Wednesday, March 14, 2012

MedSec Sentences

Those of you who have been following me over the years (are there any of my original followers still here? I think not!) know that I dearly need to proof read my stuff  much more gooder than I dood.  So, being a prime example of this type of writing, I can, without guilt, pass on these sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (whatever that stands for) Glasgow.

The patient has no previous history of suicide.

Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get his lady pregnant.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Now I feel better aboot not poofreding my stuff more than I do.

Carry on!


dc said...

Being a retired nurse, I could tell you a few. But the fav is one that a Dr. actually wrote in his progress notes. (I worked OB)
"patient has beautiful red pubic hair" Scouts honor, that is what he wrote.

Janie Junebug said...

NHS = National Health Service?

When I worked in a doctor's office, part of my job was keeping the doctor on track and moving quickly when he spoke into a tape recorder about the treatments he provided. He couldn't speak English worth a damn, and the transcriptionist couldn't transcribe worth a damn. Then I was the one who had to try to file the patient notes, which often had no name or the name was misspelled to the point that I couldn't figure it out and locate the file. And the so-called treatment information was worthless. Sometimes the doctor had me talk into the tape recorder because he couldn't remember the patients. The blind leading the blind leading the blind.


P.S. I think the funniest line we had was "patient was injured throwing a toilet."

Rita said...

"Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid"

I'm pretty sure that's what they found during my husband's first colonoscopy.

The male nurse was a guy that apparently swung for the other team if you know what I mean.

Since Bob's mouth gets him in trouble when he's not under Versid, I do not even want to imagine what that poor nurse might have heard him say during the scope.

AirmanMom said...

oh. my. goodness....if a rectal exam ever reveals anything about my thyroid...I'm running for the hills! NO HOW, NO WAY will I ever step foot in a doc office again!
Do I hear an AMEN????

Coffeypot said...

dc, I have dated nurses before and the kept me in stitches (no pun intended) over some of the things they saw.

Janie, I bet you do have plenty of stories, too. Funny and sad.

Rita, when I had mine I ask the nurse if she hated men. What better way to show your hatred for men than to shove metal up his ass and not go to jail for it.?

AM, Amen! But there was a time that I was so skinny that the doctor could have probably seen the back of my eyeballs because there was no fat or anything in me.

Rita said...

OK, I'm gonna tell a story I save only for my closest friends, because I normally don't get this graphic, but it's so funny I just have to say it here.

When I was going to have to have a complete hysterectomy, my ob/gyn is a gorgeous first generation Indian/American.

Since there were some scary issues, my husband was with me in the room, which I would normally never allow him into.

The gorgeous doc explained the procedure and then said, "Nothing up the vagina for 6 weeks."

Knowing what a jokester my husband is, I played the straight man routine.

I asked, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that."

She grinned, turned her head toward my husband and said, "Nothing up the vagina for 6 weeks."

Not missing a beat, Bob asked her, "Does your office have loaners?"

She lost it.

But then she said, "That's not covered under your insurance."

I never expected her to outwit my husband.

It was a great way to lighten a scary time.

And CP, you just seem to bring out the worst in me.

I'm usually pretty private about "such things" but you force these things out of me.

You're such a bad boy.

Yankee Girl said...

I so needed this laugh this morning! I especially liked the rectal thyroid one!