Monday, February 11, 2013


Beer is the nectar of the Gods.  It is the drink of choice when guys are sitting round telling lies and shooting the shit.  It enhances sports on the television, especially in a sport bar.  And it is the drink of choice after a hard day’s work, especially after doing yard work.

And it is the only drink that has had theories imposed as to its merits.  Therefore it is always good to review these important beer theories, some of which I am giving you here...

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Lyndon B. Johnson
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." - H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry


Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. - Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack; to me it's Support Group Salvation in a can! - Leo Durocher


Even our most revered modern day Philosopher, Cliff Clavin, had a theory on the merits of beer.

One night at Cheers, Cliff explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
“Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!  

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!  

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

So now let us all migrate to the refrigerator, or to your local pub, and raise a glass (or bottle) to the good health and enhanced merits of drinking the golden brew.


Momma Fargo said...

Beer...makes me a jolly good I love beer...

Old NFO said...

LOL, good one(s)! And yeah, the Cheers one is 'famous'!

Mystic Mud said...

I raise my glass, or can rather, in praise to all of the above. Cheers, Coffey :)

Anonymous said...

LOL! I probably shouldn't teach this to the little local primary class, but if it helps them get into heaven, it can't be all wrong, right?

My brother is a brew master, and would likely agree with the buffalo theory. I'm going to have to pass this along the next time we go brewery hopping.
I thank you for the education! I feel smarter already.

lotta joy said...

I miss Cliff Claven. And I've always wanted to go where everybody knows my name...other than court.