Friday, October 28, 2011

Because I'm A Man...















Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestion that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu”.  For all I know these are the same thing.  And never under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.)

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a complete stranger?  I mean, how could he know where we’re going?

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without the belt looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just get out of there now?

11 comments:

Suz said...

Do you hold the remote even in your sleep?

Mike Golch said...

suz,I have done that when I was sound asleep in my recliner chair.

Coffeypot said...

Sometimes, but mostly sits on the arm of my chair.

Rita said...

And your post just again reinforces that in my marriage the roles are nearly completely reversed.

And THAT's a good thing.

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu”. For all I know these are the same thing. And never under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because of my sister, passionate about food and an aspiring chief, I can do the first part.

And I don't mind doing the second part, because I was mostly raised by my mother (My father was there, but not entirely there). I've never had to, probably never will, but I have no fear walking through those aisles.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.)

I alternate between the remote and a book. It used to be only the remote until literature, that whore, got in the way.

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we’re going?

I absolutely WILL NOT ask an employee in a store where something is. I can find it. Just let me pass the soup aisle for the 8th time.

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

An aspiring "chef" I meant, though she is chief of eccentricities in our house.

Paxford said...

Ahhh.. the "Remote" control. After the ex moved out I had to find where he had left them. I don't believe I've ever held it for longer than the required "turn this on" but I find it a comfort that I *can* if I really wanted to these days

Pax
[considering the upside of being single]

Jamie said...

LOL! So MUCH truth in this. :)

Coffeypot said...

Rita, you da man!!!

Rory, I also had to purchase women stuff for my mom and sister. It's just stuff, nothing personal.

As for food, if I got to the store for something, I get that something. Judy goes for something and gets everything.

And I am, too, a slave of the written word. I have several books going all the time. One in the truck so I will have something to read when I go out to eat, one in the bathroom for those extended stays and one next to my chair. Love to read.

LOLA said...

I have never allowed a man to wrest the remote from my soft hand.

Love,
Lola

Canadian Realist said...

I am going to pull what negros pull to white people on this post. You women brought us in to this world I want reperations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!