George Burns Quotes

One of the funniest men in the heyday of comedy was the cigar smoking, laid back comic, George Burns.  As part of his act, especially in his later years, he would dole out bits of wisdom.  Here are a few of those tidbits:

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Age to me means nothing.  I can't get old; I'm working.  I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work.  As long as you're working, you stay young.  When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension.  And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. 

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made.  Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous.  When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.