Saturday, December 08, 2012

PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY













FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

3. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

4. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

5. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

6. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

7. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

8. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

9. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

10. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

11. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

12. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

13. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

14. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

15. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

16. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

17. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

18. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

19. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGAEBRA?

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

25. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

26. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

3 comments:

Corina said...

I love your blog Coffey. These jokes are old fashioned, and I love them!

Suz said...

Ouch. My brain hurts.

Old NFO said...

Good ones, and I can vouch for #1... sigh