Wednesday, July 06, 2011

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

























A friend of my, Mary Taitt, sent this to me and, no, it is not about her IRL, but it is funny.

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bumps and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.  I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted; it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!


13 comments:

Mike Golch said...

yoe it's like that.I'll be the guy in the cut offs as well.

Wanda's Wings said...

Best swimwear is the cut offs and tee shirts! You are so right about the selection. Put a smile on my face when I read this post!

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. Ain't it the truth.

Thanks for the laughs. :)

Suz said...

I gave up years ago!

middle child said...

Yup! Cut-offs and a tee.

Rob-bear said...

J got a new bathing suit recently. We've got a swimming pool at our apartment building, and the grandkids sometimes come over.
She did not, however, report the trauma Mary experienced.
I do hope she has recovered.

powdergirl said...

I practically live in my bathing suits in the summer time. There is no other way. Thats why I absolutely love the failing eyesight aspect of aging. I ALWAYS look fantastic to me!

AirmanMom said...

Post is too funny...but I must say, the comments are a hoot as well!
Happy Thursday!
~AM

Momma Fargo said...

Hilarious! Peed my pants. Is that old woman incontinence?

Actually, I am fighting old woman bath suit sydrome all the way. Bikinis for everyone! Super! Wrinkles and thongs on the beach! Yay!

Oy. It's a slippery (slipping) slope, just like the boobs under the armpits and problems with tucking them in your pants thingy.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Man, I HATE shopping for swim suits. I'm pretty much...flat, so swim suits are always difficult. (Like, just trying to locate my boobs is like an Easter Egg hunt.)

Loved this post. :D

Miss Em said...

I have so many of those problems that its not funny.

While some my find their boobs on the inside, my over-abundance makes them become part of the things you find on the OUTside of the suit.

Tried both types of suits that are made for the EXTRA-large chested woman. What they make today will just not hold up these more than a mole-hill Period .

Bra-under-dark t-shirt and a pair of cut-offs are the ONLY choice I really do have now days

Beau's Mom said...

Now THIS is humor! But you didn't leave a link to her blog...or DID you? hmmmm

gayle said...

It's hell getting old!!