Friday, March 22, 2013

Smart Ass Answers

I know y’all will find this hard to believe, but I do love a good smart ass answer (I said as I polish my halo).  And it just so happens I ran across The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2012.  So, because I am always thinking of you and how I can put a smile on your face, I thought I would share them with you.

It was mealtime during an airline flight (it must have been years ago since meals aren’t served anymore… sandwiches maybe, but no meals), and the flight attendant asked me, “Would you like dinner?”

“What are my choices?” I asked.

“Yes or No!” she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  A man (not me this time as you will understand shortly why it couldn’t have been me) approached.  She extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.” 

Now you know why it couldn’t have been me.  I don’t own a trench coat.

A lady was picking though the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am.  They are dead.”

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

The officer said, “Well now, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

Now that is a good way to get out of a ticket because the cop couldn’t write for the laughter.

A truck driver was driving alone on the freeway and noticed a sign that read, “Low Bridge Ahead” with the clearance height posted.   As the truck driver was doing the math in his head between  the bridge clearance and the max height of his load, the bridge is right there and he gets wedged in.

Cars are backed for miles.  Finally a police car shows up.  The cop gets out of the car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No!  I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. 

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that is it.  No other excuses whatsoever.”

I love a challenge and I raised my hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laugher and snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at me, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, John, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

The laughter still haunts me to this day.


Judy is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and laments to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat, wrinkled, and ugly.  I really need for you to pay me a compliment.”

Without thinking I said, “Well, Baby, your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

I am now typing his with one eye closed but the ER doc said I should make a full recovery and can go home in a couple of days.


Janie Junebug said...

I love a good smart ass answer, too. Re: meals on planes, though, fly first class and you can do anything you want, including getting drunk and starting a food fight.


J-Tony said...

Those are great. I had a pretty good one this past year as well. The wife was complaining one day about how she wanted bigger boobs. So I told her to just rub some toilet paper on them and they'll get bigger. "How's that" she said. I said, "I don't know, but you've been rubbing it on your butt for years and it keeps getting bigger"...

Coffeypot said...

Janie, in first class you get peanuts and pretzels.

J-Tony, funny, but when did you get out of the hospital?