Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive - press 1, realign the phone, press 1, straighten out the phone cord, press 1, wipe off the key pad, press 1…
If you are Co-Dependent - ask someone else to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities - press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are Paranoid we know who you are and what you want. Stay on line and we will track you down.
If you are Delusional - press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are Schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
If you have a Nervous disorder fidget with the hash key until someone comes online.
If you are Dyslexic - press 6969696969.
If you have Amnesia - press 8 and state your name, address, social security number and your Mother's maiden name.
If you have Bi-Polar, leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep or before the beep...Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short term Memory Loss - press 9. If you have Short Term Memory Loss - press 9. If you have Short Term Memory Loss - press 9. If you have Short Term Memory Loss - press 9
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up as all our operators are too busy to talk to you.