Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why we should think before we speak.  As with all things like this, I have to assume these are true.  And since we all have had experiences like these, I bet they are true.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back?  Yea! Me too!  Well, here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.  My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of gold balls because I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store.  He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.’

My sister and I were a the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we saw anything we liked.

I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was final able to grab hold of her after, receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night,’

The silence was deafening.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was scrams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter.  She was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.  I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, ‘No!’

I kept thinking, ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any of his clothes with me.  So I asked, ‘Are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’

‘No!’ he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting worse.  So I asked one more time, ‘Danny, did you have an accident?’  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled, ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their Tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

What happens when you predict snow but not get any?  We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, they were laughing so hard.

Now, Peeps, didn’t that feel good? 

How about you?  Have you had any faux pas?

I remember once, I was home on leave from the Navy and I met this young lady name Joan.  We dated for the week I was home.  On the night before I was to return to the ship, we went out again.  When we got back to her house (she still lived with her parents) I kissed her and told her, ‘Mary, this has been the best week of my life and I will be writing you.’  She started to cry.  I assured her, ‘Oh, Mary, don’t cry.  I’ll be back home for good soon.’ 

She looked up at me with tears flowing and said, ‘My name is JOAN.’

I felt so bad…then I said, ‘Well, damn, Joan.  You look like a Mary.’  The hand print on my cheek had faded by the time I returned to the ship.  And I didn’t get any return letters, either. I’ve never seen a girl who hated the name Mary as much as she did.

What’s yours????


Janie Junebug said...

Oh, gosh, I can't tell any stories about the dumb things I've said. They're X rated.


Coffeypot said... you know where you are? X rated is graded for quality here. Come on, confess...

Wrexie said...

I was in a hurry to get to work one morning. My teenaged son wouldn't get out of bed and was going to make me late with his ignoring me trying to sleep 'a few more minutes'. I became irritated and threw his sweatshirt hoodie at him. Fumbling my words in frustration, I barked, "Would you grab your damn woodie and get out of bed now please!!"

The look of horror, followed by uncontrollable laughter made me realize how my words came out. He will NEVER let me forget that.

jay son said...

can't think of any of my own, but my mom once, while on the maid of the mist at Niagara Falls, wanted to make/show my sister, who had been standing in front of her, something.

she was telling, then yelling, and finally grabbing and directing my "sister's" head in the direction she wants her to 'look, look, over there!!' at.

the poor woman she was jerking around cried, 'I'm looking I'm looking, but what am I supposed to see?'

ma was never allowed to forget that.

Momma Fargo said...

That's my whole problem. My moutheth openeth before my brain.