Friday, December 24, 2010

Top Ten Rules of Dieting

Starting today and going through the weekend we will all be eating as if it was our last meal on earth. Because of that, some of us…you…will be worried about the calories that may slide down the gullet.

Fear not, frequent dieter. In my ever vigilant quest for information that will make your life easier and more enriched, I have come across these rules of dieting.

Read on and eat hardy without guilt.

You’re welcome.

Oh! And have a Merry Christmas because you will now be healthier after the weekend of gluttony.

Top Ten Rules of Dieting

1. If you drink a diet drink with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet drink.

2. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.

3. Calories in food used for medical purposes NEVER count. Examples: Hot Chocolate, Sare Lee Cheesecake.

4. If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone know that movies aren’t real.

6. When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a Sunday, cake frosting.

7. Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.

8. Food that are the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color.)

9. Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples: Ice Cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

10. Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. Examples: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama and Georgia.


Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas!

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

I got two rules on dieting. First the biggest lie in the world is "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

My second rule is that if you really want to lose weight and eat healthy then if you eat something and it tastes good then spit it out. You will lead a long miserable life.

Ragtop lady said...

Merry Christmas to you & yours Coffey - Hope it is wonderful for you -

Anonymous said...

Love these! I'm sending this to my mom and her buddies.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Southern (in)Sanity said...

I think I like #7 on the list the best.

Wrexie said...

I agree with Southern... cuz I ate a bunch of 'broken pieces that don't count' today! :)

Merry Christmas, John!

gayle said...

Thank you so much for this. I will remember each one as I am stuffing my face! Merry Christmas!!