!!

gayle said...

Love these!! So funny!!