(He masturbates a lot - with both hands!!!)
This good old boy looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Bud or Miller?"
I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it and see."
I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said. "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday!"
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs!"
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?"
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I got caught having a piss at the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
"Do Not Enter!"